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Dear Sordsman, (Reply to this comment)
by jkkelley
I found myself in agreement with most of what you had to say here. However, I am now stuck with the mental picture of the Skipper making Mr. Howell with mingled pleasure and pain.
I'll get you for this.
jk
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Mar 24 '01
11:42 am PST
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I was led here by your censorship rant... (Reply to this comment)
by jazzbocrow
All I can say is: there is no way in hell I would do the Skipper. He's probably been with enough professional ladies that he really has no idea how to please a woman(other than giving her a few bills).
I have to agree with lambira that geeks are where it's at. However, Gilligan is my geek of choice. The Professor is too technical and can't relax, whereas Gilligan is easger to please and very thoughtful. He probably spends lots of time thinking about what he would do with a girl--if he ever got the guts to act on his urges. He might need a little prompting to get started. But a little palm wine or some fine Maui wowee and he would be my man. Maybe he'd have to learn a few things, but I know he would do so willingly.
He also seems like he would have unbelievable stamina. Have you ever seen him peddle that washing machine or run across the island when his pants are on fire?
Wow, now I want to go watch TV.
Great piece. (that's your writing, not Gilligan)
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Oct 22 '00
1:57 pm PDT
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high ku? (Reply to this comment)
by lightnin
Outrageous review.
Where the hell did that come from?
Still, it makes me smile.
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Oct 08 '00
1:42 am PDT
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Re: As a MaryAnn living in a Ginger world, (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Dawn,
Hey, overall I'd say the "Maryanne vs. Ginger" debate probably settles in about 50-50. Of course, that doesn't hold water here in this comment section because the vast majority of my readers (especially SLOW) are perverted degenerates who prefer the sweet and easy promise of a Gingerly good time.
But there is no shame in being the Maryanne.
Thanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Oct 01 '00
6:45 pm PDT
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As a MaryAnn living in a Ginger world, (Reply to this comment)
by madaer
I have to say I feel a little dissed. NO, not really. This is a great review, I would HR it a hundred times if I could.
Incidentally, I was named after Dawn Wells- could that be a Freudian issue with my parents? I don't know.
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Oct 01 '00
5:59 pm PDT
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Which section of the store contains the screwdrivers? (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Alright!
All the missing comments showed up!
AFTER I posted duplicates!
I'm an idiot!
Moron-1
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Sep 30 '00
9:08 am PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Hard_To_Please
Sordid-
How very kind of you to defend my honor---if any photographic evidence should surface, I assure you that it's been digitally altered since I've been promised that the original negatives have been destroyed. And as luck would have it, all witnesses to my brief foray into bestiality have met with untimely deaths (Dead men tell no tales).
Does etiquette require me to respond to each of your two replies using slightly different wording each time?...Mark
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Sep 30 '00
7:50 am PDT
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Re: Very creative... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
I dunno, Jake.
Readers of that sort of mag might consider this work sacreligious.
Besides, I'll probably make a good $1.50 from it here! Can't beat that for fighting cavities!
Thanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Sep 30 '00
12:52 am PDT
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Re: HOE-LEE-SCHITT! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Annexation,
Thankee for the outpouring of good vibrations.
I am,
A Warped and Sordid Cliche
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Sep 30 '00
12:50 am PDT
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Re: This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Now, Miriam, you should know better than that.
Do you really think that someone who does not shy away from discussing Ginger’s mass-scrogging of all the island inhabitants or Gilligan’s probable flings with beasts that swings would be too meek to bring up the possibility of a couple naval buddies playing hide the sausage, do you?
It was merely a brainfart of epic proportion, and my shame knows to bounds.
I am going to join a monastery and eat a lot of peaches.
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:07 pm PDT
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Re: Now that you mention it (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Fair Juliette (aka shameless hussy),
You seem somehow surprised that the Professor had forearms protruding from his “always-white, always crisply-ironed turned- up shirtsleeves”. Well… what the hell did you expect? Tentacles? Perhaps some flippers? Hooves?
Of course he’s going to have forearms, you silly girl. Unless Lambira gnaws them off in deference to her disdain for women’s gymnastics. And we all know what a real and frightening possibility that is!
You are a silly, silly girl.
