ER was a rerun last night. That's my excuse for watching this horrid, horrid film entitled Teenage Caveman. Sorry, it's the best I can do.

I don't even know where to begin. Let me start with the "plot," as real movies call it. This is going to have a lot of spoilers, so beware. (Oh, who am I kidding? You need an actual plot to have spoilers!)

In post-apocolyptic north America, there is a band of people that have survived and live in caves. The rules are rigid and enforced by adults. Six teenagers decide to leave the cave to start over after David (Andrew Keegan from O) kills his own father for attempting to rape David's girlfriend, Sarah (Tara Subkoff of The Cell). As the randy pack of teens walk far, far away from the caves, they happen upon a post-apocolyptic Seattle. (We can tell it's Seattle from the broken Space Needle.) Of course, a storm hits. Soon, the teens wake up to some loud, annoying music inside a futuristic apartment that resembles a loft on MTV's The Real World. Enter David (Richard Hillman from Bring it On) and Judith (Tiffany Limos, who has no other "real" acting credits-- probably due to her lack of acting ability). David and Judith lasted through the apocolypse because they volunteered for genetic experiments for money during college. They are (*GASP*) 120 years old.

I know, I know. It gets better.

David and Tiffany introduce David and his friends to the wonderful world of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Sarah is a prude and doesn't want to get involved. After all, she is a virgin and has no interest in sex. So, she splits and David follows as the loyal boyfriend he is. The other four have sex with Judith and Neil as well as each other, all the while snorting some sort of cocaine and drinking as if it was going out of style. So, you've got some horny teenagers that drink and do drugs. Sounds a lot like director Larry Clark's other film, Kids.

But wait! There's more!

We find out that Neil and Judith carry a genetic virus that is transferred through - you guessed it - sexual intercourse. The first chick who had sex with Neil, Elizabeth (Crystal Grant - another nobody in the entertainment industry), gets sick. I mean, really sick. Neill and Judith bring her into the bedroom and lie her down on the bed. Judith puts her hand down her panties and masturbates as Elizabeth writhes in pain and subsequently blows up.

You get the idea.

Of course, David and Sarah aren't infected with the virus because Sarah is a prude and David is whipped. Another kid dies, and Sarah and David figure out what is going on. The last girl dies, but the last boy, Vincent (Stephen Jasso, probably the worst actor in the world) mutates properly. David is tricked into having sex with Judith and he mutates as well. Sarah, virginal Sarah, is still a human. The three men want to rape her and she runs. Neil finds Vincent and kills him because he's jealous that Judith has taken a liking to him. Neil then takes Sarah back to the loft, where he accidentally kills Judith. Seeing their opportunity, Sarah and David run. David kills Neil and they go back to the cave to free the other teenagers.

The end.

See? I just saved you about an hour and a half of your life that you would NEVER get back if you watched this. I mean, really folks. Don't bother. It's probably not even funny drunk, like Plan 9 From Outer Space.

The acting is atrocious. I'm shocked that Keegan even agreed to do this film. He must have been really hurting for work. And, by Subkoff's resume, it's easy to see why she agreed.

It's not even good to watch for the "sex." It's weak, forced and just plain stupid. even the lesbian scenes (what few there are) aren't even a turn-on.
The visual "effects" are horrid. The "score" is pathetic.

Do yourself a favor and change the channel. Or, get it as a gift for someone you hate.


Recommended:
No

Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age