Plot Details: This opinion reveals major details about the movie's plot.
And then there was DR. SHOCK’S TALES OF TERROR. And my soul died a little bit in the aftermath.
Now, I like a good horror anthology feature as much as the next fan. I’ve always felt the short form suits horror more than any other genre because it further opens the way for experimentation as far as subject matter and storytelling methods go. But a lot of the time the problem you run into with movies like this is the people making them have no idea what they’re doing. More often than not, you get movies like this where the writers, directors, and producers (usually they’re all the same person, as in this case) think you can throw in a little blood, maybe a vampire, and you’ve got yourself a horror movie.
If only it were that easy. Horror is meant to evoke a particular response. It’s supposed to make you think twice about turning out the lights and climbing into bed. Horror is meant to frighten, but so little horror does anymore. And I put some of that blame on the fact garbage like this has to come along and ruin horror’s good name.
DR. SHOCK’S TALES OF TERROR is a quartet of short films hosted by the ridiculously over-the top Dr. Shock with his “X-Ray Gogs” and bad wig. He tries to sell us on how horrifying his movies are, but in the end they just get progressively more worthless.
All four were written and directed by the team of Douglas Agosti and Lance Otto Smith (/producers/cinemaphotographers/editers/special effects as well). Both have more SFX credits than anything else and this movie makes it clear why. Visually there’s some pretty awesome effects, but as far as story, direction, and acting are concerned, as Flavor-Flav once said, “WOOOOOOWWWWWWW!”
Story #1, “Bullet for a Vampire” is about a mafia don who mistreats a gypsy woman after she gives the don’s daughter a bad reading. In retaliation, the gypsy summons from the grave a hitman of her own. Drake Uala (seriously) rescues the don’s daughter from a couple of muggers, gets himself invited into the don’s house, and turns the daughter into a vampire before vanishing into the night.
In defense against his undead daughter, the don clocks her in the mouth, knocking out a fang which gets embedded in his fist, then stakes his princess before going in search of her maker. The don stakes the King of the Vampires and is then revealed to have been turned into one himself. Like we were all too stupid to have seen than coming when he plucked the tooth from his hand earlier.
Yawn.
Unfortunately, this was actually the best of the bunch--and this was total sht, so you can imagine how bad the others were. No, you don’t have to wonder, I’ll tell you.
Story 2: “The Town that Loved Pizza”. Hillbilly brothers Jedidiah and Obadiah move to a small Texas town (filmed on location in Ohio. In winter!)-population 200-where they open a pizza shop selling “Meat Pizzas Only”. One guess where the meat comes from.
The brothers wander the town always wrapped in their blood-stained chef aprons with nary a questioning glance.
One victim is killed with a chainsaw (while hanging from the wall with a hook through his back--wonder where that idea came from) while another is run through a wood chipper (again, wonder where that idea came from) which is aimed at a big plastic bucket with “fixings” written on the side.
Story #3: “The Garden Tool Murder” is about a groundskeeper at a city park who kills people for littering in his park. His weapon of choice is a weed-eater. Obviously Smith and Agosti are huge TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE fans as the “homages” just keep coming--our killer is seen more than once chasing some victim through the woods keying the gas on his weed-eater and failing it about as he runs them down, reminiscent of that famous scene from the first TCM film.
The ending featured a twist, but it was far from original, and even further from satisfying.
The last story was the most worthless of the lot. “Demon’s Day” tells the tale of a cloned Lucifer who takes out a few of the real demon’s lackeys before facing the Prince of Darkness to a one-on-one grudge match. If there was a point to this story, I missed it. If there was an explanation just what was really going on, I missed that, too. And if there was an explanation how the demon clone was gestated in a small fish aquarium, then grew to instant adulthood, I missed that, as well.
Maybe I was busy weeping over those two hours of my life this movie brutalized. Disgraceful, that’s what this movie was, and it’s stuff like this that is killing horror, especially in movies.
The same sorry stable of actors followed Agosti and Smith from film to film and I wanted to feel bad for them, but they all seemed to be enjoying themselves too much, so I decided to apply some blame to them as well.
Bruce Hoyt played four different roles (Nick / Obadiah / Cloned Demon/Lucifer), as did Steven Bick (Alley Thug #2 / Farmer / Idiot / Henchman). To their credit, Agosti and Smith didn’t ask anyone to do anything they weren’t willing to do themselves, and they each played four roles as well (Agosti: Stool Pigeon / Fred / Mr. Weedfield / Pimp, Smith: Sheriff / Caleb & Twin / Cloned Demon). Kristin Brochetti played three, but all were very unimportant bit parts, Woman / Miss Cherry / Hooker.
Shot on video, the quality of the pictures varied. “The Garden Tool Murder” actually looked pretty good, but “Bullet for a Vampire” relied too heavily on shooting day for night--and not very convincingly.
Unlike most other horror anthology movies, DR. SHOCK’S TALES OF TERROR did not exactly collect all of its features under one banner. Instead, after each “feature”, we get to sit through the credits for each individual movie before Dr. Shock comes back on to intro the next piece of excrement.
I admit I was probably biased against this movie from the beginning. As soon as Dr. Shock appeared I knew I was dealing with someone who THINKS he’s a horror fan, who probably watches all the wrong movies and reads all the wrong books and would be the first to tell you what a “freak” he is for liking this stuff. I hate people like that. It’s that mentality, that there’s something abnormal about you if you like horror, that allows the creation of worthless crap like this.
You wouldn’t say someone who likes science fiction is a freak. They’re nerds. Western fans aren’t freaks. They’re hicks and rednecks. But because you like ghosts and whatnot, there’s something “wrong” with you. That’s just absurd and Dr. Shock (and Agosti and Smith) should be ashamed, not only contributing to the stereotype, but doing it in such a completely unoriginal manner.
DR. SHOCK’S TALES OF TERROR should have been titled DR. SHOCK’S TALES OF CLICHÉ CRAP.
Four tales of unrelenting terror are featured in this modern day collection of macabre stories. In THE TOWN THAT LOVED PIZZA, the inhabitants of a sma...More at HotMovieSale.com
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