Silly, silly, silly.
All kinds of silly.
You ain’t nothing but silly.
But I like you anyway.
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Sep 29 '00
2:06 pm PDT
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Re: counterpoint (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Tammy,
Please don’t take me wrong here. I love you to death and would never do anything to cross you… but please, PLEASE don’t sully my wholesome comment area with such crude and lascivious speech.
As a man, I find the reference to the male sexual organ as a “dick” to be most hurtful and degrading. I’m sure the Professor would agree.
In the future, if you must mention the homme naughty bit in my comment section, please refer to it as one of the following: penile appendage, wonker, Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew, the main vein, or the superlicious monocular wondersnake.
Your compliance with this reasonable request is most appreciated.
Sordid-1
Sometimes I can be such a dick.
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Sep 29 '00
2:05 pm PDT
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Re: HR HR HR HR HR HR HR (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
AfroPuff,
Thank you for your most kind remarks. What Leah is lacking in “ego-stroking” technique, you have more than made up for!
And thank you for noticing the haikus. I was really torn about using them or not. It is hard for me to lay my poet soul out for all to see, exposing my innermost thoughts and desires. It makes me feel so vulnerable. And they don’t even rhyme! But your kind words have encouraged me and helped expidite the process of inflating my ego (and subsequently my head).
Thanks again,
Big Head Sord and the Monsters
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Sep 29 '00
2:04 pm PDT
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Re: I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Leah,
Back in my early adulthood when I was young and gullible, I actually dated a married woman for six months or so without even realizing her matrimonial state. While this caused a temporary bout of misogyny, I did recover and likewise have sworn off stroking those with a ball and chain.
Do I know you from somewhere? “most hollow and empty, superficial and shallow, non-rewarding and non-ego-enhancing, unfulfilling and self-sabatoging” It’s almost as if you have seen right through my façade and identified the very essence of my inner being. Have you been talking to my neighbors? My co-workers? My he-bitch pimp? I think if you honed this skill, you could have a very promising career ahead of you as a psycho phone friend.
What number am I thinking of? Quick, WHAT NUMBER?
<<You probably knew I was going to say that, huh?>>
I like pandas, and I am generally jovial and mirthful. Happy trudging!
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:03 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Mark,
If I had a dollar for every time I have put my neck on the line in a desperate attempt to protect you from wild allegations of porcupine sex, why, I’d have a dollar by now.
Your comment proved to be quite enlightening to me. Specifically this portion: “ anytime one is mounted by a horny male sporting, not one, but hundreds of sharp quills, squealing is inevitable.”
After reading that, I thought to myself, “HEY! Self! Now I finally know how I am going to dress up for Halloween this year!”
I will gladly keep handing out the free psycho therapy, if you will continue to dole out these nifty holiday tips!
Still porquine after all these years,
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:02 pm PDT
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Re: I'm not sure which is funnier... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Workin’ mom,
You are right, some of the premier humorists of this sight have popped their demented little heads into the comment section this go-around.
Regarding your query as to Mark’s seemingly extensive knowledge of the intricacies of porcupine sex… he elaborated on this shortly after you asked. Now it would seem odd that someone would just “happen” upon this knowledge <wink, wink>, but apparently he has had lots of time to ponder this scenario and has utilized deductive reasoning (and deductive reasoning ONLY!) to come to this conclusion.
Considering the logistical difficulties in learning this information first-hand, I think we have no choice but to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
2:01 pm PDT
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Re: Like a Volvo owner with a bad attitude, (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Bad boys, bad boys… whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when nathsmom comes for you?
Well, Fiona, I don’t see how you could possibly resist me. I don’t see how ANY woman could resist me. Just look at my profile picture. JUST LOOK AT THE PICTURE! ME WITH MY JAUNTY HAT AND STYLISH COIF! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!
Whoops, getting carried away there.
What can I say, Fiona? I’m a rebel. I’m a bad man. Been that way for years. It’s not just image, I am the real deal. Even back in my early teen years, my devious ways were showing through. I used to sneak down the stairs, open up the fridge, grab one of Dad’s beers… and drink half of it!
