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Authors Note--This clunker brings to life an evil, evil Barbie doll. My psychiatrist character, Dr. Freudine, will suffer greatly while being forced to watch it. After discussing Memoirs of a Geisha and catfighting with Dr. Defiance, her punishment makes sense, dont you think?
The sidewalk crowd starts cheering as Irish and David pull us girls apart. I think they were urging us on rather, but Im humiliated and scratched up enough as it is. For a few minutes the guys huddle to decide our punishment as Miss Cunengonde and I look on, ignore each other and worry. Only Dr. Defiance laughs at our drawn faces and disappears into the still amused crowd with Miss C unable to work up a protest.
Finally our dates give each other high and low fives, then turn to us. David speaks first. Since you both think youre better sex therapists than the other, one of your assignments is to become a geisha for a night of our choice.
Oh, that will be fun! Miss C rushes to say, but I knew there would be more.
And your second assignment, Irish drawls, eyes glinting, is to watch another movie over at Davids place. You made us watch that Red Shoe Diaries bomb and answer questions like it was sex therapy and now its our chance!
A lesbian porn flick, right? I demand. Mulholland Drive?
They only laugh. A half hour later our host slides the DVD in and its a TV movie from 2001, so were told, called The Perfect Wife. I didnt like the sound of this at all!
The Story in 50 Words?
A twisted sister avenges her brothers accidental death by ruining the doctors life who was unable to save him, yet saved the idiot driver who ran into him. She marries the fool and coldbloodedly kills who he loves because he is a murderer. Ex-wife becomes suspicious and investigates the woman, but will she stop perfect wife in time?
The Questions Begin
Feeling Davids gaze I sink further into the couch as the end credits roll and the ominous music blares. Next to me Irish is just rousing himself from a snooze. Lucky guy!
Okay, my client/host begins, Mrs. Perfect says she was able to marry the doctor because men are such fools for pretty girls giving them attention. Shes able to fool him into thinking shes the perfect wife, even in bed, until she shows her hand in the end. Was that believable to you? Why or why not?
In other words, Irish cuts in, do you practice authentic sex or do you fake orgasms?
I feel my face flare up and try to glance away. Dont be silly! I never would fake an orgasm. That movie is completely asinine and I think Miss C will agree.
Completely! she echoes, nodding. I never date fools. Or even pseudo-date them either, even though they need help, but theyre never fools...of course. Miss Cs blue eyes dart from guy to guy, then she excuses herself. Ladies room..., she whimpers and I shake my head, rolling my eyes.
David clears his throat. If you wanted to kill a guy, would you be able to act like a perfect wife for up to two years while murdering his friends before trying to murder him?
In other words how long could you keep up a charade? Irish grins.
Hey, let him ask his questions, okay? Again I couldnt and wouldnt fake my feelings. That b!tch never wore gloves and always got away with her different methods of murder by pretending to be so helpful and compassionate, but that doesnt work so perfectly in real life. Hatred or any negative feeling cant be so easily disguised and especially not for so long!
So the sex therapist says, Irish quips. My question is, did you find The Perfect Wife thrilling, boring or upsetting? How so?
Boring! I liked the ex-wife all right and the poor maid Mrs. Perfect fired, but I wanted to shake some sense into the doctor and she, that evil Barbie doll, just couldnt do anything wrong in his eyes as people around them suddenly die. Made me feel nauseous! The faithful secretary, the old widower, the brother who was being divorced
She took advantage of people who were vulnerable and trusting. Well, it upset me too, I guess.
Good ending, though, wasnt it? he inquires.
Ha, you mean the catfight between his wives? Id say it was soap opera-ish which isnt surprising between two veterans of soaps. Even the doctor and his brother were acted by soap veterans. It played out like a soap as well with a blackmailer who thought she was so smart and wasnt and the b!tch explaining how and why her victims were dying, usually to her dying victims. Very melodramatic! I stick a finger into my mouth and make a gagging noise. The guys laugh.
Im sorry, Miss C murmurs as she glides in. Did I miss all the questions? Whats so funny?
The guys glance at each other. David nods. We were laughing at Irish who said that cold fish kind of turned him on.
Oh she was pretty, wasnt she? I swooned over the doctors brother. He looked so much like a lil lost puppy!
I check my watch, slap my knee and stand up. Wow, look at the time. Were working girls and need our sleep, right, Miss C? I feign a yawn.
And that is the end of the questions. Did I pass? But the guys are just as secretive as we were with them and Irish doesnt even kiss me good-night. Whos laughing now?
Perry King as Dr. Robert Stewart
Shannon Sturges as the perfect wife
Lesley-Anne Down as the ex-wife, married in real life to director Don E. FauntLeRoy
William R. Moses as Dr. Brad Stewart, the brother
Writers Frank Rehwaldt and George Saunders
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