Sometimes, you can just smell that a movie is going to be really bad. Maybe its the legions of people telling you how bad it was when they saw it. Maybe the scores of negative reviews threaten you to shy away from the movie, screaming out, "Back! Back! Your eyes may burn!!!".
Or something like that.
Regardless, I went and saw Van Helsing, a film which chooses to use a literary figure as a jumping off point for a plot that has absolutely no relation to the character for which the character is named. That character, of course, is Batman...er, I mean Van Helsing, the famed elderly vampire hunter from the classic Bram Stoker novel, played here by the not too terribly elderly Hugh Jackman. And, he isn't exactly a vampire hunter, he's the Vatican's own James Bond-like Vanquisher of Evil Beasties, which Transylvania apparently has in spades.
Anyway, the plot, and there's a lot of it, revolves around the Romanian village of Transylvania, which has been plagued by Dracula, his harpy-like brides (who turn into supermodels in revealing outfits when they aren't flying. This is presumably to keep the average adolescent male interested during the lengthy and painfully acted scenes wherein the brides have to talk), and some miscellaneous wolfmen. Why exactly the people of Transylvania haven't decided to move over to lovely (and vampire-free) Bucharest, I don't know.
Regardless, Dracula has a scientist by the name of Frankenstein working for him, building him a creature in which he intends to restore life. This leads to the creation of the bizarre, green-glowing Frankenstein Monster, which, in turn, results in the villagers storming the castle. Apparently creating life is a major hot-button issue for Transylvanians, while vampires randomly killing and drinking the blood of townsfolk is fine by them.
Anyway, the monster escapes, after which we cut to our hero, Batm...Van Helsing, who is currently chasing down a suspiciously Andre the Giant-looking Mr. Hyde (as in Dr. Jekyll and...), a chase which results in the good Dr. Jekyll laying, sprawled on the ground, quite dead. Unfortunately for our heroic Scourge of Evil, most of the bad guys turn back into humans when they die. Ergo, he is one of the most wanted men in all of Europe.
But, he is working for the Vatican, so it must be for a good cause, right? I mean, he is doing God's work, killing and blowing things up and...I'll leave the religious implications for one more qualified than I.
Upon visiting the Vatican, he is sent off on another fun and exciting mission, this time, to Washington D.C...oops, I mean Transylvania (probably safer there, anyway). There, he is supposed to help the last in the Valerious line, sworn to vanquish Dracula, kill the blood-sucker, lest their souls be left in Purgatory, or somesuch.
I suppose it should not come as a shock that the last of the Valerious line is a lovely (and impractically corseted) woman named Anna (Kate Beckinsale), who also happens to be a Gypsy princess.
A brief time-out for historical notes. Historically, the Pax Romany (commonly known as "gypsies") were a nomadic groups, originally from Romania, but largely treated as pariahs in their homeland. The term "gypsy" was an epithet, intended to distance the Romany from their historic roots in the nation of Romania. Also, "Anna", in Romanian, would be pronounced "ahn-ah", not "ann-ah", as it is pronounced repeatedly in this film.
Naturally, based upon this historical note, you would naturally assume that the gypsy princess Anna would be the community leader in the Romanian city of Transylvania, right? Well, likely or not, she is. And she doesn't want Van Helsing's help, because...well, its her battle and her duty, so...oh my, Van Helsing, what a big grappling hook gun.
Okay, so the requisite sexual tension enters play as the duo set off with Van Helsing's bumbling inventer sidekick to take on Dracula, his brides, and any other nasty creatures the writer/director decides will suit the film. Hey, that $160 million isn't going to spend itself, you know.
Along the way bizarre sub-plots involving the Frankenstein monster being a tool in some plan of Dracula's, and the wolfmen's role vis a vis Dracula, serve to pad the film's length to add that "epic" touch, and give more excuses for dramatic and excessive abuse of CGI. All of this leads up to the dramatic confrontation between Van Helsing and Dracula, wherein we discover that...oh, who cares, really? We all know who's gonna win.
Truthfully, this film has problems from start to finish. The plot is cumbersome and over-complicated, the action scenes blatantly stolen from Batman, Indiana Jones and James Bond, the dialogue is facile. None of the characters seem remotely capable of doing an appropriate accent (why Jackman is bothering with an American accent, I don't know. It makes just as little sense as an Australian one. And I doubt if anybody in this film actually knows what a Romanian accent sounds like; they certainly don't sound like it.) The direction of the film is clearly designed to emphasize the CGI effects, which, unfortunately, aren't impressive enough to merit the attention given on screen.
In truth, there are two major reasons to see the movie. The first is an easy one: attractive leads. Jackman and Beckinsale certainly are nice looking, and their costumes quite becoming. Personally, I don't see this as reason enough to see a movie, but, if it works for ya, go for it.
The second is a personal fave of mine: the movie is highly mockable. The dialogue is often laughably bad, and some of the action scenes are so improbable that it will render all but the most gullible into wondering how the parties involved could possibly think they make sense (a team of horses driving a carriage successfully jumping over a collapsed bridge?). The wildly gesticulating brides of Dracula make for some mocking, as well.
In short: This movie is bad. But, at least its one of those "so bad, its good" bads. There is entertainment value to be had with this movie, even if it is just the entertainment of feeling superior to the people who produced this movie.
Van Helsing, a legendary monster hunter, is summoned to a mysterious land in Europe. He teams with Anna, the beautiful descendent of a family committe...More at HotMovieSale.com
Legendary monster hunter Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is summoned to mysterious Transylvania on a mission that will thrust him into a sweeping battle ag...More at Buy.com Marketplaces
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