My morning visit to McDonalds...
Written: Sep 04 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Predictable, you know what you'll get should you decide to tempt fate.
Cons: Fate doesn't like to be tempted.
The Bottom Line: Every so often you need to try things to remind yourself of why you don't like them.
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| turboglow's Full Review: McDonald's |
I decided that instead of writing a review comparing and contrasting McDonalds with other chain resturants I would write about my experience when I ventured into McDonalds for breakfast. Some parts are slightly embellished, but only for effect. I truly feel this is an accurate account of what happened.
As I entered what could only be termed a "restaurant" in the loosest sense of the word, I was greeted with the finest minimum wage greeting one could hope to receive in this customer service deprived germ warfare trench. "OUR COMPUTER BROKE! YOU GONNA WAIT A BIT!" This from the women behind the counter who looked strikingly like she was released from the women's correctional facility not 2 hours before. Seeing as how it sounded suspiciously like an order and the next nearest trench was 3 very painful blocks away with my broken toe, I decided to stay and "wait a bit" for my food.
I waited patiently as the line inched forward until finally it was time to take my order. As I reached the counter I was greeted with the warmest cold stare I had ever experienced, she was actually sucking the customer service from my body into her own. I was stunned. The McDonalds Corporation had actually found a way to suck customer service from other people while offering absolutely none of it's own. I found myself actually trying to please her as she took my order. I seemed to be trapped as an observer in my own body as I saw myself actually ask her if she was ready to take my order. I couldn't do anything as I was as nice as possible and even tried to make it easier on her by ordering my food with no changes even though I wasn't fond of the onions on my steak bagel. I groped frantically for a major artery or nerve center in a desperate attempt to kill myself but to no avail.
She wrote my order down in very precise and even script in what must have been McShorthand for I could not read any of it. I had ordered a Steak Bagel and Supersize Coke, but what came out on her hastily prepared order sheet was far too advanced for my mind to comprehend. She then placed her McCalculator in front of her and began her calculations. Again, calculations is used in the loosest sense of the word. Have you ever seen that Simpsons episode where Homer gains weight in order to become disabled? Remember when he tried to dial a phone number and his fingers were too fat? Well she must have seen that one too because it was bar none the best impression I have ever seen. She seemed satisfied with her calculations and looked up at me. As she opened her mouth I had a stroke. Or, at least what I think a stroke must feel like for I could not understand a single word that was coming out of her mouth. I quickly recovered when I realized she was actually a brilliant acoustic scientist who had figured out how to bounce sound waves off a customer's face and behind her to the food preparer. Again, food preparer in the loosest sense of the term.
Suddenly the order sheet and the inability to comprehend her all made sense, she was yelling and doodling in Spanish. Before I could relish in my newfound comprehension I felt my insides turn to ice as her mystical stare once again began to suck customer service out of my body and into hers. "The total is $4.58" I say looking at her calculator, "here you go" I handed her a $10 bill. The cold subsided, eye-contact broke as she took the money and opened the cash register. But something had gone horribly wrong, she wasn't moving anymore, she was just staring at the drawer full of money. I tried not to think it but it was far too late as the correct amount of change popped into my head. Without warning her head snapped up and her eyes locked onto mine, the cold returned, the soul numbing cold that sucked the life out of you had gripped my insides. She knew. She knew that I knew exactly how much change I was supposed to get back and that if I just told her she wouldn't have to figure it out on her own. "So $5.42 then right?" I heard myself say. The cold subsided once again as she counted out my change.
I moved aside and stood with my compatriots, broken and defeated we quietly stared at the floor unwilling to make eye contact with each other. We each in turn received our orders and left the restaurant only a shell of our former selves. As I sit here writing this I can only hope that the man behind me who ordered an Egg McMuffin with no cheese and an extra egg patty died a quick and painless death. Some will never come out of that McDonalds but some were never meant to go in. It is a brutal and painful experience but one that everyone must face. Those who survive are stronger for it, those who die would have only lived to procreate and pass on their weakness to the next generation. Soon the weak will all be gone and only then can we rise up and take back what is rightfully ours. Prepare yourselves, that day is close at hand.
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
turboglow
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Reviews written: 8
Trusted by: 0 members
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