A scientific examination of a Krispy Kreme Donut
Written: Feb 08 '01 (Updated Feb 08 '01)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: tasty as all get out
Cons: more calories and fat grams than you can shake a stick at
The Bottom Line: An all-out assault on the cardiovascular system masquerading as donuts; they taste so yummy you might just have to put your cardiologist's number on the speed dial!
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| scmrak's Full Review: Krispy Kreme |
If you've been following my Epinion reviews over the past few months, you might have noticed that this displaced Yankee has an uneasy relationship with The South. Never mind that your correspondent considers Tex-Mex food (most of it, anyway) an affront to the cuisine of Mexico; ignore for the nonce his churlish belief that most of the locals' avidity for Shiner Bock beer is pure southern chauvinism; and look the other way while he bashes the denizens of Dixie in an occasional book review.
Your correspondent had his first Krispy Kreme donut this morning.
For those of you not in the know; Krispy Kreme Donuts may well be the one southern icon upon which all classes, all colors, all creeds agree. They are probably more demonstrably southern than any bouffant blonde country-western star, or even a Confederate battle flag. The mere opening of a KKD shop in far-north Austin late last year (after a decade-long absence) resulted in a monumental traffic jam. To be sure, such gridlock was to some extent a function of the size of the vehicles (mammoth Suburbans, behemoth Excursions) in the line at the drive-through, but that's a quibble. These folks sure love their Krispy Kreme Donuts!
So what's all the hoopla about? Let me relate the scientific experiment that took place during my breakfast today:
Visual: At first glance, the subject does not seem startlingly different from any run-of-the mill grocery store donut. It is round and has a hole in the middle (toroidal, or donut-shaped) and is of of the standard diameter -- approximately three inches. On closer inspection, it is perhaps slightly thinner and less massive than the norm for members of its species. In color, the observed specimen and its brethren possess a uniform golden-brown hue above, shading to a lighter, more yellow-brown on the underside. All display a slight sheen under either incandescent or fluorescent light, undoubtedly the result of recrystallization of glucose at the surface. When dissected by a sharp instrument (or one's teeth), the interior proves to be a pale, pleasant yellow-white color, displaying the mildly vesicular texture characteristic of baked goods of this genre.
Olfactory: When at rest, the subject emits a pleasant odor, understandably reminiscent of sugar, with a base note of cooking oil. There is no change in the olfactory properties during motion, however the subject produces a slightly more yeasty scent upon piercement with a sharp instrument (or one's teeth).
Tactile: The dorsal (top) surface is smooth to slightly granulated to the touch, with a mild tensile response ("springiness") to the touch. The ventral, or bottom, surface is of a lower tensile capacity, and also possesses a somewhat rougher aspect. With application of a sharp instrument (or one's teeth), the subject compresses to approximately 41% of original height. Upon reaching maximal compression, the two surface yield almost simultaneously, allowing rapid partition of the interior and eventual consumption.
Auditory: The subject displays no capability for independent generation of sound; it does, however emit a faint high-pitched tone (squeak) upon application of a sharp instrument (or one's teeth).
Taste: The subject produces a salivary response that precedes its introduction into the oral cavity. Upon encountering the taste buds, the subject produces a pleasurable response that is, on the average 32% larger than that for Safeway donuts and 14% larger than that for Dunkin' Donuts. The author surmises that the relatively large difference from other donuts is a function of the specimen's massive infusions of fat and sugar.
Conclusion: These things are good! and the reason why they're good, is 'cause they're so gol-danged unhealthy! So go ahead and try a few, but remember -- if you eat 'em every day, you'll end up needing a Suburban to cart your giant gluteus maximus around!
EDITOR'S NOTE: No animals were harmed to produce this review, however, an undisclosed number of Krispy Kreme Donuts were damaged beyond repair by the testing process, and were destroyed as humanely as possible.
Recommended:
Yes
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