Why just today, I have 1) turned left on red 2) tore a tag off a mattress & 3) urinated outdoors. I’m a bad, bad man, Fiona. You’d best just steer clear of the likes of me.
Sordid-1</i>
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Sep 29 '00
1:59 pm PDT
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Very creative... (Reply to this comment)
by jdanishevsky
absolutely genious piece of work. Should have been published in the magazine of some sort about those older TV citcoms.
Great that is all i can say. Very entertaining. Jake.
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Sep 29 '00
12:46 pm PDT
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HOE-LEE-SCHITT! (Reply to this comment)
by annexation
Words can't describe the awe I'm feeling right now.
Loved the haikus, man. Dead-on accurate!
a face that could sink a thousand ships
And loved the way you took all those cliches and warped them with sordidness.
HR to the max!!
-Mark
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Sep 29 '00
12:26 pm PDT
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Re: Thanks a lot. (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
All my special "little buddies"...
I had answered each and every message on this board from you fine, upstanding human beings... but they were somehow consumed and devoured by the gaping maw of epinions.
I'll try to do a dramatic reenactment of those replies later, so don't anyone go feeling ignored or anything.
Sordid-1
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Sep 29 '00
10:11 am PDT
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Re: This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Now Miriam, if I have the audacity to claim that Ginger scrogged the entire manifest of the Minnow and infer that Gilligan does icchy things with simians, do you really think that I would be too shy to give passing mention to a couple of naval buddies playing hide the salami?
I think not! Its exclusion was just a mammoth brainfart on my part, and my shame knows no bounds.
I have been accused of many things, Miriam... but having excessive couth is not one of them!
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
9:07 pm PDT
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Re: Now that you mention it (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Sweet Juliette,
You seem somehow surprised that it was forearms protruding from the Professor's always-white, always crisply-ironed turned-up shirtsleeves.
What the hell did you expect? Tentacles? Maybe hooves? Of course it was going to be forearms! Well... unless Lambira gnawed them off in deference to her unholy rancor towards women's gymnastics.
You are a silly girl.
Silly, silly, silly.
But I like you anyway.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
9:00 pm PDT
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Re: counterpoint (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Tammy,
Please don't take this wrong, I love you to death and don't want to put you off in any way, shape, or form... but please, PLEASE do not come into my comments section and bandy about such crude, lewd, and socially unacceptable terms.
As a male, I find the term "dick" derogatory and demeaning. I'm sure the Professor would agree.
If, in the future, you need to speak about the male sexual organ in my comments section, please choose a more proper and befitting term from the following list: penile appendage, crotch rocket, wonker, Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew, happyboy, or superlicious one-eyed worm of wonder.
In the name of decorum, please comply with this humble request. Your cooperation is much appreciated.
Sordid-1
I can be such a dick sometimes.
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Sep 28 '00
8:47 pm PDT
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Re: HR HR HR HR HR HR HR (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Afropuff,
Thanks much for all those kind comments, while Leah was remiss in the art of "ego-stroking", you have it fully mastered!
And thank you for noticing the haikus. I was a little leery about writing them... laying my poet soul out there bare and vulnerable for all to see, sharing my innermost thoughts and shameful secrets. And they didn't even rhyme!
Regards,
Big Head Sord and the Monsters</i>
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Sep 28 '00
8:38 pm PDT
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Re: I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Leah,
Many years ago when I was young and gullible, I actually dated a married woman for several months without even realizing her matrimonial state. I don't think I have fallen prey to such chicanery since.
More to the point - most hollow and empty, superficial and shallow, non-rewarding and non-ego-enhancing, unfulfilling and self-sabatoging - do I know you from somewhere? Have you been talking to my co-workers and neighbors? Do you have a spycam set up in my house?
It is eerie when a stranger sees right through your facade and adeptly identifies the very essence of your being.
You, fine Leah, have all the makings of a top-notch psychic phone friend.
What number am I thinking about? QUICK, WHAT NUMBER???
<<You probably knew I was gonna say that, huh?>>
Your stoked but non-stroked pal,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
8:25 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
HTP,
We believe you about that whole porcupine non-incident. The logistics of such an endeavor are mind-boggling.
