Plot Details: This opinion reveals minor details about the movie's plot.

It would appear I’m not the only guy on Epinions willing to come forward and admit to hating Valentine’s Day. Hell, I’m sure there’s lots of them, but leave it to Simply_Crispy to come up with the perfect write-off to mark the occasion.

Here’s the idea, take a film that’s all about love (read: chick flick) and give it the review it deserves – that is to say, thrash it about, kick it in the nuts and leave it for dead. As if that wasn’t fun enough, in the same review, do exactly the same thing to Valentine’s Day. To top it all off, you’re supposed to use as many profanities as possible. To be honest, this is the most fun I’ve had in a W/O yet.

Anyway, on with the review.

I could do one of those express reviews, because there are three words that sum up this movie perfectly: Crock. Of. Shit. However, since this is the worst movie I have seen for as long as I can remember, bar none, I figured I’d vent a little.

The plot – if you can call it that – starts with Paul’s (Jason Lee) bachelor party. For some reason (and don’t bother trying to figure it out cos it’s really not worth the brain cell usage), he decides to just enjoy the party without people realising he’s the groom, so he gives the hat to someone else. The tiki girls come out, Paul starts a conversation with one (he says “you really suck at this”) and the next thing he knows it’s morning and she’s naked in his bed.

Considering our tiki girl is played by Julia Stiles, if they had decided to show what happened in between, maybe I’d have something to put in the “pros” list.

Anyway, with his fiancée Karen (Selma Blair) on her way to the apartment, Paul has to get Becky out of the apartment. Only problem is, she can find all her clothes except her panties, so she leaves without them. Paul finds them and hides them in the toilet tank.

That’s actually a pretty smart move, cos who would think to look there? It is, however, the smartest thing he does.

Fast forward to the rehearsal dinner (no, seriously, fast forward – there’s nothing of any interest or relevance between) and Paul discovers tiki girl Becky is Karen’s cousin. The rest of the movie is spent with Paul figuring out whether its Karen or Becky he truly loves – and it takes a lot of piss-farting around to get there. When they do finally get to the ending, its poured on so thick you have to shovel away all the crap to find the meaning of the whole thing. Take my advice – don’t bother cos there really isn’t one.

So now that I’ve given the script a good kicking in the nuts, let’s move on to the acting. Jason Lee, Julia Stiles and Selma Blair are our three leads, which is really unfortunate considering if any of them actually have any talent in the acting department, it’s not up for show here.

Come on Jason, you’re working with two people your character is romantically interested in. Couldn’t you at least try to show some chemistry, even if it’s only with one of them?

Julia, you can actually do better than this – your performances in Ten Things I Hate About You and Save The Last Dance convinced me of that. Why can’t you apply those talents to all your projects? Put some effort in next time. You’re all over the place here, going from dumb blonde to the girl Paul’s really after. Make up your mind, and keep it consistent.

Selma, surely yours was the easiest role. All you had to do was support your fiancée as you thought he was sick, nag at him for a while about a string quartet and at least look somewhat surprised at the revelations. You didn’t do any of it well.

Then there’s the supporting cast. I won’t go into great detail, but they’re not a lot better than the leads. I especially hated tiki girl Tania. She was perhaps the most annoying character I’ve seen since Janice on Friends, and yet she had less screen time than Crush did in Finding Nemo.

Well, what about the music? There’s a fascination with the song Islands in the Stream, but aside from that its your normal mix of cheesy rock and traditional wedding party music. Crap.

Direction? Special Effects? Anything? Any redeeming features at all? No. None. Zilch. Nada. You get my drift.

Most chick flicks are pretty bad, but this takes the wedding cake, shoves it in our faces and says “Hah! You just wasted a good eight bucks on me! Look what you got for it. Jackass”.

Yet another chick flick, yet another movie girls find funny (the one I saw it with did), and seeing as there’s a disturbing lack of sex scenes, it’s probably a great Valentine’s Day present.

dbcint veers off on a tangent

Can we just talk about Valentine’s Day for a sec? Maybe it’s the lack of love I get that day, maybe it’s the commercialism, or maybe it’s the fact that we really don’t need one particular day of the year to be romantic, but I really hate it.

It’s honestly the stupidest fucking holiday I can think of. Most likely invented by Hallmark or something like that, guys are supposed to lavish gifts on their partners and proclaim how much we love them.

Why the hell do we need a certain day to do that? We’ve already got anniversaries, birthdays, and dammit, basically any other time we wanna get laid to do that. It doesn’t just happen on Feb 14. No-one can say us guys don’t love our girls enough, maybe we just don’t really know how to show it.

So, what, we need a day of the year to teach us? What fucking business is it of those who created Valentine’s? We can take care of our own relationships for the most part thank you very much. (Although characters like Paul make me wonder.) How about butting out, getting this commercialism crap out of our faces (cos lets face it – Feb 14? After the chaos that is Christmas (no doubt there’ll be a rant on that at some stage too) who the hell has money left only halfway through February?) and letting us go about our own way for once?

The truth is, blokes can’t handle Valentine’s Day – it’s too fucking much. There’s so many other dates chicks want us to remember in a relationship (first time we met them, first time we talked to each other, first date, first shag, wedding anniversary, birthday, etc – I’m sure there’s some I’ve forgotten, thereby proving my point). For fucks sake, do we really need to add Valentine’s Day to the list? NO.

Don’t let this movie, or this crap filled holiday, insult your intelligence. Avoid both at all costs.


Details of the St. Valentine’s Massacre W/O can be found here: http://www.epinions.com/content_3726221444


Recommended: No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: None of the Above