Wild Turkey Love or Who Needs Romance When You've Got Kentucky Bourbon?
Written: Jun 14 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Drunk
Cons: Drunk
The Bottom Line: The Monkey. Drunk. Alone. At home (at least it's only Wednesday night)... and his drunken plea for you to drink the turkey.
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| repulsemonkey's Full Review: Wild Turkey Kentucky Spirit |
You are about to witness a rather exciting experiment. I have just purchased a bottle of Wild Turkey Kentucky Straight Bourbon—the monkey’s personal drink of choice—from my local liquor store where they managed to ram me for close to seven dollars for the tinyass bottle. Before I began writing this, my review of Wild Turkey Kentucky Straight Bourbon, I took one (1) shot, roughly equivalent to 1½ oz. of the damn stuff. I intend to continue taking shots as I write this review, so that I will become progressively drunk as the review goes on, until, finally, I finish the entire bottle… Don’t worry, it’s only a 200 mL bottle. And I am an Epinions professional. Hell, I’m even an advisor.
I do this for you, the consumer, that you might see the effects of Wild Turkey Kentucky Straight Bourbon in action through the course of the review. Often I have pondered the idea of reviewing—see, I normally review music. It’s damn near impossible to give the reader a clear idea of what precisely the music sounds like through writing. But what if you could play snippets of the music you’re reviewing as the reader reads your music review? Imagine the possibilities! You could play clips of a movie for the movie review! Allow folks to watch the toy you’re describing in action! The possibilities are endless.
Well, after much consideration, I decided to implement a small example of my idea into a review. It seemed like liquor would be the most feasible thing to try it on, since you could actually observe my drunk in progress—unless you wanted to read another book review, but those are so boring usually, aren’t they? So here you go: You get the pleasure of seeing the monkey’s unguarded, drunken side, as I answer the following questions, suggested by Epinions himself:
But first, allow me to take my second shot…
Thank you. And allow me to thank those of you who have decided to take this wild ride—some might call it a Wild Turkey ride (heh heh)—along with the monkey. I assure you that it’ll be entertaining and informative like watching a car wreck is entertaining and informative.
(I’ll take another shot before each question)
Epinions: What do you love or hate about this spirit?
The Monkey: Well, Epinions, I’m glad you asked. I’d be straight up lying to ya if I told ya that a certain bragging right didn’t come along with drinking the turkey and you wouldn’t want me to lie to ya would you? No. And really I wouldn’t want to lie to ya. This is the point in the evening when an editor would really come in handy, because that last hoo-hah was quite extemporaneous. As this progresses, I assure you, loyal reader, that as I get farther and farther into this review, I’ll use more and more big words wrongly. Words like "Extemporaneous". It’s not my fault, really. That’s just who I am. Actually, I guess that does make it my fault, doesn’t it? Carry on.
Bragging rights. You see, there’re a quite a lot of people out there who stay far a way from the turkey. And most of them are friends of mine. My friends tell me, "Marty, you’re a damn fool to drink that stuff. All it does is get you into trouble and youn don’t want to get into trouble, do you Marty?" And I say, "NO, friend" and then I take another shot and I call them a derogatory name and coax them into taking a shot of the Turkey with me. I’ve really onlyu turned one other person onto the Turkey, and he quit when he saw a videotape of himself in the shower with some girl acting out scenes from Casablanca, all hopped up on the turkey.
Drinkers of the Turkey are often labeled "hardcore". It’s a technical term. Basically, "hardcore" means that if you’re drinkin’, you’re drinkin’ for real and not sippin’ on wine coolers or Zima (*ahem*, annexation) while all your homies are passing out underneath the pinball machine. "Hardcore" is a term to be honored and praised. Drink the Turkey.
Epinions: What flavors are predominant in this spirit?
The Monkey: (having taken his third shot) Contrary to popular belief, the Turkey does not particularly taste like actually turkey. At this point, I should warn you readers of "Turkey and Turkey Hunter Magazine" that shooting a poor, defenseless turkey will not further you in your mission to create your own, home made, Wild Turkey moonshine. Put down the bow and arrow, Ken. No, folks, Wild Turkey tastes like a.ss on a stick (another technical term).
Bourbon is a product unique to America, distilled from corn. The distinguishing characteristic of Bourbon is that it contains at least 51% corn and less than 49% rye. Really, that doesn’t make it a whole lot different than whiskey. The usefulness that you, the consumer, can find in this fact is twofold. first, if some guy on the streetcorner tries to peddle you "Japanese Bourbon" or "Russian Bourbon" (and I tell you it’;s happened to me) then you know that they’re trying to pull a fast one on ya, because the fact that Bourbon is only made in the US is one of its defining characteristics.
Also, when your friends tell you that they don’t drink Bourbon right after they take a shot of Jack Daniels, your reaction should copnsist of a quick slap upside the back of their damn head, because the difference between Bourbon and whiskey is slight enough that if they drink one, they should damn well be able to drink they other. If they don’t drink the bourbon, they should not be your friend (I make an exception for annexation because he lets me dog him repeatedly in my Epinions).
Epinions: What foods go well with this spirit?
The Monkey: (taking fourth—fourth?—fourth. shot) Now’s a good time to get into the idea of a "chaser", or sometihing to drink immediately after you’ve taken your shot of the Turkey. Most barteneders will give you a water back when you… oops I got sidetracked and haven’t taken my foourth shot yet. My bad.