You have proven to be an inspiration to me... anytime one is mounted by a horny male sporting, not one, but hundreds of sharp quills, squealing is inevitable!
I finally know how I'm going to dress up for Halloween this year! Thanks, Mark! I'll keep giving away free psycho therapy if you keep doling out these fabulous holiday tips!
Hirohito eats boogers,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
8:08 pm PDT
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Re: I'm not sure which is funnier... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Workin' Mom,
You're right... there have been some rip-roarin' funny people poppin' their demented little heads into my comment section this go-around.
Thankee for the kind comments.
As you follow the thread, you will see that Mark answered your query regarding the inordinate amount of knowledge he possesses in the area of porcupine sex.
As you will see, he has spent his spare time pondering this problem, and is merely theorizing on the likely reactions based upon his powers of deduction wink, wink. He claims to have had no... close encounters, and since noone has any photographic evidence to counter this claim, I say that we give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
8:01 pm PDT
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Re: Like a Volvo owner with a bad attitude, (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Bad boys, bad boys... whatcha gonna do?
Whatcha gonna do when nathsmom comes for you?
Hey, you got me pegged. I'm bad, baby. Bad to the bone. Been that way for years. From the time when I was a young teen and I used to sneak down the stairs, open up the fridge, grab one of Dad's beers, and drink half of it... to this very day.
Today alone I 1) made a left turn on red 2) tore the tag off a mattress & 3) urinated outdoors. That's just the kind of guy I am.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
7:54 pm PDT
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Re: Thanks a lot. (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Lambira,
I apologize for aiding in the production of your unwanted emissions. My aim is simply to prompt laughter of a magnitude capable of forcing the reader to shoot 1) snot bubbles or 2) milk out of his/her respective nose(s).
Involuntary excretion of any non-snot bodily fluids is beyond the scope of my intentions, though I certainly consider this a bonus.
Odd that you brought up WKRP in Cincinnati. In the days of our youth in a parallel universe at the very moment you were admiring Andy Travis' fine, feathered hair and tight Levis, I was taking note of Loni Anderson's ample, yet oddly-shaped, breasts.
Now I don't want any conversation taking off on a tangent from here. If anyone had a special fetish for Les Nesman or Mother Carlson, by all means, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!
Thanks for the visit Lambira. You are the wind beneath my wings.
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
6:16 pm PDT
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Re: Your writ leaves me both aghast and humored... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Webguy,
The FCC is just fine with what I'm doing, however I did receive a warning citation from the Ministry of Truth. And I was specifically instructed by Big Brother himself to abstain from any Bacchian references, thus I glossed right over the infamous "Orgy Episode".
THanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
6:03 pm PDT
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Re: What the world must be like... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Elvisdo,
You are welcome into my overly active mind anytime. But the thing is, you can leave anytime you want. I am trapped in it.
It's a fun place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.
danke for the comment,
Sordid-1
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Sep 28 '00
5:58 pm PDT
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Re: This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by miridunn
"Even as you lift up my name in praise, your gracious gesture is counter-acted by my most grievious omission of the "Skipper-Little Buddy" factor."...
I thought you were just being shy!
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Sep 28 '00
9:12 am PDT
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Now that you mention it (Reply to this comment)
by juliette
the professor always did look pretty good to me. Something about those lean, tanned forearms coming out of his always-white, always crisply-ironed turned- up shirtsleeves... Yes, and that big ol' clunky geek-watch he always wore... oh my. I think I'll go have a cigarette now.
julie
(just another shameless hussy hanging out in sordid's chat-room, er, comment section.)
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Sep 28 '00
6:33 am PDT
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counterpoint (Reply to this comment)
by st3on1ey1baby
"...his personality and preponderance towards bookwormishness did not make him a player in the eyes of the ladies."
Oh, but in one of those bad movies where they all get off the island - all the ladies wanted the Professor's dick.
Tammy
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Sep 27 '00
10:11 pm PDT
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HR HR HR HR HR HR HR (Reply to this comment)
by afropuff
Just for this, I'm putting you on my WOT . . . tout suite!
The haikus were a magnificent touch.
'Scuse me while I recover from laughing like a hyena with emphysema . . .
