It's cheaper than food! (1)
Written: Aug 27 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Fairly tasty, usually clean
Cons: Not for hot sauce lovers, prices are rising fast
The Bottom Line: Wiigii! You're reading this. Now go read "It's Walky!"
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| 32_Footsteps's Full Review: Taco Bell |
Note: Continuing my trend of giving recognition to my favorite comics on the internet, this review features quotes, numbered as always, from David Willis' complimentary works, "Roomies!" and "It's Walky!" From the oddities of college life to the relative normalcy of battling aliens intent on conquering Earth, Willis' comics are a stream of odd humor with a surprisingly strong human element. Go to my profile, follow the link there, and tell them that I sent you. And greet people with a hardy "Wiigii!" (2)
As someone who reads more than his fair share of web comics, you naturally assume that I don't have time to cook myself three good squares a day. And while I do make a point of cooking a decent dinner, I find lunch to be something done quickly. I also prefer lunch to contain a healthy amount of hot sauce. So I figure, what better thing to review with quotes than Taco Bell, which has kept me alive long enough to make dinner? So I did the utter insane - I have sampled everything that the Bell produces.
First, the bread and butter, if you pardon the pun, of the chain - the tacos, both hard and soft. I've been hammering down their tacos, primarily the soft ones, since I was five, at latest. So at this point, I know all about their tacos. They taste alright, if fairly unoriginal. The meat on them is fairly heavily spiced, but this is made up for by the damp flaccid cardboard that passes for cheese and the iceberg lettuce heaped on them. Essentially, the only flavor you get on a plain taco is the meat and the shell. Given some of the nice and cheap cheeses you can put on a taco, this is a mild disappointment.
Of course, now Taco Bell is offering you your choice of chicken, steak, or what they like to call beef. Now, I have my serious reservations as to the identity of that third option. It could be cow, it could be their old chihuahua mascot, it might be monkey, it might even be Hooper. (3) But given how finely it is ground up, and how heavily seasoned it is, nobody will ever know. On the other hand, they let the steak and chicken basically stand by themselves. This is rather unfortunate, because while the taste of actual identifiable meat is nice, ordering chicken or steak actually leaves your meal taste a little bland. This is most evident with the chicken. Man, if they can breed Animal 57, why can't the owners of Taco Bell just breed #58, one that's naturally seasoned? Overall, you should get the beef if you want flavor, steak or chicken if you want to know the identity of your food.
Of course, then we progress to the burrito menu. With only the addition of the only evidence of guacamole in Taco Bell's history, the 7-layer burrito, the burrito menu is basically unchanged from the one I remember from my youth in New Jersey. While the 7-layer is a tasty addition if you're like me and enjoy guacamole, the other items are merely an extra large soft taco supreme, with varying amounts of additional materials. Moreover, they are often more difficult to add extra sauce to without causing a mess. On the other hand, pound for pound you get more out of your dollar from burritos than from tacos. Use your discretion.
Nachos, though, should be on the order for everyone at any of the chain's locations. For one, the creamier nacho cheese used for their nachos actually has more flavor to it, and it's nice to eat something that actually has a taste. More important, though, is that no matter what you get, there will be some spillage, as Taco Bell likes to make their weak shells hold as much as one can before being handed off to a customer. Odds are, eating over the wrapper, half of your taco will be on the wrapper by the end. Your nacho, though, serves as an edible spoon for your mess. Ah, better living through cheap Mexican food knock-offs.
Sadly, though, this is where we come to some of the more circumspect additions to the Bell's lineup. First, the Gordita. If anyone can remember, this is merely another attempt at the pita taco that failed fairly badly last time. Fortunately, it only costs as much as a soft taco in its newest incarnation. And admittedly, it is better for you than the flimsy white disc that you usually get. So a basic Gordita isn't so bad. The optional toppings are nice, though, and I'm personally fond of all of them. However, I think you should have the option, for just a little more, to put these toppings on any Taco Bell item. Could you imagine a 7-layer burrito with the Santa Fe sauce and a little extra lime? My intestines would pulsate in anticipation. (4)
The Chalupa, though, is a sin against all that is holy about tacos. First, the Chalupa shell is simply a fried Gordita shell. This means that it has all of the thrill of being fried, which is a fate shared only by their cinnamon twists. So while some kid in the back is marveling about how his spit floats in the vat (5), you've got a taco that may or may not faintly taste of cinnamon, which doesn't work. Not only that, but a Chalupa shell is even less structurally sound than their hard taco shells. I have yet to see anyone eat one without having to resort to eating the second half via the nacho method, above. At first, I thought the 'drop the Chalupa' campaign was an ad for them; it turns out to be a public service announcement.
