The first thing I noticed upon sitting in the theatre on a late Monday afternoon was an older couple sitting smack dab in the middle of the plethora of seats.

I'm an opened minded person, but it harkens to imagining my grandmother sitting there in her purple housecoat and puffy slippers.

I couldn't seem to stop watching them to see how'd they'd react to what would surely be a raunchy-fest.

It didn't help matters that I really really really wanted to go see Minority Report, but my hubby couldn't stop talking about how the Bob and Tom radio morning show couldn't stop talking about the Goldmember movie...so I quietly, demurely followed suit.

I held out hope that I would be pleasantly surprised...that Austin III would prove to be better than the previous two installments.

Don't get me wrong, I thought the first two movies were funny, but not movie theatre material. Thank goodness we went to an afternoon, weekday where the price was half the cost of a typical weekend showing.

Whew!!

I might have been a little po'd and want a refund. In fact, only one other movie that I've seen in a theatre ever gave me the notion of walking out, and that was Phantom Menace...but that's an old epinion...

Anywho, I entered with wishful, high hopes and got a dismal return.

With the opening sequence, (the first five minutes) I really thought this was going to work out. After all, who could deny the mind and body some laughter over these rich cameos. But the opening soon died, got old far too quickly, and Britney Spears....sigh...old.

Mike Myers is a smashing comic, and I know he's got to be brimming with ideas, but maybe he didn't have his caffeine in the morning while writing this script. Maybe he wasn't getting enough sleep....something that caused this film to fall lackluster on the big screen.

Old jokes, rehashed, can be good, if given fresh twists, but Goldmember has nothing but rehash. I heard the crickets chirping several times in the theatre, followed with what appeared to be forced guffaws from a slightly "lit" fellow about two seats away from me.

The older couple in front of me seemed to have turned to stone, if I hadn't seen the occasional nod of the head.

I certainly waited elatedly for the appearance of Dr. Evil. He has always saved these films and even he was seemingly being held back, incredibly dry, and resorted to canned, old stand-by jokes...the age old getting-hit-in-the-crotch joke? Spare me this stupidity.

*sigh*

And they gave very little screen time/talk time to Ol' Evil's little bystanders...save for Mini-me; Fraline and etc. cohorts have dismal parts.

Too many music numbers, pointless...

Too much emphasis on that disgusting mole...the first time it was funny...okay...but come on....how many times do we have to see it repeated?

I can even withstand fart jokes and other assortment of bodily function jokes...but these seemed far too boring, raunchy to the extreme of grotesque (and pointless) and (god help my aging motherly soul) childish!

(Whew...I said it...)

Austin wasn't even his usual raunchy self...no boob-eyeballing when he greets Foxxy in the past...didn't give her an eyeball wash, nothing...zip...? What happened to all the mojo? Was it wasted on the twins at the beginning of the movie? Or did Britney run off with it? Austin was so tame I thought he'd been neutered.

Total lack of sexuality between the two crime fighters.

The most fun I had was in the past lives of Austin and Evil as school kids at academy. Now there was a moment! But could have cared less at the absolutely pointless, but should have seen it coming moment at the end when we get the low down on Evil and Austin's existence.

Sorry, Mike, I love ya, but I just didn't like it.






Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age