Mmmmm..... Pancakes
Written: Oct 25 '01 (Updated Oct 25 '01)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: The Eggs Benidict!
Cons: I'm still trying to figure out if this amorphous sluge is Eggs Benidict
The Bottom Line: Literally Speaking: They also serve pancakes although I’m not quite sure of what else they serve.
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| aaronreview's Full Review: IHOP |
Being a child of the television generation (my doctors are still trying to get that television out of my stomach and the goofy triangle out from my head, they said if I pay Jerry Farwell a large sum of money he might be able to exorcise it for me), I can remember the icon of prime time television, good old Cliff. Who can forget his wild zany adventures even though they occurred during the commercial breaks? For those of you who repress memories of bad commercials, I am referencing to IHOP’s own Cliff. Most would naturally assume that a restaurant chain that served good wholesome heart stopping food would choose a spokesperson that could eat every entry on the menu in one sitting. Cliff only ate half because he needed to save the other half at diner time of the International House of not just Pancakes.
IHOP offers a nice laid-back atmosphere granted you get seated before Cliff visits mostly because of his embitterment after his commercials were canceled
Hostess: I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We aren’t filming a commercial.
Cliff: But I’ve brought the wife and kids.
Hostess: I’m sorry sir you ate them after we cut your commercials.
Cliff: I had them with an open faced, no pun intended, steak sandwich with all the fixins’
Hostess: That’s nice sir but we have to seat the people who came here before you.
Cliff: Don’t you know who I am?
Hostess: You’re the one who has a restraining order to stay away from all IHOP’s.
Cliff pulls out a gun.
Cliff: No one says that to me! I know that you serve more then just pancakes!
Hostess and Cliff grapple. Hostess gives Cliff a shot of morphine.
Cliff: Whoa! Mickey Mouse is speaking to me in a pancake.
Customer: Will he be all right?
Hostess: Oh he’ll be fine. He does this every week.
Customer: I guess he did obsess about IHOP a little much in the commercials.
Despite what the commercials try to make us believe (and what Cliff scrawls in the asylum walls), IHOP is not much of a family restaurant. Sure families eat there but most of them try not to get caught past sundown when the true patronage of IHOP rise from their crypts. That is to say, the teenagers and college students hang out over coffee. Being a strong supporter of twenty-four hour food places, I find myself picketing outside Capitol Hill to make every eating establishments open all night. Once I discover that I am the only one picketing, I give up and go to the local IHOP.
The nightlife that frequents IHOP usually attaches to your face and implants an alien in your chest, which bursts out much later disgusting mass of bodily fluids. Most authors would make a low grade crack about the food with this tangent in the narrative, however this author is will rise above the lowest form of gross out humor as he is not that witty. The actual nightlife that frequents IHOP, always makes dining at three AM an interesting experience.
One such person was the drunken crazy man sitting at the table next to ours. This man was a Saturday Night live sketch waiting to happen. He would often make interjections into our conversation that had little to no relevance to the actual conversation. For instance, my friends and I would be rigorously involved in discussing a cost efficient plan to solve world hunger (it’s a terribly complex system that involves the last scrap of toast that no one eats, except for maybe Cliff), and he would add his comment, “I was hungry back in Nam once so I ate a sandwich.”
What makes this story interesting but not necessarily a part of a good epinion was later during the night when the man started yelling “Help!” loud enough to bring the ambient background noise of chatter to a halt. In the eerie silence that followed, brought on by the fear that this particular IHOP would about to become the playing field in a frantic war reenactment, was cut by a slight chuckle when he yelled “Not just anybody. Help!” In order to understand the events that passed I had to retrain my ears to listen to the normally filtered out music playing over the speakers. Since none of us were prepared to hear quality background music in a diner at three in the morning, the sound of the Beatles was refreshing change of pace, not to mention the relief one feels when one knows that they aren’t going to get shot during the wee dining hours. Although I’m that the particular elation is a more common experience for inner city IHOP’s in third world countries ruled by terror dictators.
Hostess: I’m sorry sir, I know your secret police could clear the table and the occupants quicker then our wait staff but you’ll have to wait because there is no more room.
Terror Dictator: I kill you!
Hostess: If you don’t sit down you’ll be asked to leave.
Cliff pats the Terror Dictator on the back.
Cliff: It’s ok man. I know how you feel.
The local IHOP scene here in Albuquerque was deprived for a while when the owner of the IHOP’s here had an undercover scheme that began with a “tax” and ended with an “evasion.” The replacement for any IHOP was (and I kid you not) “Casa De Pancakes.” I’m sure changing the name to Casa De Pancakes threw off the highly trained workers at the IRS for several years. For those of you not well versed in the Spanish language, this translates into “House of Pancakes.” Now why they didn’t just go all the way and change it to Internacional Casa De Crepes, we may never know. I for one am wagering a guess that due to the word ‘crepes’ being a little too close to the word ‘creeps’ one might mistake it for either a porn shop or a campaign headquarters for a major politician.
One of the most interesting aspects about this food chain is the great length they go to make sure the public knows that they have more then just pancakes. The menus all include lengthy descriptions of just about every item on the menu except for the actual food for their namesake. It’s like the public would get confused by the appearance of other menu items in the menu because the sign restaurant had pancakes in it’s name but then again the public also couldn’t decide in a simple presidential election. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if items that needed little introduction appeared on the menu like this:
English Muffin – A British classic brought overseas by a man named William Muffin in 1750. During the Boston Tea Party of 1773 William Muffin’s dream was almost shattered as the need for crumpets decreased.
Orange Juice – A mouth watering citrus beverage often used as setups to bad jokes about celebrity football stars in murder trails.
Fries – An American classic made from the potato root.
Eggs Benedict – We are not quit sure what it is but those kooky humor writers who always bring their laptops to IHOP seem to like it. Maybe they’ll write a humor column and finally explain what it is.
My amorphous sludge is getting cold so I will leave you by saying that not only is IHOP a great way to spend long conversations over coffee, grab food at any time of the night, and meet interesting people, they also serve pancakes. Although I’m not quite sure of what else they serve.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
aaronreview
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Member: Aaron Frale
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Reviews written: 69
Trusted by: 31 members
About Me:
A comedy writer
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