'puff
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Sep 27 '00
7:06 pm PDT
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Re: I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Leah
Oh he who is most Sordid-
Deepest sorrows for my insensitive oversight in not stroking you first, foremost, and hardest.
You see, I thought you were a married man, with a newborn offspring.
I swore off stroking the betrothed man two decades ago (almost...who tracks stuff like that, huh?)
I found it to be a most hollow and empty, superficial and shallow, non-rewarding and non-ego-enhancing, unfulfilling and self-sabatoging, non-self-actualizing pattern I had to "surrender to my Higher Self".
I now spend my online time stroking gay men and those with Panda fetishes.
One Day At A Time I trudge my own personal, yet oft' hellish, road to Happy Destiny.
"Best"
Live and Let Live Leah
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Sep 27 '00
6:08 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Hard_To_Please
Porquine-1 -
I greatly appreciate your sub-tuhl way of letting me know that even the Sordid-1 has occasionally appeared semi-literate! As far as Amy's comment, I do not have first-hand knowledge of squealing during porcupine sex, but I think we can assume that anytime one is mounted by a horny male sporting, not one, but hundreds of sharp quills, squealing is inevitable!...Mark
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Sep 27 '00
5:47 pm PDT
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I'm not sure which is funnier... (Reply to this comment)
by WorkingMomof2
I loved the review, but now I'm rolling at the comments. For the record, how does Mark (HTP) know what a porcupine sounds like when it squeals during sex, anyway? One has to wonder.
Anyway - back to the point - and I did have one - great review. Very enlightening, and I'm almost positive I'll never be able to watch old Gilligan and the gang again the same way. Must admit I would have paired Gilligan and Skipper. Also agree with Lambira about the Professor's hidden sexiness. It's the quiet ones who surprise you <wink, wink, says she married to a quiet engineer>
:) Keep 'em coming,
Amy
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Sep 27 '00
1:38 pm PDT
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Like a Volvo owner with a bad attitude, (Reply to this comment)
by nathsmom
you're driving me to distraction. Really Sordid-1, with the whole dangerous criminal thing and all this Gilligan's Island sexy talk, you're starting to look really good to me. Big ol' wink
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Sep 27 '00
11:07 am PDT
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Thanks a lot. (Reply to this comment)
by Lambira
Your review made me laugh so hard that it exacerbated my recent bladder control problem. However, I disagree with you on a few minor points:
1. The Professor's sex appeal. Every woman knows that geeks make the best potential lovers; they are eminently trainable, having no sexual bad habits to break. They are usually good with their hands. And since they are typically virgins, they're utterly grateful to the woman who finally gives it up to them, and once they get a taste of booty they want some mo'.
2. Maryanne's virginity. I have several friends that grew up in small towns and states like Kansas. As teenagers, they found that they had a very limited array of activities to choose from. Therefore, leisure time was primarily spent drinking, fornicating, and engaging in acts of petty vandalism such as egging houses. I have no doubt that Maryanne's chaste exterior belied the fact that she is a dirty, dirty whore.
Either way, you are a disturbing man. When can we expect a diatribe on the sexual politics of WKRP In Cincinnati? Andy Travis prompted some of my early sexual longings, fine feathered hair and all.
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Sep 27 '00
5:52 am PDT
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Your writ leaves me both aghast and humored... (Reply to this comment)
by webguy
and as I ponder this fine, bacchian tribute to the subtext of a classic sitcom, I cannot decide whether it deserves an HR or a censure from the FCC. I'll my dilemma after a brief commercial break.
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Sep 27 '00
2:10 am PDT
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What the world must be like... (Reply to this comment)
by elvisdo
if we viewed it through your eyes all the time. One thing for sure, creative thinking will never be a problem. Thanks for bringing us into that overly active mind of yours.
Of course I still can't decide over that age old question about Mary Ann or Ginger. Do I want sugar or spice?
Outstanding review. In fact, it's almost inspirational.
Charles
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Sep 26 '00
11:48 pm PDT
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Re: I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Leah,
No, of course I don't mind if you flirt with SLOW in my comment section. That's what it's here for, right? Some sort of fragmented, discombobulated Love Connection with bold font and italicized text, right?
