I can't decide which is more horrid... George W. Bush or the "film" Saw. This movie made me actually say (out loud), "Gawd, that was so lame! It insulted my intelligence." I stopped at my local grocery store (on the way home) and actually told many shoppers NOT to see this pathetic waste of celluloid. They looked at me as if I was crazy. In a sense, I have been temporarily crazy for having spent $20 on this movie. I plead temporary insanity.

Having shared this brief diatribe, I will describe the "film" and it's "plot" and then rip it the new A-hole it so deserves. I hope you can feel the passion coursing through my veins as I type this.

Don't get me wrong, this film does deliver a couple of funny lines and a few suspenseful moments. And I must say, the cinematography is very well done. In fact, the cinematography is the sole reason I gave this movie more than one star. The problem is that the HUGE gaping plot point was mixed with odd acting and ridiculous Hollywood drama.

THE FOLLOWING REVEALS MAJOR PLOT POINTS: Trust me, read this and save your money. NOTE: The "twist" at the end is so unbelievable, I don't think telling you will ruin it for anyone. Still, if you don't wish to believe me and see this almost good film, stop reading NOW.

Ok, sit back and enjoy my movie-going experience. I need to set the tone with what happened just before the film started. It's pure comedy. The girl (sitting behind me) started telling her friends about the fact that she needs to take her dog to the vet because the dog's paws are swelling up a lot in the morning. She went on to say that she left the dog's sleeping sweatshirt off last night and the paws were normal in the morning. Then, it dawned on her that the sweatshirt on the animal was cutting off its circulation. I turned around and said, "Excuse me, I'm not trying to be mean here, but it's a DOG, they have fur...they don't need clothes." What does this have to do with the movie? NOTHING...except for the fact that it's ludicrous to put clothes on an animal like it was ludicrous for me to be there in the first place.

The movie opens with a man in a bathtub. Is he drowning? Is he dreaming? A key chain with an LED flashlight swirls down the drain as he yanks the drain plug. We're in a dark room and all of a sudden another man's voice tells bathtub guy to be calm. With the flick of the light switch, the florescent lights illuminate the horror that is their predicament. You see, the white tiled room (they're locked in) looks like an abandoned morgue. Each man is chained to a pipe and in the middle of the room, is a dead man (he appears to have shot himself in the head) in a pool of blood. In his right hand is a micro cassette recorder and in his left - a nickel plated 357 magnum revolver. Each chained man cannot reach the man in the center due to the short chains they're on.

The bathtub guy (Adam who's also the film's writer) reaches into his pocket to find an envelope in a plastic bag. Inside the bag is a micro cassette with the words "play me" on it. After removing his shirt and connecting the drain plug to it, he is able to hook the tape recorder (that conveniently had a small cable loop attached to it) and draw it toward him. He plays the tape and the demonic voice let's us know that the killer knows his name... Adam. And that the guy on the floor killed himself because poison was in his blood.

The second guy (a doctor played by Cary Elwes - from "Glory" and "Princess Bride" fame) tosses Adam his tape, and it tells the doctor that he has until 6 PM to kill Adam or the killer was going to kill the doctor's wife and daughter. (The Jigsaw Killer is actually at the doctor's house - terrorizing his family) This, after the doctor has surmised that the brand new clock on the wall was there for a reason. Also, in the doctor's envelope is one bullet and a key. Both men try the key in both sets of padlocks to no avail. Adam, in a fit of rage, tosses his broken hacksaw remnant at the two-way glass to reveal a video camera watching them. This gives us the feeling they're being watched by the killer.

After a careful rewind and replay of the doctor's tape, we can hear the killer's whisper, "Follow your heart." The doctor notices that the old toilet next to Adam has a brown heart drawn on it. One can only assume it's written in feces. So Adam agrees to stick his hand in the feces in the bowl. Yummy. Then he searches the upper tank to find a plastic garbage bag. In the bag, is a pair of hacksaws and some pictures. Both men try to saw through their very heavy chain to no avail. The doctor comes to the realization that the saws were really meant for their feet (to free them) rather than cutting through the chain.

I hope you're following this, because here's where the film starts to drift into flashbacks.

Enter the detectives (Danny Glover and his partner) they are tracking a twisted guy called the Jigsaw Killer. This guy never actually kills anyone, but puts people in bizarre predicaments to live or die. One guy tried to slit his wrists, so the killer puts him in small box filled with razor wire and he has to get to the other side and get out before a timer seals him in the room to rot. The man never made it - the barbed wire cut him so much that he bled out.

Another scenario is a man in a dark room and many numbers are on the wall. He was given a shot of poison and the antidote was locked in a safe. He was also covered in flammable liquid. He had to be careful how he used the candle to see in that dark room. He ended up like a Whopper at Burger King...charred and slightly pink.

The third victim was a woman who had a reverse bear trap concoction locked onto her head. She had a certain amount of time to free herself before the bear trap ripped her head open. The key to the lock was in the stomach of the guy on the floor. Trouble is, he was alive! She sliced him open with a scalpel and removed his entrails to find the key! She opened the lock in the nick of time...whew!

