Plot Details: This opinion reveals everything about the movie's plot.

The first line our boy Jean-Claude utters in "Derailed" is, "I'm on vacation."

Forget that it's a cliche for the action hero to be reluctant about being recruited to save the world...no, I think we have to face up to something far more sinister: I think he was telling the truth.

It certainly seems as if Van Damme made this movie while he was on vacation, and often forgot he was supposed to be involved in a motion picture.

If only WE could be so lucky.

This review will be chock-full of spoilers because, believe me, you want this one spoiled for you. You want me to remove every vestige of possibility that you might want to ever be exposed to it. You want the very notion of viewing it to cause you nausea.

Er..."nausea" and "be exposed to it" are deft literary nods to the fact that the plot involves terrorists trying to acquire a biowarfare weapon on a train.

But I get ahead of myself. I would have been more lucky if I could have gotten ahead of the whole movie, and just watched the end credits.

Van Damme plays a secret agent of some sort, tasked with acting as a courier/minder for a thief who stole a biological weapon. Catch all that? Good. Van Damme has to shepherd the thief onto a specific train, ride that train to its destination, and hand the thief and the weapon over to Van Damme's employer.

Why the thief has to go along for the ride is not quite explained. Why the thief would even give up an identity to some secret government agency is not explained. Why Van Damme can't just give the thief the payment and get the weapon himself is never addressed. Why they can't just drive from one European country to another is not even discussed.

How a thief with breasts larger than my head can perform complex gymnastics is just as baffling as the rest.

If we're looking for plot holes, though, maybe we should start with this one: supposedly, Secret Agent Van Damme has been keeping his job duties confidential from the likes from his wife and kids for twenty-some years. Yep. He's crafty. Anyway, he's so professional, he lies to wife to get out of celebrating his birthday with her and the young'uns, so he can do this mission (during his vacation, of course).

Yep. He's that good.

Except, uh...he tells her exactly WHAT TRAIN HE'LL BE ON.

Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of lying and keeping things secret, I figure. I mean, well...

Oh, heck-- she shows up on the train. With the kids. To surprise him for his birthday. And catches him with the breasty thief.

Thus creating the first train-based Van Damme flick to resemble a "Three's Company" episode.

Oh, is this a bad movie.

The action is spliced together in the modern manner: with quick jump cuts and other spiffy tricks, thus ensuring you can't tell what's going on. In one scene, both Jeany-Boy and the thief are kicking baddy-butt, and the director decides to split the screen to show both fights simultaneously. I don't know who told him this would be a good idea.

The acting is weak.

No.

Scratch that.

The acting blows underage chihuahua genitalia. I have seen junior high school productions with better talent. The Canadian Yiddish Transvestite Dentists' Theater Company probably has better acting.

The acting was bad, bad, bad.

Of course, the actors weren't much assisted by the egregious dialogue. I am convinced that the maid who last changed Mamet's sheets could come up with better dialogue.

The quality of the writing wasn't much better. Nor the directing.

Man, what was happening on the set of this movie??


Now, I know nothing about trains. I've ridden Amtrak enough to know I'd rather be stung in the tongue by bees than ride a train. But there's something cool about an action movie done on a train. Because, hey-- you can't get off. You're moving fast (which is dangerous, and thereby cool), but you're stuck in an enclosed space. This makes for some great Die Hard-type scenarios, where the hero has to off the baddies while not being allowed to flee. Good notions of this concept have included the "Under Siege" sequel (of course, Bogosian as an evildoer is just wicked cool), "Narrow Margin" with Hackman, and the original "Mission: Impossible" film.

But this movie squanders that potential by just being downright silly. The villains use a cell phone jamming technology that consists of a plastic box, attached to the ceiling of the engine compartment, and which they refer to using a technical term: they call it "the cell phone-blocker." The entire train, supposedly, is riddled with air vents large enough to fit a big-teated prostitute. The conductor knows the inner (and outer) workings of the vehicle in such detail that he can recite them from memory. The engine works even when left burning for a half-hour.


Now, hey, don't get me wrong: I like me some Van Damme. Watching him kick people in the head and inflict all other sorts of Van Damage is way cool. I have enjoyed some of his past films, even though some were pitifully silly and poorly executed.

This is just downright bad. Really, really bad.

I was stuck, once again, while viewing this film, of the similarity between Van Damme and porn star Rocco Siffredi. They are both aging, squat, muscular, Eurotrash men that speak several languages with heavy accents, sport short, brownish-blondish hair and who trade on their physical capabilities more than their thespian talents.

The bizarre thing is that Rocco seems to become a better actor with age...while his mainstream counterpart does not.






















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Recommended: No

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age