Arch Madness
Written: Mar 31 '01
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Pros: Rigid erection won't let you down.
Cons: Many hours of foreplay required to achieve a few minutes of orgasmic delight.
The Bottom Line: This new "Bottom Line" requirement really p!sses me off, but at least enables me to fulfill the expected Hard-To-Please urination reference.
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| Hard_To_Please's Full Review: Jefferson National Expansion Memorial |
Since most of us have already overdosed on “March Madness”, I thought it would be an appropriate time to take a break and instead focus on “Arch Madness”. While my review will include all of the attractions included in The Jefferson National Expansion Memorial, the most famous and recognized of the park’s features is The Gateway Arch, or as many people call it – The St. Louis Arch.
Of course rather than jump right to the exciting climax of The Jefferson National Expansion Memorial, we must first practice proper foreplay technique by spending a cursory amount of time and attention on the boring stuff. In other words, a visit to this National Park is a lot like having sex – if you’re in a hurry, there’s no shame in focusing only on the magnificent monument of steel, but if you have the extra time to dwell on the other relatively non-exciting parts, you should at least make an attempt to savor the full experience. (*Note- my comparison of visiting this National Park to having sex is now officially over - any erotic thoughts you experience during the remainder of this review are a sign of your sexual hang-ups – not mine!)
The Old Courthouse
(First Base)
While you can see the 630 ft.-tall stainless steel Arch from over a dozen miles away, it is not until you are at a more intimate distance that you notice the erect and majestic spire rising between its’ widespread legs. The spire tops one of St. Louis’ most prominent architectural landmarks- the 155 year-old, 100+ ft.-tall, courthouse where the legendary Dred Scott trials were held in the mid-1800s. Virginia Minor’s case for a woman’s right to vote in the 1870s was also decided in this majestic, impressive building. In addition to tours of the restored courtrooms, you may want to check out the museum that charts the history of St. Louis.
On my first virginal visit to The Jefferson National Expansion Memorial, I fumbled around for a good hour at the park’s ‘first base’, but have skipped this attraction on all subsequent visits. In my initial interlude with a park, I don’t mind pretending to enjoy the politically correct step of getting to know its’ history before heading for home base, but after that first special time, there’s no point in trying to relive the magic.
The Old Cathedral
(Second Base)
Now that you’ve gotten to know the park’s background, it’s time to move slowly towards to your ultimate goal. As you approach tantalizingly closer to The Arch, you need to resist the urge to immediately head to the enticing entrance between its’ legs and pause long enough to worship the splendor found prior to reaching the outstretched shanks of steel.
The Basilica of Saint Louis, more commonly known as The Old Cathedral, is one of the world’s most honored churches. The original log chapel was dedicated in 1770 and an intensive rehabilitation was completed in 1963, resulting in a 60+ ft.-tall sanctuary of serenity and beauty. Nearly fifty years ago, a rare honor was bestowed upon the building- the Pope decreed Basilican status upon the church. While inside you can revel in the sensuality of viewing 300 year-old paintings in the museum and cap off the experience by spending quality time with an old dead man in the tomb of Bishop Joseph Rosati.
The Museum of Westward Expansion
(Third Base)
Now that you’re sufficiently aroused by exploring the park’s outer regions, it’s time to get down to business – the Arch eagerly awaits and it’s time to go down between its’ glistening legs. It’s difficult to see the magical spot until you are almost on top of it, but you will eventually see the opening you’ve been striving to reach. As you descend into the depths of darkness between the Arch’s legs, your heart starts beating faster and your breath grows shallower at the promise of what awaits you.
The ramp you are descending beneath the Arch eventually leads you to a cavernous world of wonder – The Museum of Westward Expansion. It takes up as much space as a football field and contains an extensive collection of artifacts related to the Lewis and Clark expedition, including an authentic American Indian teepee and numerous mounted animal specimens. The purpose of the museum is to expose you to the century-long story of the opening of the West in the 1800s and it more than adequately meets its’ goal by completely immersing you in nineteenth-Century culture.
You should start by buying tickets to enter the four-story high Odyssey Theater for a ‘thundering, larger-than-life experience’. The towering screen and explosive THX sound system, will captivate you with powerful film experiences, depicting The American West, The Grand Canyon, and a movie detailing the building of the Arch, Monument to the Dream. Each film lasts nearly an hour (something I’ve rarely been accused of) and costs $6 for adults and $2.50 for children.
Once you exit the theater, you’ll be transported back in time as you scope out a real covered wagon and listen to life-like animatronic pioneers describe their adventures. (One of the animatrons excitedly described himself as a ‘forty-niner’, but since he was standing next to a Mormon animatron, I seriously doubt he ever became a ‘sixty-niner’.)
The National Park’s namesake, Thomas Jefferson, is of course prominently featured and will describe the details, which lead to The Louisiana Purchase. You’ll learn fascinating historical tidbits such as the fact that when he offered $10 million dollars to France for New Orleans, Napoleon Bonaparte countered with an offer to sell the entire Louisiana Territory for the bargain price of only $15 million. Ironically, Jefferson was only willing to fork over $2,500 to fund the Lewis and Clark expedition to explore the land west of the Mississippi River.
