Plot Details: This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.

Welcome to daumco's second annual One Star's Too High W/O. With this review I hope to engage my fellow Epinionators to tell their experiences with faulty products or just downright lousy media products.

It seems to me that the world is in perfect balance. For every good to great movie there seems to be a fair to bad movie. Resident Evil helps keep that balance by being on the low end of the teeter totter from a great movie like, let's say, "Lord of the Rings". Of course mentioning a schlock movie like Resident Evil in the same sentence as a great movie borders on impertinence but it makes my point nicely.

I'm sure you've noticed there are movies (books too) that start with a bang and then fade away.......... to obscurity and you wonder what the hell happened and then there are movies that start at a dawdling pace but build up slowly (like "The Others") to a strong surprise ending. Then again some movies are like a ping pong match, good, bad, up and down like an electrocardiogram.

Well, Resident Evil is a combination of the first and the last, an electrocardiogram for the first fifteen minutes and then it flatlines. I mean it's a Code Blue the rest of the way. Why did I keep watching it? I don't know, I suppose I was waiting for the resuscitation that never came. There was a blip, a tiny blip, in the middle, where some unexplained giant hairless cat looking creature cornered the surviving couple on a speeding train but that was it and then
/\_____________________________ .

The why and where of this creature I have no idea because the rest of the scary creatures were ultra slow moving zombies (real original huh?), which makes me wonder, why is is that zombies have to move so slow? I mean a guy on crutches could have ran circles around these snails. The zombies weren't slow in "28 Days Later", in fact it seemed like they sped up. Fact is "28 Days Later" is ten times the movie Resident Evil is. Make that a hundred times better.

Funny thing is they both have basically the same plot, somebody breaks into a lab and either accidently or purposely unleashes a plague on the world which turns everyone into Zombies. If "28 Days Later" hadn't come out a year after Resident Evil I'd think it Resident Evil was a crappy remake. Even the soundtrack was more interesting in "28 Days Later" featuring Godspeed you Black Emperor (my introduction to them, by the way) versus Marilyn Manson.

PLOT

Resident Evil features Alice (Milla Jovovich) and Rain (Michelle Rodriguez), corporate commandos fighting a virus that has wiped out the entire staff of the Umbrella Corporation, a ficticious bio-engineering conglomerate. The infected prowl around like slow moving, ravenous zombies, and Alice and her cadre have three hours to trap the virus before these "Undead" overrun the Earth.

Now, in case you weren't aware of it, Resident Evil is taken from and loosely based on what all good movies are taken from - a VIDEO GAME but even though it's taken from a video game it still resembles every other (except 28 Days Later) stupid zombie movie ever made with gazillions of plodding, blind (they must be, they usually walk with their arms outstreched), moronic, sometimes drooling, sometime bleeding "Walking Dead". Oh why didn't they make a movie about "Pac Man" instead? Hey I could get into that and talk about original. Even "Space Invaders" would have been better with slow plodding space ships instead of zombies.

And while we're at it, what's with Hollywood these days? Seems like every-other movie that comes out any more is based on a cartoon character, a video game, a classic story, a fairy tale or is a remake of an older movie. If Hollywood is stagnant and they're hurting that much for some fresh ideas, maybe we Epinionators ought to come to their rescue with some novel new ideas. Hey that could be another write off! The "Help Hollywood Out" write off but I digress. Speaking of digressing, did you ever wonder why Zombies are slow but the other undead like Vampires are super fast? Another mystery of the Universe!

CREDITS

For you purists here are the credits:

Paul W.S. Anderson - Director

Jeremy Bolt - Producer

Samuel Hadida - Producer

Bernd Eichinger - Producer

Paul W.S. Anderson - Producer

and the so called actors:

Milla Jovovich - Alice

Ryan McCluskey - Mr. Grey

Oscar Pearce - Mr. Red

Indra Ov'e - Ms. Black

In case you haven't figured out what I thought of Resident Evil, read my conclusion below.

CONCLUSION

#@*$#%?]X~#@\O/\@3@$%^% )xxxx(*&##^%

Author's Note

You didn't think I was finished did you? Did you ever notice that when a studio makes a really bad movie, they seem to be ashamed so they try and make it up to the public by filming a sequel. Obviously this is an effort to make up for the monstrosity they foisted on the unsuspecting public by trying to get it right on the second try. Well the makers of Resident Evil apparently have realized the error of their ways and have released a sequel entitled Resident Evil - Apocalypse. Rather Apocalyptical don't you think?

Friends

With this review I'm comencing the second annual ONE STAR'S TOO HIGH Write Off. The subject of course is to be any item, book, movie, car, household product, music, restaurant or whatever you can think of, in which the product was so bad and that you despise so much, it doesn't rate a single star.

Please try not to allow personal taste get involved in your selection. Taste is subjective so try to select only items which you feel nobody would like. Please select only subjects that, in your opinion, are totally irredeemable.

Everyone is welcome and you may enter by writing your review and simply entering a link in the comments. I will add your link to this review.

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Recommended: No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age