elsa70's Full Review: I Will Survive [Single] [Digipak] by Gloria Gaynor
...Oh, why do I always manage to get myself into such trouble?
When I first got word of this write-off, I was elated. Then I realized what those words implied and I was about to retaliate.
Why? Because relating music to my existence is a way of having to expose my life, my ups and downs, and my past to you folks. And I panicked. But, well, I'm not known to chicken out at the last minute, so here I am. Bearing my soul. Telling the world the story of my life through music. It's such a personal, intimate, emotional matter, I'm not sure I will be able to carry this off...
Please understand my dilemma: not only is it painful for me to explain why certain songs have branded me for life, it is also practically impossible to make a selection when right now I feel as though music has flowed though me incessantly and created a background of hundreds of songs that have been woven in my heart forever.
That's why in the end I decided to just choose the single song that has meant the most to me in the past 10 years of my life.
*-*-*
Elsa in a nutshell: I will Survive - Gloria Gaynor.
The first time I ever heard this song, it was a track featured in a movie a couple of male homosexual close friends of mine forced me to watch, and that in the end, I thoroughly enjoyed.
- "Priscilla: Queen of the Desert" -
I later learned, Gloria Gaynor was one of the greatest disco divas of her time. She has probably been the first disco queen, although other great singers have rightly claimed that title for themselves, among whom the first that come to my mind are Diana Ross, Chaka Khan, and of course Donna Summer. However, with her first smashing hit, "I Will Survive", Gloria Gaynor became a popular name in music history, and her fame, however increased by the other major hit she brought to success -"Never Can Say Goodbye"- , will always be linked to this single song, rehearsed by others (such a Cake as of lately, and Robbie Williams used the refrain), but played in the original version all over the world, for over 20 years.
I cherish that evening's memory as a pleasant, loving moment of my life, and as so many people out there, I nevertheless identified "I will Survive", whenever I heard it - on the radio, in a club, on TV - with the gay community, being this song a typical hymn for homosexuals all over the world. The pleasant disco rhythm, the fast beat, the fact that it is a perfect representation of '70's music, always made me overlook the words and dismiss this song as light music to dance to.
Little did I know that, on the hardest day of my life so far, I wouldn't be able to get the lyrics to this song out of my head. While incessantly and hopelessly sobbing, those words kept on playing over and over in my head:
....
"First I was afraid, I was petrified, Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side... But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong, I learned how to get along..."
....
It made me smile through my tears.
The day was May 18th, 2000. Sixteen days after my thirtieth birthday.
I had been living with my partner for almost five years. It had been a rocky relationship for a long time, but it had been bordering on disaster during the last months. As so many have experienced for themselves, I knew it was over, but I just didn't have the courage to let go. I dragged on forever, prolonging an agony, allowing myself to be physically and especially verbally abused of, but refusing to listen to the advice supplied by those who cared for me and by my tiny inner voice that kept repeating over and over again, like a broken record, GET OUT OF THIS MADNESS. Blame it on my stubborness, or on my sense of dignity, or on my loneliness, but I just couldn't bring myself to close that door and move on with my life. I thought at the time I had sacrificed so much of my life and my future for the sake of my so-called "love" that I just couldn't admit failure. Of course, I was constantly singled out by my partner as being the sole culprit of all our problems - financial, intellectual, spiritual and yes, even sexual. I let go of myself, I wasn't even taking care of my personal appearance any longer. I just didn't care. I was a mess.
Then a foolish incident opened my eyes. I was home, on a Sunday, alone, while my partner was in the Dominican Republic on a business trip, and he hadn't called me in three days (you know, international phone calls are expensive, and I wasn't worth a ring or an e-mail). All of a sudden, a pipe in the bathroom burst and the house was flooded. I didn't know what to do at first, and I felt helpless, for he, the MAN, wasn't there to take care of me. Then a flash went off in my head: he doesn't take care of me anyway. So I rolled up my sleeves, called a couple of friends, and together we patched the problem and made sure a plumber was available for the next day. That's when I began thinking I could make it on my own, and considering the option of leaving him. But how? My family was nowhere nearby, and I couldn't face the expenses of running a new household all on my own.
All of a sudden, my brother came back to Italy, and was looking for an apartment. I waited for my partner to leave on another business trip and leave me alone for yet one more of the countless weekends I had spent by myself, and I rented a van and with some help from my family and friends managed to shut that door forever. I had to do so to avoid an ugly scene. It was painful, I felt empty, useless, unloved. But I had done it. I was free.
....
"So now you're back from outer space, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face - I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me!"
.....