Back to our two guys in the white tiled room. After sharing a moment about his family, the doctor passes over his wallet to Adam. He's supposed to find a picture of the doctor's wife to gaze at. Instead, the killer has placed a Polaroid of the doctor's wife and daughter tied to the bedpost in the doctor's house. On the back of the picture is a hint about "X marks the spot" and that they can see with their eyes closed. After a while, Adam figured out that the doctor needed to turn off the lights. Sure enough there was an X glowing on the wall. Apparently, the lights charged the glow-in-dark paint. The doctor used the back of the hacksaw to open the tiles behind the X. Sure enough, there was a small locked metal box. The key that didn't open the chain links (from earlier) was used to open this padlock on the small metal box. Inside the box is a cellphone, two cigarettes and a lighter. The cellphone can only receive calls though.

The doctor reads the note in the box that tells him the cigarettes are harmless, but he can kill Adam another way. The doc has a sneaky plan. He dips one of the cigarettes into the poisoned blood on the floor. He kills the lights and whispers to Adam about his plan to fake Adam's death. When the lights come back on, the doctor slides over a cig and the lighter. Adam lights up and then (in a very funny way) fakes his death. All of a sudden, he gets a charge of electricity??????? If the Jigsaw Killer is at the doc's house, how is he zapping him? AND...how the hell is he getting zapped anyway? The chain shows no sign of electrical hook up.

In one of the film's very suspenseful scenes, we flash back to the time when Adam was abducted. His apartment is pitch black and he hears sounds of his creaky floorboards. He searches the apartment with his camera with its mounted flash unit. It's a very tense scenario and the flashes are very eerie as light up parts of his apartment light momentary flashes of lightning. The room is pitch black as the sound of the flash recharging - builds the suspense. Finally the fourth flash illuminates the killer in a closet - we are startled - sort of. I told the guy to stay away from the closet - but does he listen?

Back to Danny Glover and his partner. They discover that graffiti on the wall behind the killer's latest victim is within a certain four-block radius. They hear a fire alarm go off and research which building had a fire alarm go off in the last week. They narrow down the killer's hang out and storm the building, of course, without back up. Once inside, they discover the bizarre world of the killer. We see the demonic animated doll that the killer uses for on-camera speaking parts. We see the planning model for our two guys in the white tiled room and the latest victim strapped to a chair with drills aimed at his skull. The killer walks in and the cops yell, "Freeze!"...and the drills spark up. Of course, the bad guy gets away not before Danny's throat is slashed and his partner is killed by a shotgun booby trap.

Are you still with me? Well, let's cut to the chase. In the heat of the moment, the doctor actually cuts his foot off in order to answer a ringing cell phone and to shoot Adam with the revolver (from the dead guy's hand). Too late, it's after 6 PM and the killer tries to kill doc's wife...a scuffle ensues and she gets the gun and points it at the killer. Does she shoot? NO. She talks and the bad guy wrestles her for the gun. I found myself saying SHOOT HIM! out loud. Danny bursts in and he and the killer exchange gunshots. But this detective goes into a shootout with FIVE rounds in his gun! Again the killer gets away before the (now retired) detective can reload. If he can reload, why not load the first clip with the capacity of bullets?

Meanwhile, Adam wakes in the nick of time. The killer comes back but Adam rises with the toilet tank lid and bashes the killer's skull several times. We breathe a collective sigh of relief...but the doctor somehow, gets zapped with electricity. BUT (and here's where is gets silly) the doctor and Adam share a very uneasy scene about the doc going for help (without a foot and about to bleed to death) The acting in this sequence had many people laughing at the horrid level of pseudo acting. Blame it on a first-time director, but it was painful to watch. ANYWAY, the guy on the floor, GETS UP!!!!! It's the real killer. He's been there this whole time...watching. He peels off the fake gunshot wound makeup and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.

Here's what kills the film for me (besides the Dr. Phil-type of male bonding at the end). If the real killer was in the room the entire time, how did two men NOT SEE HIM BREATHING FOR SIX HOURS??????? I could actually see the guy breathing just before a few of the edits. HOW DID HIS MAGIC ELECTRO ZAPPER PICK WHICH GUY TO ZAP WHEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE BUTTON?

I think the film's title comes not from the hacksaw used by the good doctor to free himself, but rather, the fact that the Jigsaw Killer likes to watch his victims in his sadistic games. This time, he had front row seats.

Seriously, the previews for the four horror/suspense films prior to seeing "Saw" gave me more goose bumps than Saw did.

Dare I venture a guess about a sequel? Can there be so many unanswered questions? Well, if Hollywood feels the need to make "Chucky 4: The Seed of Chucky" anything is possible. I guess dolls that spawn is more believable than today's thriller.

This movie could have been amazing, but seemed to fall apart in the end. Had it been written by the guy who wrote Silence of the Lambs (the film that Saw tried to emulate) and directed by Jonathan Demme, it would have been golden cinematic art. It's as if someone told them they had five minutes to shoot the ending of the film. It was poorly acted and horribly directed and we are forced to believe a few things that are a bit hard to swallow. How many times do we need to see a good guy point a gun at the bad guy only to talk and NOT shoot? PLEASE don't see this movie. We don't need to encourage this kind of cinematic abortion.

11/5/04 side note: I'm working on a film shooting at Lacy Street Studios. Why do I mention this? Lacy played home to the filming of Saw. I was in the areas where the torture sequences took place. And let me tell you, they're creepy. Those rooms were more creepy than the film itself.

UPDATE:

I have seen the sequel. And I have to say that I was far more impressed this time around. Saw 2 is pretty good - not great, but MUCH better than the original Read my review HERE. Who knows what Saw 3 will bring - now in production.


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Recommended:
No

Video Occasion: None of the Above
Suitability For Children: Not suitable for Children of any age