Warning - This gives away the ending of the 1968 Planet of the Apes .

I can't believe it. I actually prefer a Charlton Heston movie over another version.

The aspect that gave the original movie most strength was that the apes simply accepted that they were superior to humans. They treated us as we had treated them - they experimented on humans, kept them in museums and zoos, and didn't think too much of their intelligence. But in Tim Burton's `remake' (complete reworking would be a more apt term), the apes are sadistic towards humans, keep them as slaves rather than out of scientific interest, brand them, and generally want to exterminate the lot of them. There are undertones about how humans have treated animals, but those ideas are thrown out the window to make way for...what exactly? Well, let's see.

Among the most annoying things in the film is that nobody has a name. Yes, if you visit various websites, you will find out that Mark Wahlburg is Captain Leo Davidson and Helena Bonham Carter is Ari and so on, but when it comes to watching things on the silver screen, names are scarce. The only ape other than Ari whose name I knew was General Thade, and I knew him as the general, not as Thade. Otherwise, the only apes I could really distinguish were Michael Clarke Duncan and Paul Giamatti (because of the actors' voices, not because they were given anything to greatly distinguish themselves). Namelessness is not just confined to apes, either. The complimentary HOT CHICK with equally necessary small costume making thigh and cleavage shots a reality (incidentally, where did she find her hair products, lipstick and razors?....Not that I care :) ) was not referred to by name at all, as far as I and my companions could tell.

Also, characters pop up out of nowhere. For some strange reason, a kid develops something resembling a personality near the end, having had (maybe) three lines prior to this. The one black actor (who has a funny line, but more on that later) is likewise there to make up the numbers of the Davidson posse and broaden audience appeal. Does he contribute to the plot? Not really? Is he a token? Sadly, yes.

Anyone hoping for a film that improves on the first will be hugely disappointed. Having seen it recently (yes, in preparation for this one) I can let everyone know that the Charlton Heston vehicle is an intelligent but disorganised examination of human society and behaviour. It looked at religion, science, museums, treatment of animals, and interracial matters (strangely, though, the Cold War atomic bomb was maybe given a passing reference). 2001's Planet of the Apes decides that religion is nonsense based on mistakes and lies (a fair point if Burton had developed it) and we also get Heston telling us that guns are the high point of human ingenuity. Maybe Mr NRA demanded script approval. The most interesting possibility that the screenplay discards was a love triangle between Ari, Leo and HOT CHICK. Had it been done maturely, it would have been fascinating as to how Leo rationalised everything. Instead, we're left not needing to redraft the script, but to start again from scratch.

I did have high hopes for the cast. I respect Mark Wahlburg for the underrated Three Kings (and I haven't seen Boogie Nights ), and Helena Bonham Carter. Michael Clarke Duncan was good as the one character he's had to play (in The Green Mile ) as well. I didn't realise that the talented Tim Roth was Thade, and had I known, I would have felt sorry for him earlier. No one really has a character in this film. Even Reluctant Hero Leo is bland, far from the more complex characters seeking fame or escape in the original. Ari probably comes closest to having a personality, with details of respecting humans, an unwelcome affection, her own confusing affections, and being never able to return home. Despite these, she is never able to broaden across even two dimensions.

Where the film is wonderful is where it had to be: Rick Baker's make up is phenomenal, and will probably net him yet another Oscar (that would make seven). The costumes are great, as is the depiction of an ape town and a US spacecraft. But what impressed me the most is the ape behaviour. In the first version, it was obvious that some actors had done some research, and walked with a stoop and shuffled their feet. Here, not only do they do that and look like apes, they spring about, run like apes, write with their feet, screech, beat their chests and behave as evolved apes surely would.

Another positive in the film is the occasional great line. Giamatti's speech when he is trying to save himself is a hoot, and the (one) black actor's line about `one of them' reminded me of Malcolm X's `House Negro/Field Negro' speech (as I am sure it intended to). The best line in the film, though, is "Take your stinking hands off me, you damned dirty human!"

The film, however, is let by some of the most ridiculous plot elements I have seen in recent years. These ruin any chance the movie had of being good. The humans' secret weapon for one: Imagine the Death Star blasting Alderaan, but all the people there are still alive. Can apes only die when stabbed, shot or drowned? The fact that the humans are even able to use that weapon is a plot point that Battlefield Earth would be very happy with (although we do get one line explaining that it's all possible). Clarke Duncan's miraculous change of heart near the end was completely out of place, as nothing gave him a reason to change. And how does the kid walk again immediately after his accident? On the final twist, I'll write about that later, but let's just say that it is not only tacked on, but stupid.

Tim Burton's staging of battle scenes is undistinguished, as is his handling of the pod crashes. He falls victim (I'm assuming willingly) of electric-fan-editing, whereby no shot may last for more than three seconds. This type of editing can be cool to watch, but depends greatly on close-ups, and without establishing or wide shots so the audience can get a sense of what is going on, it is more often confusing and disconcerting, as the camera jumps around for no real reason. This is one of the few films to make me realise the necessity of establishing shots, and not just for the battle scenes. Frequently it is impossible to tell where actors are in relation to each other, to walls or trees, or anything else, because we aren't given a shot that lets us know where we are before moving in for close-ups.

Like a new cut, a remake must improve of the original film; that is its purpose, to update the ideas or bring forth new ones. Otherwise it fails. Admittedly, this is a re-imagining, but it still owes a lot to Franklin Schaffner's movie. Now, I like that Burton changes the plot, just not what he does with it. What we get are great-looking apes, ordinary action sequences, no depth of nameless characters, no developed ideas, an occasional joke, ridiculous plot devices and an ending that damages the film. Chalk up another for 2001's Lost Opportunities.

[I was wrong. There are two black actors - the other is in the video postcard.]

SPOILER WARNING - DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU KNOW THE ENDING OR ARE PREPARED TO LET ME TELL IT TO YOU

For a twist to fully work, it must be properly foreshadowed, entirely possible but unpredictable. That said, hmmmm. So - a character with no idea how to fly a spacecraft, no idea about time travel, no idea where Earth is, no security access on the Oberon, and no fuel is able to pilot a two thousand year-old carcass of a spaceship to 1860s America (at the latest) and take over the world, populating it with apes without a female, without deleting Leo Davidson from history. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

I realise Tim Burton needed to top the Statue of Liberty (which was properly foreshadowed, plausible and unforeseeable unless you look at the video box cover [That deserves punishment]) But the ending of the first film transformed in one foul swoop a thoughtful sci-fi movie into a horrifying idea about man's ability to destroy. In taking another American monument, Burton does nothing. His twist comes from nowhere, and goes nowhere. It makes no sense, and sullies everything in 1968.


And anyone who makes a joke about Ape-raham Lincoln deserves to be shot. No mercy allowed.








END SPOILER


Recommended:
No