Just some perverted forum for lovesick (yet literate) deviants to flaunt their saucy wares in brazen attempts to consummate their inner-most fantasies. That's what my comment section is all about, right? RIGHT?
JUST FLIRT AWAY, LEAH. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME A BIT. I'M NOT SEETHING WITH JEALOUSY, THAT IS A MERE FIG NEWTON OF YOUR IMAGINATION. FLIRT, FLIRT, FLIRT. DO IT WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND A TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE. SEE, SEE? I'M PERFECTLY FINE WITH IT.
You tawdry ne'er-do-wells are dragging my pure, wholesome comment section right into the depths of depravity.
And I'll not stand for it.
Sordid-1
Hey, Leah. When you're done stroking SLOW's whatchamacallit, ya think you can stroke my ego a bit? That will make it all better.
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Sep 26 '00
11:41 pm PDT
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Re: I certainly hope that you will continue (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Cindi,
If you give me a hamburger now, I will gladly pay you back next Tuesday.
Sordid-1
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Sep 26 '00
11:25 pm PDT
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Re: hmm (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Nathsmom,
I am rock-solid positive that every island visitor was "treated" to a special initiation process from our good friend, the Skipper.
And that includes the Harlem Globetrotters.
Sordid-1
Thank you for having the good taste and decorum to refrain from discussing your WOT here. I don't want my clean, wholesome comment section dragged into the gutter by the likes of you, little missy!
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Sep 26 '00
11:14 pm PDT
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Re: I don't know what to say... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
KC,
No need to worry about distancing yourself from the Howells. When I mentally place you on the island, I envision you as a more-literate Maryanne (despite your name).
And please don't be insulted that I am trying to sub-tuh-lee associate you with a "Kansan". I know that would be a personal affront to anyone from the fine, fine state of Texas. I may be a pseudo-pig, but am not yet porcine enough to consciously do that.
Thanks for the read, rate, 'n comment.
Sordid-1
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Sep 26 '00
11:09 pm PDT
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Re: Ginger or MaryAnne? (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
SLOW,
There is nothing SLOW about your wit. That is, without doubt, the most creative and strangely appropriate use of "coltish flanks" I have ever seen in all my years.
I must say that this message thread has taken a most disturbing turn, though. Now my mind is inundated with annoying images of Gilligan's coltish flanks being rode hard and put away wet by that portly Skipper in all his porcine glory.
It makes me long for those innocent days when the sub-tuhl overtones of Skipper/Little Buddy pairings somehow eluded me.
<shudder>
On the bright side, gutter-slut Ginger is a nice distraction.
Thanks for stopping by. Sometimes I think we should trade names.
Sordid (but not as sordid as SLOW) - 1
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Sep 26 '00
10:59 pm PDT
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Re: Hilarious! But I think (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Juliette,
I resent Kansas.
Every time I have driven through there I have taken the Kansas Turnpike (a pay thoroughfare).
It irks me that those darn Kansans think their state is so high-and-mighty that I should have to pay money for the privilege of driving on it and viewing their porcine sights.
Kansas is the Thurston Howell of states. It is too busy wallowing in all its turnpike earnings to even think of anything sexual.
It's sub-tuhl, yet pervasive, greed really chaps my hide.
Thanks for your comment. Kansas sucks.
Sordid-1
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Sep 26 '00
10:42 pm PDT
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Re: You're sure to get a smile... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Sweeper,
Thanks for the kind words, but I would never dare to appear on Survivor island.
Wasn't the winner the guy who bounced around the island naked showcasing his billowing rolls of porcine flesh?
I couldn't compete with that.
Sordid-1
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Sep 26 '00
10:36 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Mark,
Not your fault. The English language is a strange and unforgiving beast. If there was any justice in this world, that word would be spelled "porkine" which would make it much more readily comprehensible.
If it makes you feel any better, I was well into adulthood before I stopped pronouncing "subtle" as "sub-tuhl".
It's sort of hard to look like anything other than a semi-literate moron when you go around saying things like, "That movie had sub-tuhl undercurrents of rebellion."