One vital thing to mention is the hot sauce. Actually, it now comes in three varieties. You have mild, with no spiciness whatsoever. You do have concentrated onion and tomato juice, which is alright if you feel too cheap to actually get the supreme version which comes with real diced tomatoes. The hot and new fire sauce come with varying amounts of jalapeno juice in them. Now, some may whine that this is a bit much for them. Stop it, you guys already have the totally benign mild sauce. But for those of us with a great need to destroy our digestive tract, jalapeno extract just isn't enough. Look, Tabasco is a very marketable brand - get them to cosponsor you and get some halfway decent hot sauce in there. Or carry some habanero or scotch bonnet sauces for those of us with hair... where there should be hair. After all, those of us with taste buds are the ones who either can survive these peppers or don't deserve them.
Of course, what is most important on any fast food menu? The toys in the kid's meal, of course. And Don't give me that junk about them being for kids. If anyone wants to prove that I am mentally older than 5, you're more than welcome to try. You'll fail, but you can try. Now, at one point, Taco Bell got some of the best cartoons and whatnot for their promotions. I have toys from The Tick and Earthworm Jim that I got at Taco Bell. Those were classic and fun. What do they have now? Boring and generic "safari" toys. Guys, with all the cool stuff on Cartoon Network, you give us cheap safari toys? Heck, just imagine the Cartoon Cartoon or Toonami toys that they could do instead. But I will spare them my total wrath for having a "barrel of monkeys" toy. Anyone have a problem with that? If so, remember: "If you don't respect my monkey, you don't respect me." (6)
Also, this may just be due to good local management, but all of the Taco Bells in my area are fairly clean. They've been so fast, they've inadvertently cleaned off my drink cup when I went up to get another taco. Fortunately, they gave me a new cup, no questions asked. Of all fast food restaurants, I've feared going into a Bell bathroom the least. Which, if you think about it for a moment, is fairly amazing.
Taco Bell also has something for those of us who value kitsch. Anyone who remembers getting fast food in the days of my youth, about 15 years ago, remembers getting sporks with their meal. The odd combination of spoon and fork is incredibly odd, and sadly missing from most places now. But Taco Bell preserves this utterly goofy piece of Americana. Now, if they only would produce specialty sporks for local holidays...
While overall, though, the fast food joint is one of the better ones, it does have some glaring flaws outside of the Chalupas and the weak 'hot' sauces. For one, as mentioned above, they cannot decide on the correct amount of seasoning. The lack of fun toys hurts, but two problems stand head and shoulders above all. First, as is well documented by anyone with an iota of experience, Taco Bell furthers anyone's studies in explodology. (7) This is even worse if you put on hot sauce for flavor. Even more cruel is that this stuff seems to be time release - right when you can't go to a safe place to hide. Maybe the time release factor is why the bathrooms are clean there.
Worse, though, is the inflated prices compared to recent years. While still a fairly affordable option, Taco Bell prices have jumped seriously within the past ten years or so. In the same span, some fast food restaurants have actually dropped prices. While the little extra quality that Taco Bell provides, in the guise of real ingredients, is appreciated, I don't think the cost of ingredients, maintenance, and labor justifies a near doubling in price of most of the menu in the past 5 years or so.
Another final, minor, gripe is whenever Taco Bell pulls out the griller, you know something is about to be screwed up. The Bell staff will make sure to bake out any remaining flavor out of your food, insuring that their new "Grilled Stuft Burrito" is stuffed with the zesty taste of warm styrofoam, and also be nearly impossible to add sauce to. Nobody with any sense should buy this. It looks tasty, but it's really a clever ruse.
It's kind of sad to see Taco Bell go downhill like this. I used to count on getting edible food substitutes with some real ingredients here at reasonable prices, along with fun toys from their selection. While the food is still here, it's now accompanied by bad experiments that are too overmarketed to be taken off the menu and rising prices. I hope Taco Bell wakes up and smells the profits, because they are running the best national food chain into the ground. If they listen, I'll be a regular again. If not, well, for those of us who remember a quality Taco Bell, abject horror is allowed. (8)
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
32_Footsteps
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Rick Healey
Location: Boston, MA
Reviews written: 234
Trusted by: 278 members
About Me:
Back from E3 - tiring, but worth it.
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