If you are old enough to remember the days when MTV didn’t exist – they don’t want you. You are not their target demographic. Oxy, Clear-a-sil and Limp Bizkit can not sell you anything so you best just take your lumps and move yourself on over to the other side of the MTV dial – VH1.

I was a wee girl of 9 when MTV hit cable TV. That means I remember a time when ATARI ruled (just a joystick and a big orange button, baby) and actual television sets were actual furniture (remember the floor sets? Huge dial – no remote – had to get up and actually turn the dial “clunk-clunk-clunk” VHF and UHF?” ) If you can remember any of this, chances are you’re not even reading this – you’ve made the move to VH1 and come to terms with “Where are they Now?”.

So why the hell am I writing a review on MTV?

I blame my landlord. I don’t pay for my cable TV, it’s included in my rent. The landlord pays for the basic package, so I watch the basic package – if I do have the time. VH1 is not part of the basic package – MTV is. So, instead of aging gracefully with my peers and settling in to the deep and dark pleasures of watching aged rock stars relive their tormented past in every episode of Behind the Music, I watch the Bizkits and Korns and Mansons flash their pan making the news they can only hope one day winds up in a Behind the Music.

But, I digress.

Unsolicited confession

Yeah, I’m old enough to know better but I watch it… if only to make fun. So, I watch. I could probably name at least a couple of members from The Real World and I’ve watched enough to know Tom Green’s sidekick Glen Humplick seems like a nice enough fellow.

So now that I have that off my chest, I have but a few questions and observations to bounce off the MTV folk. And no, I will not even go into the usual “the 'M' used to stand for music" tirade for two reasons. 1. Every other review on MTV starts out that way. 2. It ain’t never gonna change. The kids want their actual Back Street and N Sync videos in smaller doses than ever (they don’t even show the entire video on TRL anymore). Heck – even the name “Total Request Live” has been shortened down to the abbreviated TRL – another indication of the average teen attention span is shrinking.

MTV not going to change – we have no control. So kick back and join me in some observations and such on the current state of MTV :

The Latest Blue Light Special on Parade: Marilyn Manson

The one thing I enjoyed most of late was watching the man soccer moms of the world deemed Satan himself, Marilyn Manson, endure just about a full hour of poster boy Carson Daly’s witless banter and corn-fed teens asking questions like “So, like um, what kind of finger nail polish do you use?”

Did you see just how uncomfortable he was? If he truly sold his soul to the devil, do you think this was part of the deal?

If Marily Manson were truly one of Satan’s minions he forgot to read the fine print of that contract.


What is up with Dave Holmes hair?

Will you guys at MTV please, please, please leave Dave Holmes alone already? You chose him to be on MTV for a reason –he was a friendly sort of guy next door who had a fairly decent background in pop music (for those of you who don’t know Dave was 2nd runner up to the moronic Jesse on MTV’s so you want to be a VJ contest).

You did not choose Dave because he is eye candy. Do not treat him as such. Leave that to that for that pre-pu bescent looking BSB reject you recently hired to read the news (his name escapes me). I honestly care as much about Dave Holmes as I care about, say, keeping my knives sharpened, but since Dave’s inception as MTV VJ you have subjected him to many god awful and trendy looks suited for the various other perky VJ’s. His hair has been highlighted, poofed, cut, angled, mussed and moussed. He looks ridiculous. His wardrobe has ranged from some sort of sparkled pant suit, to a hideous baby-blue sweater turtle neck and Sergio Valente looking jeans. Cut it out. Put the kid in a t-shirt, some Levi’s and send him off to Great Cuts, already.

Jackass – more poop than you can shake a stick at

Could anyone explain the fascination these men have with poop? And further more – what is up with their need to get it all on video tape?

Rumor has it this show started out as a bunch of pro skaters just videotaping their little stunts in hopes to make a home video. Home video didn't happen - but MTV did.

Grown men with some sometimes clever tricks to be played on the unsuspecting audience. Some of it I watch because it’s funny. Some of it I watch just because Johnny Knoxville is hot in that disheveled and dirty rocker-boy kinda way. But once they bring out the poop, I’m gone.


In sum
It’s infuriating, it’s moronic, it’s dumbed down – but hey – if you can’t beat ‘em, may as well poke some fun and make a few cents off of them, right?

Phew- glad to get that out in the open for now. If you actually read through it all – thanks for sticking with me and keep checking back for more rants on MTV if you like. I am sure I won’t be getting VH1 anytime soon.


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