Oh yes, he came back. They always do. He didn't say he was sorry, he didn't beg me or anything, he just told me not to act foolishly and to go back home. What did I think I was going to accomplish by running off? - And, when he finally came to terms with the certainty that I wasn't going to follow backwards into my footsteps, my partner reared his ugly face one more and said, well, return the pressure cooker should you intend to pursue your temporary madness, for it's my mother who has given that to US for Christmas...
You can have your pressure cooker back, babes. But you ain't getting me - your favorite punching ball - back, not today, not EVER.
....
"Go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, you're not welcome anymore.... Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbyes? Do you think I'd crumble? Think I'd lay down and die?"
....
It's true, I was broke, I was broken hearted, I felt lonely, and I did falter a couple of times... But I had gathered all my strength and knew I could manage. After all, I was only thirty. I had plenty of time to get back in shape and stand up straight again. Only if I didn't turn back just then.
....
"Oh no not I, I will survive... Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive, I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give, I will survive...
....
So there I was. In an empty apartment with my brother. I felt miserable. I knew better not to take along with me any of the furniture we had purchased together, only the items I had bought myself. I was facing an economical abyss ahead of me, and my pride wouldn't allow me to plead for my parents' help, for they had always stated my (by now, ex) partner was a basket case and that I was wasting my time...(You can just imagine what an Italian father thought of living in sin - without marriage - but my partner was also a Comunist who didn't believe in holy sacraments...)
My brother is four years my junior, at the time he was at his first job, and couldn't do much to improve the situation. But together, however, little by little, we made it.
I got everything in my life settled back in place. It took a lot of effort, patience, strong will and a good dose of fortune.... But I did it.
I had always been considered an attractive person, and I couldn't believe how rapidly and drastically my physical appearance had deteriorated in those years. I began taking better care of myself, and eventually resumed my looks. Began liking myself again. Receiving strong approval from the rest of the world. And eventually, taking my time to get to know someone new, who gave a real boost to my ego.
....
"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, Just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart, And I spent oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself...I used to cry - But now, I hold my head up high!
And you see me - somebody new, I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you, So? You felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free? But now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me!"
....
He tried to lure me back into the vicious cycle I had sprung out of. When he fell short of his arrogance, he began pleading me. I was at a point in my life where I could retreat to my old life, with an official partner, or pursue a new life, on my own, and test the waters for a new, unsteady but promising relationship that was developing, although ever so slowly, because I was taking my first tentative steps and was afraid of being hurt once again. I opted for the latter. I refused to look back. And today, I can finally say I am a happy woman, with a loving relationship, and most of all, I am an independent woman, for I don't feel the need to rely upon anyone. I am happy with what I am, today. I never would have made such a bold statement before fleeing from my previous life. The healing process is over.
I DID SURVIVE.
I realize, now, why this song is so important to homosexuals. It's not because of the beat that makes you feel like wiggling your tush. Not because of the melody. It's because it's all about having faith in yourself, and believing there's a better life out there just awaiting for you. All you need is to find the inner force that will push you out of the rut. You deserve to be loved, for what you are, no matter who you are. You owe yourself the very best. I had to learn the hard way, but eventually, it paid back far more that I expected.
I wish to dedicate this song to all those out there who are feeling mistreated. Men and women alike.
If you feel you're not receiving the love, appreciation, trust, respect and companionship you expect from your love life, you're better off alone. You'll find something better - even if it's just a renewal of the love that comes within you.
Love is the ultimate thing that counts in out ephemeral, brief passage in this material world. And you only get to live this life once. Don't waste precious time. Claim your life back. It's the only one you've got. And let yourself be loved.
Listen to Gloria Gaynor high-pitching the words. "I will survive". She did. Many others did. I did. So will you.
******
Now, this was not a consumer-helpful review on a product. This was a heartfelt, passionate entry to the "The Soundtrack to Your Life" write-off, co-hosted by Matta75 and Cletta1201. I'm sure more helpful and interesting entries will be submitted to you during the day of February 18th by the following excellent writers:
paulyoungotti
madtheory
Freak369
Aerocat
lambchops
kris-kochanski
saxguy
tigger500
Monnie1976
DavidK93
Arazim
DVON
jeff_wilder78
Lyrikal_BJ
NFP
BigC55555
EZ013182
kcfoxy
Stairway2drew
xiphoid
lattechick
kuuleimomi
roheblius
And of course, the hosts:
MattA75
Cletta1201
(Good luck to all of you out there. I don't mind how helpful you repute all of this. Honestly. It's just a bit of my heart. But I do hope it'll give you food for thought on how essential love is to all of us.
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