I only saw The Island's trailer once, but once was all it took for it to stick in my head. After a while, all I remembered was the image of Michael Clarke Duncan running terrified down a solid white hall. But that image alone is fascinating, and begs a ton of questions -- what could it possibly have to do with an island? Who or what could scare that hulkster of a man? Where in the world was he? Was it an illusion, or maybe part of one?

The Island is kind of a deceiving title, for little to none of it actually takes place on, or anywhere near, an island. If you were thinking of a tropical atmosphere with some foreboding freakish floozy about it, well that makes two of us. But we're way off.

The story of The Island is barely a notch above the "been there, done that" mark, and only because it could happen. I'd be lying to say the thought didn't cross my mind that it could be happening today as we speak. Rich people, sworn to confidentiality, but who would believe it anyway?

Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The Island takes place in 2019, and starts with a sequence that brought a collective sigh of relief when revealed to be a dream. Lincoln Six-Echo (Ewan McGregor) awakens, takes a piss and is warned by the toilet machine that his sodium levels are too high. A fine enough start.

White floors, white walls, white ceiling, white clothing. Wristband ID's, no bacon for breakfast, and physical contact is discouraged? Okay, now something is looking to be awry. But the real mystery lies in the regularly scheduled "lottery" drawings. At random, someone is picked from this society to be sent out to the Island. Supposedly, the Island is the last place left on Earth that was left unscathed by "The Contamination".

Here is where it started to get iffy for me. The whole "lottery" thing raises a ton of questions, none of which seem like they could possibly be important. How long are they sent off to the island? You assume it's indefinitely. But in that case, why? Keep sending people over there one at a time, and eventually they're all going to end up there anyway, so why not send them all there now? Wouldn't they be wondering the same thing at a point?

Well, Lincoln does a little snooping around and discovers something about this whole "Island" place. It doesn't exist. Furthermore, this entire whitewalled society is just one big house of lab rats, clones basically. Clones whose body parts will be used to replace faulty organs in their original counterparts. More or less a way for (real) people to cheat death.

So the closest thing to a psychological question we are attempting to answer here is: Can clones have feelings? You can probably guess for yourself what this movie's answer to that question is.

The biggest qualm for me was that every time it was just starting to get around to exploring this intriguing concept, it had to stop and throw in a loooong chase scene full of extraneous special FX, many the likes of which you could easily recreate with a mobile and a strobe light. Admittedly, one chase scene involving several gigantic dumbbells on the back of a semi was pretty impressive to watch. In all the car chase scenes I've seen over the last 3 years, I don't think I've seen one where a truck of that size does a complete 360, forwards, and lands back on its wheels again.

The film takes quite a bit of time getting to "the point" as well. You keep thinking "Okay, where are we going with this?" Clocking in at 2 hours and 7 minutes, The Island would have benefitted from a 10-minute shaving job off the first act. And perhaps another 10 minutes off of the chase scenes. I wasn't aware of the running time beforehand, but by the time it was over, I was sure that it had been at least three hours. I don't know, blame the previews.

There is no shortage of good acting, though. Ewan McGregor is suave and confident, and somehow that doesn't clash with his childlike illiteracy about the ways of the world. Scarlett Johansson (as Jordan Two Delta) seems like the type that is almost "too pretty to have feelings" (you know, like Jessica Simpson) but she pulls off a truly inspired, life-embracing performance here. I still see her in my head now handing out ice-cream cones to little kids. I loved her more in this than anything else she's done.

Steve Buscemi apparently can do no wrong in the eyes of the legittest critics out there, but I don't get the hype. He's certainly not a bad actor, but I rarely find him to be the one who steals the show. I was surprised how subtle and serious he was this time around. The unexpected show-stealer to me was Djimon Hounsou, who plays a facility top dog who later has a change of heart. It's always fun when that happens, even if it's only in the last five minutes.

I did get just a little hint of touched at the end, nothing I wasn't able to stifle before it became anything full-blown. I suspect that if you are of the cynical, misanthropic mindset, and/or you're more likely to sympathize with robots, animals and clones than actual people, you too would probably be a little hint of touched yourself. But it was that very knowledge, the knowledge that I myself found it easier to sympathize with them because they were not people, I think that was what stifled my touched-ness. Welcome to self-loathing 101. But I suppose it takes a self-loather to be touched by a movie that basically makes human beings, in all their greed and selfishness, the bad guy.

Spoiler Alert...

After all the time spent wondering about those dreams with the boat, I found it a bit underwhelming that the ending had to just brush us off with a single shot of the boat racing off to uncharted waters, with no real elaboration on how these two less lonely people in the world decided to spend their lives together. Even if they had just gone the way of The Chase and finished out with a shot of the two of them sipping margaritas on the beach, that would've been something. On the other hand, sometimes all you need is to see that "first step". Hey, it worked for Sideways.

End of Spoilers, the big one anyway

There was one moment in which Jordan said she was cold, and Lincoln pulled her closer to him. The look on her face as she got close to him was a look of pure comfort, and in that instant I was completely sold on the concept of clones having feelings (which I guess I was already anyway). Perhaps if they had focused more on the feelings and less on the facts, it would have been more involving.

Ultimately, The Island was pretty much a lukewarm affair. I was hoping it would be more of a mind trip, but instead it was like a mishmash of gross Matrix-esque images, Minority Report-esque chase sequences and a plot that's been so driven into the ground, you almost just want to say the world is real out of spite.

This is the closest I've ever been to recommending a film, but not. 'Cause man, I'm sure dyin' to.

Recommended:
No