As you wander about the museum, you’ll view a replica of the Sod Houses our forefathers lived in, the Bull Boats the Indians used to cross the river, the Longhorn Steers which drove the economy, the Grizzly Bears which ruled the wilderness, the Spanish Appaloosa Horses which provided the main source of settler transportation, and a 1700lb. Bison which represents the main food and clothing source for our Indian and European ancestors.
Now that we have spent several hours politely exploring the area surrounding the beaver, it’s finally time to get fully acquainted with the soft fur of what the exhibit describes as a ‘carefully groomed’ beaver. You’ll learn that our forefathers were so obsessed with getting beaver that it was once on the verge of extinction.
Millions of men were willing to pay up to $9 per beaver in order to get their share of the soft under fur and musky-scented secretion which was used in perfume. Educational material states that the beaver can still be viewed in several other National Park areas where the natural environment is preserved, but not near this particular park. I beg to differ. There are areas within five miles of the park where beaver is abundant, but at prices slighter higher than the $9 charged to the frontier men.
The Arch
(Home Plate)
Very few people can practice enough self-restraint not to proceed to home plate after experiencing the first three bases. The few people I’ve witnessed who resisted the piece-de-resistance: the five-minute ‘ride to heaven’- were not morally superior to those of us who plowed ahead; they were simply afraid of puking or passing out or being trapped in such a tight space. It’s unlikely that you’ll suffer any of those embarrassing fates unless you happen to be both morbidly obese and blind drunk when you decide to go all the way. (And it’s doubtful you’d be able to rise to the occasion under those circumstances anyway!)
Perhaps you’d feel more secure knowing some details of how solidly your conquest was built. The 17,246-ton Gateway Arch was designed by Eero Saarinen and the stainless-steel legs span 630 feet at ground level and soar 630-ft. into the sky. It takes the shape of an inverted catenary curve, a shape such as would be formed by a heavy chain hanging freely between two supports. Each leg’s steel skin is an equilateral triangle with sides 54 ft. long at ground level, tapering to 17 ft. at the top. The legs have double walls of steel 3 ft. apart at ground level and 8 in. apart above the 400-foot level. Up to the 300-foot mark, the space between the walls is filled with reinforced concrete. Beyond that point, steel stiffeners are used. Reinforced concrete foundations sunk 60 ft. into the ground extend 30 ft. into bedrock and contribute substantially to the structural strength of the Arch. It is designed to ‘only’ sway 18 in. at the top during a 150 mph wind. (So much for not puking and passing out!)
(*The pamphlets found at the park actually go into much more construction detail, but they are so frequently peppered with words like rigid, stiff, erection, and tubular, they read more like romance novels than architectural digests.)
You should now be filled with an insatiable desire to reach the pinnacle. Simply purchase tram tickets ($7 adults/ $3 children) and enter one of the eight egg-shaped five-passenger capsules contained in the 40-passenger trains found in each leg. I must admit that climbing into these tiny womb-like sit-down elevators can indeed induce claustrophobic feelings in those made anxious by tight spaces. Since it’s nearly impossible to hold your breath for the entire 7-minute ride, just breath normally and hope that no one in your tightly-packed group had beans for lunch.
Before you know it, you arrive at the 65 ft. by 7 ft. observation platform 60 stories above the mighty Mississippi River. It is truly an orgasmic experience when your seven minutes in the tight, dimly lit womb ends and you pull yourself out to find yourself surrounded in a sunny glow and filled with the satisfaction of knowing that you have gone all the way.
The plate-glass windows are tilted downward and outward and allow you to actually lean over at a 45-degree angle and look down between your legs. (And perhaps for the first time, actually be awe-inspired by what you see!)
The view stretches out for over thirty miles in all directions and you’ll see downtown St. Louis like never before. Now that you’ve peaked, you can easily plan your itinerary for the long afterglow period by picking out which of the dozens of restaurants in sight you’ll walk to when you come down, or perhaps you’ll be tempted to take a cruise on one of the riverboats you can see lazily making its’ way upriver. The Park Ranger at the top told me that the average visitor spends fifteen minutes lingering on the platform once their ride is over. (He didn’t mention how many people immediately rolled over and went to sleep.)
For those who are interested, the Arch is open every day of the year except for Christmas and Thanksgiving. From Labor Day to Memorial Day, the hours are 9 to 6; from Memorial Day to Labor Day, the hours are 8 to 10.
If you time your visit to coincide with the week leading to the Forth of July, you will experience the added bonus of The St. Louis Fair. Over a million people a day visit the park to watch Air Shows featuring Stealth Bombers, The Blue Angels, and other exciting military flight displays. Hundreds of food booths dish out such culinary delights as alligator-on-a-stick and bison burgers as well as dozens of ethnic treats not found in such close proximity anywhere else in the city. There are a dozen concerts being performed at any given time either on the Arch grounds or in nearby Laclede’s Landing while The Main Stage features a handful of Top-Name acts for several days. The culmination of each day’s events is a 9 p.m. fireworks display that is second-to-none and will leave your heart thumping and your chest heaving as you gasp for breath until the relentless pounding ends in a massive display of exploding fireworks that permeate every pore of your exhausted body. When it’s all over, the 90 degree St. Louis night will leave you feeling like a sweaty, limp, wrung-out washcloth – but I guarantee you’ll be smiling!
Recommended:
Yes
Best time to go: June-August
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Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
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 - Top 1000 |
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
Trusted by: 741 members
About Me:
MARK IS MISSED!
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