Okay, most bartenders will give you a water back if you ask for one. I don’t usually ask for a water back with my turkey because it makes me feel a little less "hardcore" and I’d rather just drink the damn Turkey straight, know what I’m sayin’? But I just took a water back with that last shot, so that I could fill you, the consumer, in on the effects. Most people will tell you that water will take off the harshness of the turkey taste and lessen the effects of the turkey throat, but I believe that water only makes you believe that the taste of the turkey is gone, when really it remains in your throat, waiting to lash out at any given moment and turkey you in your turkey face. water is your true enemy. You’re going to hear all sorts of "crazy talk" about how "water will cure what ails you" but don’t believe it, my friend the consumer, don’t believe the myth of the water. The truth is that water will only convince you that you can drink more than you actually can by making you believe that you haven’t drank as much yet. Water will erase the taste of the turkey mouth and make you forget how much turkey you’ve actually drank. How many am I up to now? Four. Well, if it’s less, it’s because of the damn water. I hate you water, you’re supposed to be my friend and you lie to my monkey face by telling me I haven’t drunk.
Okay, also some folks will tell you that you should drink the turkey with a beer back, but I say there’s nothin’ like chasin’ the turkey with the turkey.
You don’t shoot the turkey with eating food, though, the turkey is merely a drinking drink and not a fooding drink, see? When I’m drinkin’, though, I try to have a fresh loaf of grocery store French bread nearby ‘cause it soaks up the alcohol and allows you a cleaner, nicer drunk. Of course, if you haven’t eaten much all day, like the brokeass doesn’t-have-money-for-food-but’ll-drop-seven-bucks-for-a-damn-bottle-of-the-damn-turkey(Epinions won't allow extrememly long words so I'm entering my own parenthetical statement)-damnit-what-the-hell-am-I-thinking-I-hate-you-turkey-I-love-you, then the alcohol will most likely hit you harder like it’s hittin’ the monkey right now. Damn, I’ve drank bottles upon bottles of the turkey, but in my "livin’ off my parents" days the shiznit didn’t go nearly as far as it is tonight on my brokeass empty stomach. Bread is still good for you, though. I highly recommend it.
Epinions: What occasions might be most appropriate to drink this spirit?
The Monkey: (Damn, is it time for my sixth shot already? Well, hell, bottoms up!) Oh, shiznit, I should’ve told you on that last question that you should not mix the alcohols because that’s what’ll give you the damn hangovers.
If I were you, I would not drink the turkey while home alone at your computer. Save that for the trained professionals, like me. My only solace is that this is a Wednesday night and I’ve been working my izass off trying to get a job and get cast in a damn play for the past couple of weeks, so I can afford to take a night where I get assdrunk in front of the computer. Hell, I’m passing on the savings to you, the consumer! Drink the Wild Turkey! Be like me!
Okay, the Wild Turkey is definitely a barrin’ drink, not a homin’ drink. You want to drink the turkey with your "hardcore" friends at the bars with the cute bartenders. And you want to drink the 101 proof Wild Turkey, not the 80 proof Wild Turkey. I used to thinkthat 80 proof Wild Turkey was a myth, until I just recently saw the bottle with the damn 80 proof on it. But you really don’t want to drink the 80 proof, because it will taste just like the damn 101 proof and you’ll only be getting 10% less of the turkey madness that you would be getting otherwise. Those damn bartendeers will try to swindle you and pass you the weak turkey, but I wouldn’t take it if I were you. It makes you less "hardcore".
The Epinions: Who should buy this spirit? Who shouldn't?
The Monkey (One last damn shot of oh I am out of the damn Wild Turkey so I will take the shot of the Jack Daniels whiskey… I know, I know my entire review has been tainted as I am not now pure turkey drunk but as I said before the JD whiskey is much close to the bourbon so give the drunk monkey a break)
You should definietly not buy this spirit if you are under 21 years old. Because that is very illegal. Don’t do that. You should not buy this spirit if you are not a human. Somehow, us monkeys manage to get by. I don’t know.
You should buy this spirit if you want to be hardcore like me and the other turkey drinkers of the world.
I would like to again describe the taste of the Wild Turkey… The wild Wurkey tastes like satan in a bottle, a sip of the Kentucky dirt which decades of farmers have tilled with their turkeys and their trying to convince you that the turkey make your back sweat, but really it just makes you taste like asphault.
I would like to take a moment and thank those folks \who have stuck with the monkey through this entier review. I remind you that it was an experiment and that the Wild Turkey is truly the monkey’s drink of choice. I hope I have provided you with an interesting journey through the Turkey shots (although one was Jack Daniels and we don’t count that one) and given you enought information on which to base your Turkey purchase. I am not going to edit this review, because that’s part of the moneky’s experiment and, hopefully, you will learn just as much about that wild Turkey by watching me get rogressively drunk throughout the course of this review, as you do from the informati8on I have provided. This review is dedicated to Thom413, because he asked me to write a funny review and if you can’t laugh at yourself when you’re drunk, then what can you laugh at? But seriously, you should check out his reviews because i don’t think he writes them drunk and he’s an incredibly under-read but extremely talented writer. thom413. Damn, Tom, I hope I gave your name right but I’m drunk so hopefully peopl will visit your reviews.
I will now leave you with the final atukey thought: Wild Turkey (101 proof) escalates the drinking to the higher lever and you would be well off to turn your friends on to the turkey because it tastes like it has been aged in charred white oak barrels like most turkey has and you should drink it if you want to be cool. I am not saying that I am cool, but you will be cooler if you drink the turkey. Good night.
Love, monkey.
Recommended:
Yes
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repulsemonkey
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