I consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur of bad cinema. And I’m not talkin’ about B-movies, cult films, or movies made to be bad (although, I like ‘em all). What I’m really referring to is that breed of big screen stinkers that the general public has denounced en masse; the movies that no one likes. Or at least it seems that way. No matter, I’m down with the ugly movies. But it seems I’ve stumbled onto a recent release that’s so bad not even I can find the love. Yes, it’s that bad.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within is such a deplorable mess of a film I have a hard time believing that anyone with any sense of movie knowledge could recommend this pile of celluloid shite. And it’s such a complete disaster I’m not even sure where to begin. So, how about the beginning?

A month or so ago, the Spice sent me a link to sign up for free admission to an advanced screening of FF:TSW in Chicago. Being a huge fan of the long… I mean, looooooooooong, rich history and tradition of the video game going back to the OG 8-bit, first gen consoles, (and like other similar fans) I was highly anticipating the release of this movie ever since the rumors bubbled to surface oh-so-many years ago. When those tall-tales became fact, I was drooling like every other fanboy loitering in the lobby of Funcoland talkin’ tips and tricks. We wanted this movie like no other movie, sans Episode 1. And finally, Square has made the fantasy a reality. Unfortunately it’s a reality us fanboys wish was a fantasy. Final or not.

So the passes arrive in the mail just days before the screening at GCC North on Western, only a few blocks from my place in the city. The Spice is more excited because I know he was looking forward to the flick even more than I (he’s actually bothered to finish FF8 and FF9). We saddle up to hit the line early because they always over-book the advance screenings realizing the expected no-shows thus making attendance a first-come, first-serve ordeal. Fine. I can deal. I ask phixed if he’s interested since each pass is +one. He’s down and agrees to meet me at the theater around 6:30pm, an hour before showtime. So now we’re there, see Spice in line, and nonchalantly step into line next to him and his buddy. The wait begins.

Little did I know, this would turn out to be the best part of the experience, exchanging barbs until the show started. Oh yeah, the new Spider-Man teaser trailer was cool whether or not it was a commercial for Nokia.

Eventually, the house lights dim into darkness and FF:TSW is here before our glazed over eyes. Ooooooooh. Aaaaaaaaaah. The stunning CGI is incredible. The millions of dollars that Square poured into computer graphics are easily apparent. It looks better than the best of the best of full-motion video incorporated into gaming these days. The 3D rendering is awesome; the environments in the movie could be mistaken for the real thing. That is, if such a place as “Old New York” or futuristic spacecraft actually existed. Even the armored Starship Trooper-like grunts were believably realistic. Hmm, maybe they were Starcraft soldiers instead. Whatever. Same difference.

It’s when you get the first glimpse of the main protagonist, Scientist Aki (AH-key – voiced over by Ming-Na), that you know you’re watching CGI. She actually is the better of the bunch of humans done soft-rendering style. The rest look like wooden characters yanked directly out of the Brood Wars expansion set. Despite the meticulous details given to each personage, it’s clear that these figures were manufactured at some Mac station with enough juice to power a small country. No harm, no foul. We expected this. The problem is in the choice of voice-over actors and dialogue they were give. And that’s just Problem Number One.

I didn’t identify with Alec Baldwin as the gritty soldier captain, love interest of Aki but Donald “buy Volvo” Sutherland (as the aged Dr. Sid), Steve “I needed a paycheck to pay my legal fees” Buscemi (smirky soldier pilot Neil), and Peri “finally a voice-over that isn’t a commercial” Gilpin (the butch GI Jane) were easy to pick out. I had forgotten James “I’ll work for food” Woods was in the movie (as the evil General Hein) and Ving Rhames could’ve been anyone as the hulking African-American military toughguy with the heart of gold. Other than the selection of Ming-Na (from Mulan but much cuter on The Single Guy), the other choices are spotty at best. I know Buscemi was added for the humor element but that failed miserably since his voice didn’t match the mug of the plucky pilot and his lines were as dry as a sack of sand on the Sahara. And Frasier’s Roz just isn’t quite as fierce as the Vasquez-type, tough-as-nails grrl gunner should be.

So Problem One was mostly the script handed to these voice-over thespians. It was almost as if the Japanese producers took the Japanese dialogue and translated it literally into English. The words sound disjointed and campy. Hey, this is cool in video games (“all your base are belong to us” and all that nonsense) but in a motion picture? Seriously, folks, FF:TSW was not meant to be a gut-ripping laugh riot but it becomes one after hearing the cheese spew forth from those pixilated mouths. Our row and the row behind us were giggling uncontrollably like schoolgirls in homeroom every time a character uttered their next line. Added to the drama of the situation, the dialogue contrasted even further into the abyss of poor scripting. But at least laughing out loud kept me awake.

Problem Two was the pacing. Or maybe I should say, plodding. The film drags on and on like a crippled snail and I’m sitting there screaming inside my head, “JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!” Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate a slow cadence when the film warrants it (check out any of Beat Takashi’s fine work) but here it’s annoyingly drawn out with wasteful scenes and plot-building ennui. Like I said, had it not been for the ridiculous dialogue, I would’ve been sawing logs in the second tier of stadium seating. Then again, I suppose some of this was necessary to explain the inexplicable plot. And this brings us to Problem Three: The Plot.

