I almost wanted to kick my own Ass when I realized that I had been writing lousy restaurant reviews on this site for comin’ up on 16 months, and I had totally forgotten to write about the lousy “restaurant” that I eat at more than any other: Popeye’s Chicken.

It’s Rumor Free!

When I was growing up, it seemed like lame rumors about a fried chicken franchises spread faster than scabies in a USC dorm. In 1986, you may not have heard about how Mexican workers were peeing in bottles of Corona, but I’ll bet you knew all about the woman who bit into the fried rat at KFC. You might not have known about MacDonalds’ using shredded paper as a thickener in their milkshakes, but chances are you’d gotten the 411 on Church’s putting chemicals into their chicken that made men sterile, which is why THEY [1] only opened Church’s franchises in African-American neighborhoods. Bet you even heard about all the puss-filled tumors showing up in Pioneer Chicken sandwiches.

No such rumors have ever stuck to Popeye’s Chicken’s food. And you know why? Because Popeye’s chicken doesn’t have puss-filled tumors, it doesn’t have race-specific low motility antigens, and they don’t serve rat.

Therefore, you can eat at Popeye’s, if you’re so inclined.

Grub: Tastes Just Like Chicken

I am occasionally inclined to eat at Popeye’s, but mainly because sometimes I want to eat at 10:30 at night and everything else in my neighborhood is closed and I know there’s one of those mailer coupons sitting in the pile of unopened mail on top of my refrigerator.

They carry pretty much the same stuff as the other chicken places, but with a twist! It’s Cajun!

I don’t really know what that means, because it just tastes like fried chicken to me. Maybe Cajun chickens don’t have “center-breasts” like the ones in Kentucky.

Nor do I really understand the whole theme these people were going for. I mean, when you think Louisiana, you don’t really think “bald, dyslexic, spinach-eating sailor man.” At least I don’t.

But none of that really takes away from the fact that Popeye’s Chicken makes one fine slab o’ fat-boiled fowl. They use nice, plump breasts and a decent, flavorful (mildly spiced) crispy batter. I suppose they also use decent hunks of thigh and wing and drumstick too, but I don’t eat those parts, so I can’t vouch. The breasts cost about a buck eighty nine, I think, which seems reasonable. The other parts hover just above or below a buck.

Of course, like most fast food restaurants, you can get combo meals. Like a two piece dinner. Or a three piece dinner. Or even – get this – a ten piece family dinner. Woo-hoo! And like every other fast food restaurant, the combo meals cost pretty much exactly 10 cents less than if you’d bought all the component parts separately.

I don’t know what else I could possibly say about the chickens though. They’re fine. They’re edible. They’re mostly all the time cooked all the way through. Sometimes there’s a kind of yellow gunk in there underneath the batter, which, I don’t know what it is, so I just treat it the way I do tomalley in lobster: Call it a delicacy and offer it to someone else. “Hey, I’m kinda all filled up, you want my yellow gunk?”

Side Dishes

The sides, though. There’s plenty to say about the sides.

Popeye’s serves mashed potatoes and gravy. The mashies are definitely made from boxed potato buds, just like mom used to make. So they don’t have much buttery goodness or flavor without a little bit of the gravy. The gravy has a distinct black pepper taste, and a definite giblet texture, which is nice, because you don’t want to trust just anyone with what goes into your giblet gravy. Best to leave it to the faceless multi-national conglomerate.

The fries are a different story, though. They have plenty of flavor, and presumably no giblets. When they’re cooked right, they’re crisp and golden brown and I think they actually put some batter on top of their fries before they fry them. Because, you know, just fat frying the potatoes themselves wouldn’t be sufficiently Cajuny.

Popeyes also has cole slaw, which is a disgusting food containing mayonaise. I recommend steering clear of this Cajun delicacy.

The red beans and rice taste exactly like the giblet gravy, but lumpier.

Specials

From time to time, Popeye’s rotates their special entrees on and off the menu, much the same way MacDonald’s brings on the McRib Sandwich every few years. For instance, sometimes you can get a Cajun fried popcorn shrimp basket, and other times you can get a Cajun fried popcorn crawdad basket. If you can tell me the difference in how these things taste, I’ll send you my next coupon.

They also occasionally have gumbo, which looks a lot like a more gelatinous version of the giblet gravy dumped on top of some rice.

But my favorite thing they have, only during this time of year, if the fully pre-made Cajun turkey, only $19.99. All you gotta do is take it home and heat it up. Somehow, I like the fact that some people are so inept in a kitchen that they would buy a pre-made fast-food turkey for Thanksgiving.


Biscuits

In conclusion, Popeye’s has buttery biscuits. They come free with any piece of chicken and ith most combo meals, or you can buy one for 35 cents. They’re so tasty I rarely make it home before eating mine, which always leaves me disappointed later, when I don’t have desert or anything to squirt my little packet of honey on to. So save your biscuits until you’ve eaten the main course. I think that’s the main lesson to be learned here.

Except for one other thing. I fucking hate places that make me pay for condiments. Popeye’s is always doing that to me, making me pay 20 cents for a dAmn barbeque sauce. And I can’t eat my fries or my chicken without a little something to dip ‘em into. Sometimes I get so p*ssed about it, that I tell them I want a refund on the food and just give it back to them. Unlike the folks at Taco Bell, the Popeye’s staff usually folds and gives me my condiments gratis.

In real conclusion, the service at Popeye’s is a bad as it is anywhere else. The ambiance is likely to be early school cafeteria with plastic-bag-on-the-floor accents and the dulcet tones of a drunk guy yelling at a sign. So grab to breasts and an order of fries for five bucks and take it home.


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[1] i.e. The Man.

Recommended: Yes