My wife might be what you could call a Snake Oil connoisseur. She’ll buy just about anything that claims to make a job easier, faster, or cheaper. Maybe she has a thing for the fantastic claims or maybe she just likes the fantasy of buying into the pitch, but she somehow gets it into her head that certain things simply must be tried. God love her.

The following is what she might have heard before deciding to purchase the latest “must have”.




Ladies and gentlemen today I bring to you a product so revolutionary, so powerful and versatile, that you’ll wonder how you ever survived without it. That’s right folks, a machine of the highest quality construction that will replace over half of the appliances currently wasting the space on your counter top. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, The Vita-Mix Super 5000!


-----insert enthusiastic applause-----
------------------------------------ “It looks like a blender”------


I assure you sir, the Vita-Mix Super 5000 is much more than a blender.

It’s also a mixer. And it’s a grinder. And it’s even a juicer.

Ma’am? Yes, you. Might I ask if you’d like to see more? Of course you’d like to see more because no other machine in todays universe claims to do more in your kitchen than the Vita-Mix Super 5000. In fact, ladies and gentlemen, today I’m going to show you how the Vita-Mix Super 5000 completes a whopping 35 different food tasks!


---insert more applause, several gasps, and a few whistles---
------------------------------------------------- “You’re wacked”------


“Wacked”, sir? Well watch as the Vita-Mix Super 5000 instantly whacks this container-full of vegetables into a smooth nutritious treat. Just place some carrots and celery and tomatoes into the high-grade polycarbonate container… (stops mid-sentence and holds up both the container and a claw hammer). Oh, this container folks, this container is made of a space-age polymer that resists all forms of cracking, chipping, and pealing. Watch as I accidentally drop it onto this hard wooden floor.


--- he drops it in their silent gaze ---
--------- we hear the bouncing plastic resonance of the container (vegetables spilling all over) — several gasps, then, uproarious applause smattered with several sighs of relief ------


That’s right, this isn’t your average everyday cheap plastic container, this here’s high tech — and just wait till we try the tasty beverages you can make with it.


---he scoops the floor laden produce back into the container---
------------------------ “You’re putting gravel in there, you idiot” ------


I know, sir. But with the Vita-Mix Super 5000’s extra strong stainless steel cutting blades cutting at an amazing 249 miles per hour, we’ll pulverize those pebbles into nothing less than a mineral-rich smoothie. Just you watch.


---he turns on the machine only to reveal an ear-splitting clatter so raucous, the audience jump back in their seats and quiver with shock---


(Screaming into a megaphone). As you can plainly see people, the Electronically Controlled, Variable Speed, Bearing-Driven, Massive 2 Horsepower Motor in the Vita-Mix Super 5000 is up for any challenge you can bring to the table!

----- he turns off the machine and the Lear Jet-like whining quickly stalls to a silence. People look around at each other, confused, ears bleeding. He then pours the contents into a few glasses that he’s set on a tray ------


Any takers? (No response)

------ holding a full glass into the air, he repeats his query back into the fulminating megaphone. Several hands raise and he motions to a portly gentleman to come forward -------

Now drink this down sir and just try to tell me it isn’t the best damn juice cocktail you’ve ever had. (The man kicks back on it, shot-style)

------ the man wipes a bit of the errant concoction from his chin as his teeth rush past his lips in an unrestrained display of palpatory pleasure that quickly manifests into giddied girlish shrieks. Throngs rush forward for a sample of their own. After which, they stand around and nod approvingly toward each other -------

Friends, looky-here as I demonstrate the ease with which I clean the Vita-Mix. Just fill the container ¾‘s full with water, add a drop of dish soap, mix for a few s e c o n d s… and… —bango— a quick rinse, and you're ready to go again. (guffaws)

Now folks, if that’s all the Vita-Mix Super 5000 could do you’d still have yourself a fine, fine product. But wait, we've just begun. (gasps) Take some strawberries, juice, and ice, turn on the Vita-Mix… and… voila; ice cream (guttural, chest-grabbing convulsions). Or, instead of a cold dish, maybe it’s just cold out — and you’d prefer some nice warm soup. (harrumphs) Ladies and gentlemen watch as I place together the ingredients for a lovely Carrot Ginger Tofu Bisque, place the Vita-Mix on “High” for three or four minutes.. a n d… z i n g — w a n g — b o o m, you’ve got yourself a steaming hot batch fresh healthy soup.

---the crowd erupts into chants of “U.S.A.” and an impromptu attempt at “the wave” ---


You might be wondering how the same machine can make both freezing-cold ice cream as well as bubbly-hot soups. That, I tell you friends, that is just another of the commonplace miracles that owners of a Vita-Mix Super 5000 experience each and every day.

--- half the audience simultaneously pee themselves ---


Hold on to your seats folks because right over here I’ve got our special dry blade container. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that right here before your eyes, I can turn these whole grains into fresh, preservative-free flour, and then, use the same container to actually knead the dough that'll make hearty earthen bread. (firework-worthy “ooooohhs”) Now is that a time saver or what?

--- the presentation continues as glassy-eyed observers respond in ways that Dr. Pavlov might even envy ------






Hook, line, and sinker, my wife’s dribble-cup would certainly have long since overflowed. The price for the Vita-Mix Super 5000? Irrelevant. She has the best damn blender that money can buy — and it can do everything. Might as well throw-away all those “old school” pots and pans — because we gonna have us a Vita-Mix Renaissance.






So ask me, ask me how long it’s been since we last used it. Go ahead, ask me.


What, not for soup? — I’d rather microwave a damn cup of V8.

But certainly you cracked some grain? — Nope, it's way too much like grist to be called flour.

You mean, you didn't even make any ice cream? — Listen, can you say sorbet?

Then you must have kneaded some bread dough? — You need a kick in the pants is what you need. Machine-kneaded bread? Wake up, mister, you’re dreaming.


I’ll say this much, the Vita-Mix Super 5000 certainly is a powerful sucker, and I wouldn’t doubt that some folk find ways to use it every day. But Five Hundred Dollars? If this thing can last through 20 years of crushing ice and whipping-up garbanzo beans, then maybe, maybe, I’ll see to see it in a different light.


Maybe.








Recommended: No

Amount Paid (US$): 500