There is just something about Stephen Baldwin that makes me want to take a sharpened stick and ram it straight through my eyeballs. Take that back, I don’t even want it to be sharpened. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a move when I didn’t want to take a thorough bath afterwards. Spider’s Web was no exception. I don’t know if it is his dead eyes or his inept acting ability but frankly he just blows, and not in a good way.
I don’t know what kind of egocentric mo-fo Baldwin is, but get this, Kari Wuhrer was billed as ‘the older woman’ that tempts him in this movie. Older woman? For one thing she is a year younger than Baldwin in real life. Maybe they were referring to her talent and maturity which far outshines a Baldwin any friggin day.
But that is enough about my love fest with the Baldwin family that seems to be procreating with the Caulkin family and pumping out actors, trying to find one with talent.
Still waiting………
Back to Spider’s Web. The movie is fun, mainly because it falls back into the old Hitchcock theory that all isn’t what it seems to be. It’s a sting movie with people flipping on each other right and left.
Wuhrer, the old hag, plays the part of Lauren Bishop. Lauren has decided to make it her lifes work to be entombed in a male-oriented stock/bond/trading world. Intelligent and sly to a fault, she naturally gets passed over when promotions come around and most of her work gets, shall we say, ‘borrowed’ by her boss. What Lauren lacks is a real set of balls, she already has the mental ones.
In swaggers Baldwin, as only a Baldwin can, the spoiled son of an aging father of some company or the other, waiting for daddy to die so he can collect his money, playing the part of Clay Harding. Even adopting a manly name like Clay won’t give a Baldwin a set of balls, but I digress.
Circumstances, and drugged alcohol, throw Wuhrer and Baldwin together, and from that point on the plot thickens. Using HER intelligence and his money, they devise a sneaky little plan to get their hands on a cool $40 million dollars. Uh huh, $40 million. And in a way that helps Lauren regain some of her much needed employer admiration and Clay an opportunity to show his bare naked butt.
I’d rather watch Dennis Franz take another shower on NYPD Blue than see a naked Baldwin butt.
Sorry.
The damn shame about this is the fact it was such a fun movie that if it had starred someone else, even Kevin Costner although he is too slow and plodding even if he does have a nice butt, it would have been a good movie. I just kept getting sidelined with the arrogant attitude of Baldwin. But maybe that is what was needed for this film. Catch 22.
Actually the plot twists reminded me a little of Wild Things cause you never knew who was setting up who and who was going to end up victorious. Just who exactly was gonna end up with that $40 million?
As far as acting goes, I have to give a thumbs up to Wuhrer. Not only was she ballsy and cocky, she allowed herself to me made to look like the older woman. And she had to have sex scenes with Baldwin, that should have earned her an academy award in and of itself. For an old broad of 38 she still looked tasty to me. In fact, that tastiness is displayed, in case you are wondering, she does get naked. A lot, an awful lot.
It also starred Stephen Baldwin.
Written by D. Alvelo and David Lloyd, directed by Paul Levine.
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