Dead In The Water, Dead On Land, Dead In The Air, Dead Movie
Aug 28, 2002
Review by lynus
Rated a Very Helpful Review
Pros:None - oh yeah, only 89 minutes long.
Cons:Acting, characters, sound, action (lack of), entertainment (lack of).
The Bottom Line: I can't remember the last time I saw a movie this dull. And I can't wait till I can forget about this one.
Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.
Recommend this product?
Dead in the Water is perhaps the worse movie I have ever seen. Even really, really bad movies at times have redeeming qualities – like a little bit of action, a few cheesy one-liners, or even some hot sex – but other than a few facial expressions on a guy as his girlfriend gives him head underwater – Dead in the Water is dead, dead, dead of anything remotely entertaining.
Now, just about anyone would probably know this from the get-go. I mean a movie starring a bunch of unknowns besides Henry Thomas (E.T., Suicide Kings) with a tagline of “Beautiful Gloria, her boyfriend Danny and their friend Jef take a yacht to paradise…but not all return.” Is enough of a red light that this movie is probably going to be really bad. If that not enough, a really hot guy with minimal English and even worse swimming skills (hint, hint!) is thrown into the mess simply because he’s needed to show off his hot body before Act II wields its ugly head. And if you still need more evidence; if you ever find yourself in the video store looking at this movie – notice how there isn’t a single quote from any movie reviewer – not even one from some radio personality that no one has ever heard of. It’s that bad!
So without giving away the ending (and even if you fall dead (pun intended!) asleep during the movie you can assume what the ending will be – Dead in the Water is just as it sounds, somebody is Dead in the Water, or somebody, or some bodies end up dead in the water. In fact, once the movie begins after the dullest intro ever, a body is seen floating across the screen (take notice how the director made sure her mostly naked butt floats above water giving us some eye candy) – the real story kicks in.
Gloria/Dominique Swain, Danny/Scott Bairstow, and Jef/Henry Thomas are celebrating the end of their vacation. Gloria and Danny are a couple, while Jef is best friends to both. But before they can take the boat out for a final spin around the island, Gloria’s father emotionally tells his daughter that they are broke – and perhaps the only way out of their financial hardship is for Gloria to take the only son of a really rich guy out on his first boat trip. So all three in hand, begin their maiden voyage.
From here the movie spends approximately 30 minutes of it’s 89 minute running time (of which 10 was already wasted with the opening title sequence) paddling around on the boat discussing various degrees of sex – and putting down anchor to swim around, fool around, and of course show off their hot tanned bodies. But soon, Marcos/Sebastian DeVicente (the hot guy) makes a movie on Gloria and all hell basically (finally) breaks loose.
Danny gets the no-brainer idea to throw Marcos over the side and then drive away just to scare the guy since he never should have touched his girlfriend. Now, what do you think happens next? When they finally decide to go back to find Marcos, he’s no where to be found. Did the currents pull him far away from where the spot they dropped him? Do they even remember the exact spot, since it is a vast ocean? Did he drown? What story will they tell?
Questions, questions, questions – which equates to a whole lot of talking, talking, talking – all taking place on a boat out in the middle of the ocean. And, even worse to your ears – most of the dialogue was probably re-recorded in post production since it’s clear how windy it was on that boat and there’s no way that microphones would have been able to pick up the actual dialogue.
Speaking of the dialogue – it is worse than anything that has ever come out of Keanu Reeves’ mouth. Yes, worse! It gets even worse each and every time Domanique Swain has the need to yell her lines. It takes no more than five minutes for her to become extremely annoying – no matter how good she is to look at – and quite frankly at least for me, she’s not much to look at.
When any action finally does occur – it’s very lame (I apologize for over using that word “lame”). Someone tries to commit suicide, someone gets stabbed, someone tires to suffocate someone else who of course later awakens from the dead and spoils someone’s plan in the matter of a few seconds, and finally something explodes. Oh, but wait. Someone also drowns. Duh!
As for the cast – all of them drown in the stupid dialogue they are forced to speak. Not one of them as any redeeming quality – and will quite possibly leave this movie off of any future resumes. But they should at least take credit – that quite potentially no one, not even the biggest names in Hollywood – could have saved this movie. Dead in the Water may have made a nice student film – but even then it probably would have been rated D-.
I honestly can’t say anything more about this movie without repeating myself even more than I have already done. I urge you to save your money. Besides one day this movie will probably find itself on cable television late at night – even though that still will probably be a waste of money, since time is money.
Take it from d_fienberg and I – stay far away.
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Viewing Format: VHS
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