Queen Dairy is Something Different
Written: Feb 18 '05 (Updated Jun 25 '05)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: The treats and commercials
Cons: Everything else
The Bottom Line: The treats are awesome and worthy of taking an occasional risk for, but you should otherwise avoid this place.
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| tch7's Full Review: Dairy Queen |
In an unforeseen twist of events, Queen Dairy has unthawed from the freezer of hell and made a reappearance in my life over recent months. While still being a cold and bitter wench, she’s not all that bad these days in some ways, especially when the hot fudge factors into the equation. Hell, she even makes me laugh once and a while with the propaganda she delivers through the television. However, her cold-hearted disposition brings about issues when she seeks to cook meals with warmth, often leading to meals that deserve to be thrown on the floor, where they will often stay.
There is no question that Queen Dairy likes her solitude, with her many establishments often devoid of any human life whatsoever. That’s not to say the places don’t have a staff, it’s just that to qualify them as “human life” is a bit of a stretch for the likes of me, what with their unearthly ability to dip ice cream in chocolate. As a result of Queen Dairy being frozen for many years, she’s not able to tolerate much warmth, and therefore ensures that all restaurants have a cold atmosphere. Her decoration skills could use some work, given that the plastic/metal chairs and tables are just plain wrong in this day and age. To prevent the atmosphere from feeling sterile and monotonous with the red and white colour scheme, the staff seems to enjoy leaving the artifacts from previous customers on the floor, although the environment is otherwise spick and span.
It is with great importance that we note the two distinguishable types of food offered by Queen Dairy. These two distinct groups can be derived from the former slogan of “Hot Eats, Cool Treats.” The “Cool Treats” category is indeed accurate. However, as we look further into the “Hot Eats” consortium, we are quick to discover the flagrant false advertising. Not only is the food not hot, it’s hard to even say it’s warm. Room temperature is the most accurate description, once you acknowledge that the room temperature is well below that of a normal room temperature. Furthermore, to call these “eats” is yet another howler. Queen Dairy must have become aware of this folly, and thus followed up by changing the motto to an indisputable and astonishingly precise, “Something Different.”
The “Cool Treats” are, alas, the only real entity that’s the least bit good about Queen Dairy’s conglomerate. Queen Dairy is unaccompanied with her creations, facing no considerable competition from the other fellows that she constantly competes against, such as McDonald or King Burger. Nearly all of the treats are based around Queen Dairy’s Soft Serve ice cream, available in vanilla or chocolate – although the chocolate flavour just ain’t right. Personal favourites include their Ice Cream Cakes, Dilly Bars, Dips, and the Brownie Earthquake. Ice Cream Cakes can be custom ordered ahead of time to get a specific pattern on a cake for you, but it’s easier to just choose from one of the cakes they have at the store and ask them to write a message on it. The 10 incher cakes last me a little over a week, but there is a smaller 8” cake as well as a larger rectangular cake that’s close to twice the size of the 10” baby. The cake is primarily composed of the vanilla soft serve, but what makes it so darn good is the fudge and chocolate crumb in the center of the cake. The Dilly Bars and Dips are essentially one thing, with chocolate coating the soft serve center – the only difference is that Dips are on ice cream cones and Dilly Bars are on popsicle sticks. They’re simple, but satisfying. The Brownie Earthquake is a mix of brownies, Oreos, ice cream, fudge, and other little goodies, making it incredibly delicious and stodgy. The other offerings include Banana Splits, Blizzards, Sundaes, and a few others, but none of them tickle my pickle in the same fashion. Fortunately and unfortunately, we must now descend back into the depths of Queen Dairy’s hell to gain further knowledge of the other so called “food.”
Among the heap of typical fast food offerings, the fries are leading the way for being cold and tasteless. I never thought a potato could be ruined by cooking it, but Queen Dairy taught me that making such assumptions is a foolish procedure. Not wanting to feel left out, the processed cow, chopped up chicken, and whatever a hotdog is, are as equally flavourless, though somewhat warmer and more sufferable. In some pathetic attempt to fit in, Dairy Queen even offers salads, easily mistaken for pieces of green construction paper. I could go into specific detail about each menu item, but that seems entirely out of place since it all apparently sucks and is leagues below other fast food joints. The only reason to pay Queen Dairy a visit is for the stuff that’s meant to be cold; not the stuff that just is cold.
Suffering much like the food, the staff appears to have not been out of the freezer for very long. While being capable of utilizing a cash register and asking simple questions without issue, their usefulness is regularly hindered by their stupidity; likely the result of improper freezing methods and sudden exposure to hot stuff - namely me. The more intelligent superiors in this organization, often referred to as cake decorators, are capable of writing customized messages with icing on cakes. All staff members do seem to be capable of moving at a reasonable rate and waits are never any issue. After all, the food is only moderately warmed, so how could it take long?
Yet another negative aspect of Queen Dairy is her hefty price, charging an hourly rate even if you’re only there for a few minutes. Being among the conspiracy of ice cream distributors, most of the treats cost between $3-5 (CAD), and the other things that are on the menu [but are inadvisable to eat] hover around the $2-3 mark. The cakes are quite expensive, with a 10 incher costing $20. It is certainly affordable, but given that you should be paid for eating some of that food, it’s just too steep. The one advantage to these somewhat exorbitant prices is that it prevents one from overindulging in the scrumptious “Cool Treats.”
Beyond the asinine commercials and the delectable treats, Queen Dairy has got one heck of a pathetic empire. Her assets are in serious need of an update; her food needs to actually be cooked and kept warm; and her servants need a little more time to defrost. The power of the treats and the commercials is oddly enough to override the hatred and disgust I have for Queen Dairy, bringing an overall rating of 3/5 and keeping me going back every once and a while. Should you risk the adventure, you must be like a squirrel collecting his nuts, being quick and knowing exactly what you are doing before you even venture into the cold depths of a Dairy Queen. Had it not been for her domination of the cold world of fast food, Queen Dairy would have long since fallen with great velocity into the pit of despair, leaving a splatter radius of unheard-of proportions. Should things change, let's just hope it isn't her former staff members that are responsible for cleaning the pit.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
tch7
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