**This review contains spoilers!!

I have to start off my review by stating something you may not know: I am a horror movie fanatic. Now, I must admit, I haven't seen a lot of older sci-fi movies, but I grew up in a generation that thrived on Jason, Freddy, and Michael Meyers sequels. Freddy vs. Jason was the best garbage I ever saw, and it's movies like these that I just love to hate.

When I heard Texas Chainsaw Massacre was being rereleased, and saw the chilling preview, I knew I had to go see it. But I had learned my lesson with tons of cover songs - you should always know the original before you look into an interpretation. So when I was at work (I work at Best Buy) and saw a the new DVD, I picked it up with my employee discount for a measly $13, and ran home to pop it in.

Now, I don't want to turn this review into a review of that movie; anyone who has seen both will agree that they are not the same movie. But it's undeniable that this is a horror classic. Even though it is a little bit cheesy (it was made in '74), it was weird enough in a documentary-like way to freak me out a little.

After being impressed with the original, I set my sights high for the remake. I paid my $7.50, sat through the same previews I sat through 2 days ago at Kill Bill, and got ready to get the crap scared out of me.

Now, the movie started off a little bit slow. I noticed we got to know our characters a lot better than we did in the original, even though they're not the same people. The problem: I didn't like any of them. I guess Jessica Beil (jiggly as ever in this movie) was made out to be some likable good girl, but trust me: by the end of the movie, you'll just want to slap her for always running into the room with one door or the car with no keys.

One of the main things I didn't like about this movie was the fact that it was remarkably different from the original. Now, I understand that a remake should take on some creativity and alter some things, but the only similarity here was the dude with the chainsaw. The weird characters we met in the original actually added up in the plot. Here, we have a suicidal hitch hiker (who is never explained), an insane sherrif (the only good performance here, by R. Lee Ermey), Leatherface himself, some guy with no legs (making up for Franklin in the original, maybe?), and two ladies with a stolen baby (don't ask - this doesn't get tied into the plot at any point.) None of these characters really go together. Actually, none of this movie is really tied together very well.

One of the great things about the original is the sense of... well, macabre, for lack of a better word. This movie seems like exactly what it is: some big budget Hollywood slasher flick where a girl with big boobs makes all the wrong decisions and somehow miraculously beats the killer in the end. (I warned you about spoilers... besides, as if it wasn't painstakingly obvious...)

Now, not comparing the two films for a moment, this movie would still be bad. First off, it is mind-numbingly long. Really, it's only 90 minutes, but it seems like an eternity. The climax doesn't pick up until the last 15 minutes, and even then, it's drawn on until the last few minutes of the movie. Besides, even the climax isn't climatic. Besides, the stupidest people in the audience know what's going to happen! At least the original was somewhat unpredictable. I could've told you just how this was going to end halfway through when my frustrated brother walked out.

None of the actors stand out. No one gives a solid performance. There's nothing good about the mood of this film: it's obvious it tries to hard to be freaky. Not even the lighting is good in this movie. You don't care if the characters die because they're all idiots. The soundtrack is over the top. And did I mention it's mind numbingly long?

Sounds like your basic Friday The 13th sequel, right?

Right. But the problem here is that this isn't a sequal. This is some hyped up film that stamps the Texas Chainsaw Massacre name on it and tries to promise a lot. It really would have been more fitting to tack a VII onto the end of the title. Then at least we would know what we were getting out of this.

In conclusion, I think it's obvious that I hated this movie. Throughout the film, I was rolling my eyes at all the stupid things these teenagers did, and actually said to myself "Is it over yet?" If you want to see a good horror movie, the original was just rereleased on DVD, so go pick it up at Best Buy and enjoy a good movie.

Recommended: No