"The Musketeer" is the type of film that almost makes me regret that I love movies, that I read news and previews and anxiously anticipate those that interest me. For over a year I have been awaiting this movie, listening to raves from Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News about how amazing it was. I'm a fan of wire-fu, and swordfighting films thrill me to no end. I was ready to be blown away.

So the fact that it is not only disappointing but downright terrible hit me pretty hard. Where to start when a movie is just so amazingly wretched? Well, let's just get the action out of the way, since some critics are calling it the saving grace when it's actually the most mind-numbing offense.

I love Hong Kong martial arts films. I love Jet Li. I love "The Matrix". I love "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". This type of wire-fu is amazing when done right, and stupid when done wrong. I'm not saying that it can't fit into this film with a wink and a nod, but not when it's shot terribly and badly choreographed. There is a way to shoot this type of action, and the director Peter Hyams couldn't have screwed it up any worse. All we get are close ups of swords and faces, only occasionally getting the wide shot that this type of action demands. Xin Xin Xiong, for all the hype of being legendary, instead comes off as a poor man's Yuen Woo Ping (Matrix, Crouching Tiger).

Next, Hyams himself. If there is anyone who could direct action with less joy than him I would be amazed. No suspense, no tension, poorly staged, etc. It was clear this was intended to be an action film, so the completely uninteresting plot and direction of it is really no surprise. Many directors have a trademark. Woo has his doves, Scorsese has his voice-over narration, and Spielberg has his patented grand camera moves. Hyams has the immensely annoying refusal to light his sets, using only natural light. This makes his films seem dark and dingy when they're in modern times. Now imagine using only natural light when shooting in a world without electricity and in deep castle dungeons. So what we get are about a fourth of a character's face as he speaks, and fight scenes that are infuriating to watch because you can't see anyone in the room!

Which, however, might be a good thing. Casting could have given this movie some life, yet they failed this as well. Justin Chambers as D'Artagnan is not the unknown talent that rose from nowhere and beat everyone else as Universal probably hoped we would assume. He's the perfect example of why not just anyone can act, especially models. He is blander than bland, incapable of holding our attention for even minutes on his own. Tim Roth can be great, or a real bore. With this and "Planet of the Apes", his villain routine is stale. The rest including Mena Suvari, Catherine Deneuve, and Stephen Rea are either under-utilized or just given terrible roles.

David Arnold's score is also particularly grating. From the moments it kicks into gear in the credits (which are also pretty ugly by the way) it is instantly too much. It's cartoonish in its brass and heroic sound it strives way too hard to achieve.

All in all, this is one extremely annoying film. I found not one single moments of joy in it, sad given the subject matter. It could have been saved if only they could have done the action right, but alas, Hyams and company screwed that up too. This is a very bad film, avoid it like the plague.

Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 9 - 12