Honestly, I’d love to tell you about the plot, that is, if I understood it. One thing everyone should know about the Final Fantasy legacy is that the plots are always complex and often confusing. But again, this works in a game that you may spend 25 hours to 25 days or longer just to reach the conclusion. In that scenario, there’s plenty of time to figure it all out. And if not, it still works. But isolating such a beast into a 90 minute flick ain’t no easy task and here I give Square credit for at least making the attempt. Too bad it doesn’t match up to a shiny PSX disc or even a dusty, old game cart.

Without going into all the tiresome details about the staple elements consistent through all the FF games, I’ll just try to expound a little on what happens in the film. Although, I’m sure the gamers will chime in with their reviews and present how FF:TSW and the games tie in. It’s cool info to know but not necessarily important for the enjoyment of the movie… or lack of. My feeling is this: one shouldn’t need to know the background of the games in order to enjoy another self-standing edition of series even if it’s on the big screen and not joystick controlled. And that’s sorta how the games are anyways. But I digress…

In FF:TSW, we’re taken 64 years into the future where the much of the world lay in ruin from an alien invasion, the Phantoms. Technology has far advanced and the holographic gizmos are neato. Yet residents have been confined to barricaded cities to protect them from the Phantoms. Life outside these fortifications is non-existent. Aki is on a mission to collect whatever life forms exist in wastelands among the Phantoms based on a theory that these plants or animals have a “spirit” that when combined will somehow save the soul of the planet, the Gaia, if you will, and thus, Earth is saved. And it takes eight of these spirits to make this happen, in theory, of course. This is the nutshell, mind you, because it’s a lot more comprehensive than that. Whew.

Naturally, the Phantoms are linked to the spirits (otherwise, why would they be in the movie) and the Phantom aliens are a formidable group of soul-stealers (the orange-ish spectres resemble everything from large tentacled arachnids to flying dragon centipedes to bug-like soldiers, and they harvest the souls of living creatures for food). We learn that Aki is connected to the Phantoms and her dreams foreshadow the purpose of the alien ghosts and why they are involved. If this sounds remotely complicated, then it damn well is. As more layers of plot were stacked on, the more confusing the movie became. I’m no virgin to the world of Final Fantasy yet I still had difficulty following importance of the spirits and the creation of “the wave” in order to salvage the Gaia of Earth and still release the Phantoms from their own kind of Purgatory. And the resolution left me dumbfounded. I won’t spoil it, but, man, it didn’t make sense in those final scenes.

OK, so there are other problems with the movie like the absurd overly dramatic film score (Problem Four) that only added to the cheese factor a la the ominous orchestrations when the villains are onscreen or the tinkly joyful notes when lovers kiss. Blech. The soundtrack is Stars Wars 10x times over. Again, fine for the games but not for the movie. I’d love to go more into that one but…

Another problem I must lightly graze is the inclusion of almost every sci-fi-fantasy/action-adventure cliché known to modern man (Problem Five). Ugh. From the unexpected rendezvous between lovers to the team of space-marines straight out of Cameron’s Aliens, from the diabolical parlaying of the evil General to the undermining schemes of Dr. Sid, we seen it all before ad nauseam. Never mind all the action sequences from here to Die Hard. Years in the making and this is the best they could do? Give us a 3rd rate sci-fi story that Lucas already ripped off, which was then lifted several times over? Sheesh.

It’s sad that so much of the beautiful CGI imagery is lost in such a shoddy plotting and dialogue. Phixed said it best as we were exiting the theater, “if they had spent 1/8 the amount of budget/energy on plot/script development as they did on the scenery, that movie would’ve been so much better.” It was something like that anyway. Sure, the visuals are tremendous but they don’t carry the film. And rarely they do. Ask any experienced gamer and they’ll tell you that graphics don’t carry a game either. Hell, same goes for comic books, for monkey’s sake.

One other issue before I go is that due to a nearly incomprehensible storyline, kids will be bored worse than the adults. I was really hoping that the movie would attract outside fans to the genre or to FF, but it’s not gonna happen. Sci-Fi vets will scoff at the hackneyed plot devices and children will fall leisurely into slumber from all the heady subject matter (or run up and down the aisles amusing themselves). Everyone else will suffer a headache from trying to absorb it all and make sense of it. I suppose this is why I consider it the worst film of the year; it’s complete disappointment after years of eager anticipation and the wealth of material to draw from. And I feel cheated… even if I did see it for free.

I can’t wait to read what real FF enthusiasts have to say about this one because, frankly, I thought Final Fantasy: The Spirit Within sucked. Majorly. Anyone who can write a glowing tribute to this dismal extension of the fantastic game series needs to have their head examined. If you disagree with my assessment, I’d love to hear your reasoning. But to me, FF:TSW is the equivalent of buying a $150,000 Ferrari without the engine; it looks great but doesn’t run. What good is that?

Oh, what the hell, if you disagree with me, I'll just fight you... old school Final Fight style, baby.

Jeers!



Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older