When it comes to spider movies, there are two kinds of fans. One who love them and the ones who hate them. While “Arachnophobia” may have not been for everyone, recently there’s been a couple of appearance from spiders in huge franchises. There was Aragog from “Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets” and most recently and probably the best of them all is “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” that featured Shelob; one huge, scary spider so big and so bad, it gives you the collywobbles. Then there are the B-movies of an array of spider films that are cheesy and probably scary at times. In 2002, the creators of the movies “Independence Day” and the god awful 1998 remake of “Godzilla” made an homage to the B-movie spider films in a campy film entitled “Eight Legged Freaks”.

“Eight Legged Freaks” is about a small town in Arizona on the brink of collapse is swarmed by a giant army of spiders that grew in huge numbers due to some toxic waste dump. Along the way, the spiders grow much bigger and in multitudes of numbers in mines while attacking the locals as they fight back. Directed by Ellroy Elkayem based on a story he wrote with Randy Kornfield that was adapted into a script by Elkayem and Jesse Alexander, “Eight Legged Freaks” is a film not meant to be taken seriously. Instead of promoting it as a horror-like film, Elkayem approached it more as a funny, B-movie-like tone. While the premise is a good idea, like some B-movies, they relegate to cheesy lines and mediocre performances through and through. Despite some worthy moments and nice special effects, “Eight Legged Freaks” just fails to deliver.

The film begins when a truck carrying toxic waste is accidentally spilled into a pond in a small desert town in Arizona. One day, a young boy named Mike Parker (Scott Terra) is visiting his friend Joshua (Tom Noonan, in an uncredited role) to see his spider farm. Joshua has noticed a new group of crickets he found near a pond that helped make the spiders much bigger. Unfortunately with the spiders becoming bigger and faster, they also become more powerful. After Mike leaves, a huge black widow kills Joshua while Mike is trying to sneak back home away from his sheriff single-mother Sam Parker (Kari Wuher). Unfortunately Sam and her partner Pete Willis (Rick Overton) caught him and take him back home.

On their way, they also stopped a group of dirt biker’s led by the town’s mayor’s stepson Bret (Matt Czuchry), who is the boyfriend of Sam’s daughter Ashley (Scarlett Johansson). Ashley gets in trouble while Bret gets a ticket. Mike tries to call Joshua but couldn’t reach as he, his mom and sister go to a town meeting from the mayor Wade (Leon Rippy). The town of course, is in financial ruin due to lame money schemes by Wade as the locals are forced to be on the move again. The only hope the locals know that could save them is the mines owned by the McCormick family but because of gas leakage, they couldn’t work. Wade thinks the McCormick’s were crazy until he sees Chris McCormick (David Arquette) returning to town after he left ten years wanting to show proof that there’s gold in the mines claimed by his late father. Chris had left the town ten years earlier after punching Wade over a girl and ten years later, its déjà vu again as Sam arrests Chris for punching Wade.

Chris decided to reopen the mines to find the gold with help from his Aunt Gladys (Eileen Ryan) while he wanted to tell Sam about why he left. Sam meanwhile gets a call from Pete, whose wife had just left him after the mysterious death of their cat as she is forced to deal with Ashley’s relationship with Bret. Mike goes to Joshua’s place where he finds loads of spider webs and no Joshua as he finds Chris but gets in trouble with his mom. Wade meanwhile is wondering why his group of ostriches has been missing while Aunt Gladys goes into the mine and is suddenly missing as Chris tries to find her. One day as Ashley is out with Bret, Bret tries to put his moves on her as she resists, in a hilarious way, as he is almost killed by a group of gigantic spiders.

Chris goes to Mike about a spider leg he found as he learns that giant spiders are lurking in the town and one in Sam's house attacks Ashley as Sam kills the spider with her shotgun. She calls Pete for help as they decide to go a local, crazy, UFO-obsessed DJ named Harlan Griffith (Doug E. Doug) for help. They use his radio station to tell the townspeople that spiders are lurking in the town and all the locals get ready for war. They go to Wade’s mall to set camp and go for a huge war with the spiders.

While the film is meant to be a mix of comedy, action, and a bit of horror, it doesn’t blend very well. Ellroy Elkayem was trying to make this film into something funny but the comedy often feels flat and the lines aren’t well written. While the special CGI-effects on the spiders look nice, they don’t necessarily feel or look scary. Especially the big one in the end since it’s nothing to be scared about. Though John S. Bartley shoots the film nicely, it adds really nothing to the film or makes it authentic. Film snobs and B-movie fans will easily loathe “Eight Legged Freaks” but it’s a film that isn’t meant to be taken seriously but the reason it didn’t do very well was because it had no premise on what it wanted to be. Elkayem really just had too many ideas and no balance to put it all together.

On the performances, well, they’re mediocre at best so don’t expect any award-winning or scene-stealing performances. David Arquette who is known for playing a goofball starts out with a very restrained tone, which seemed fine until he goes bonkers and decides to kill a bunch of spiders. The goofball acts gets a little overboard but at least it’s not over-the-top like in “Ready to Rumble”. Kari Wuher looks nice and actually pulls off a decent performance although she seemed a little too young to play the mother of Scarlett Johansson. Doug E. Doug provides the film’s most comedic performances although his lines are often flat and doesn’t add a lot of flavor like he usually has done in the past. The performances of Rick Overton, Eileen Ryan, Leon Rippy, and Tom Noonan are well utilized, especially in the film’s comedic moments.

Scott Terra, who is the film’s youngest performer, actually pulls in a nice performance as the smart kid since he’s trying to help the town on fighting the spiders and such and unlike most kid actors, doesn’t come off as annoying. Scarlett Johansson, well, this isn’t one of her best performances. Especially after the great roles of “The Horse Whisperer”, “Ghost World”, and “The Man Who Wasn’t There” since her role is just merely a teenager that delivers some ok lines and is just flustered throughout the film while wearing tight shirts and run. Her performance at best is mediocre though it’s not the worst film she’s done. In response to D_Feinberg’s line about how this role was one film of her away from greatness or failure in his 2002 review, I think no one would’ve expected her to do this and then do the two landmark Golden Globe-nominated performances of “Lost in Translation” and “Girl with a Pearl Earring”. Those two films of course, eclipsed whatever flaws she had in “Eight Legged Freaks”.

Ok, so “Eight Legged Freaks” isn’t the worst film to come out that year but it’s also not one of the best either. Fans of B-movies might enjoy it although they would’ve expected more, particularly in the film’s inconsistent tone. It’s merely just a film to watch if you want a few laughs or something to escape to. There’s no real scary moments or intense suspenseful moments or anything, it really just fails to deliver in its promise. In the end, watch “Eight Legged Freaks” if you’re into spider films or just wait for “The Return of the King” to come out on DVD for some real spider action.


Recommended:
No

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Better than Watching TV
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 13 and Older