Porquine-1
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Sep 26 '00
10:33 pm PDT
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I want a man with a SLOW hand... (Reply to this comment)
by Leah
Sorry Sordid One,
Do you mind if I flirt with SLOW here in your thread? His comment was almost as funny as the review.
And for the record, I agree with howell: that Priggish Prof. was very, very steamy sexy in a removed, distanced, cold, braniac, disinterested, unavailable man kinda way. (oh - sorry. There's that Daddy sh*t again! "My father's daughter" and all that.)
Now - did you watch the Jerry Mahoney hour/show? Can you explain to me why as a young girl of 7 I got turned on in my "naughty parts region" whenever Paul Mitchell would pretend to have a head cold and talk thru his clogged nose?
Perhaps some things are better left to the Mystery, hmm?
Big into the sublime, a moron on the obvious...
Leah
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Sep 26 '00
5:34 pm PDT
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I certainly hope that you will continue (Reply to this comment)
by cmuir
on with more reviews just like this. You are going to leave me hanging here just like with your travel reviews.
I still think you need to try the Stephen King approach here. Do you take Pay Pal??
Cindi
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Sep 26 '00
4:35 pm PDT
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hmm (Reply to this comment)
by nathsmom
Hey, you know when astronauts or KGB agents or whoever would stop by the island...do you think the skipper did them, too?
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Sep 26 '00
3:11 pm PDT
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I don't know what to say... (Reply to this comment)
by kchowell
This is sick, twisted, and very, very funny.
I think that you may be underestimating The Professor, though. I suspect that there's more smoldering beneath his brainy exterior than you give him credit for.
Once again, your words have me rolling on the floor!
Howell
Uhhhh...no relation.
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Sep 26 '00
2:46 pm PDT
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Ginger or MaryAnne? (Reply to this comment)
by SLOW
Definitely Ginger. Even ignoring my penchant and predisposition towards redheads, there was something remarkable about her even when I was seven years old.
I mean, does an erection at that age even COUNT?
Sadly, pop culture misled me, and the belief that the Wholesome Chix Are Best was foisted upon me like so much pre-kitten-food raw salmon entrails. It took me until near the end of puberty to figure out that "Wholesome" meant "Tease" and there really isn't anything good about a tease. Nothing useful to 17-year-olds, at any rate.
GutterSluts are, by far, much more intriguing, erotic, and, dammit, interesting. Who the heck wants to hear about baking muffins after you've bumped nasties? What guy wants to EVER hear about baking anything, except as a precursor to getting in the sack? "Really? Baking soda is key? Wow- that's just so fascinating..."
Anyway, I disagree with your assessment of Gilligan's sex life, too. Why do you think the Skipper hired the boyish wannabe seagoer? For his maritime skills? His nautical expertise?
Heck no, ya darned sidewinder. He liked Gilligan's coltish flanks, and the way he bellowed "SKIP-PER" when penetrated. Yup- his own "Little Buddy."
So at least Gilligan had that going for him. So to speak.
Nice job, anyway. You freak.
-SLOW
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Sep 26 '00
8:25 am PDT
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Hilarious! But I think (Reply to this comment)
by juliette
you are all wrong about "the Kansas factor." Why do you think no one in Kansas ever gets boinky with it? Have you ever been to Kansas? There really isn't much else to do there...
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Sep 26 '00
8:21 am PDT
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You're sure to get a smile... (Reply to this comment)
by sweeper
With seven stranded castaways, here on Gilligan's isle.
And with this amazing review.
Sordid,
You'd be the last one I'd vote off the island.
Dave
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Sep 26 '00
8:15 am PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Hard_To_Please
Dr. Sordid asked Did you make up the word "porquine"?
Well, Dr., it seems I owe you not only for the therapy, but for spelling lessons as well. Had I taken the time to reference Websters', I would have realized that the word is actually porcine; meaning 'piggish' or 'hoggish'!!
I apologize to those that were mislead by my misspelling into believing that I squeal like a porcupine during sex! ...Mark
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Sep 26 '00
3:43 am PDT
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Re: As a stranger... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Mr. Tipu,
Well well well... I guess the shoe is on the other foot now. The hunter has become the hunted. What goes around, comes around. <<help me out... I'm running out of cliches here>>
I will have to ask Mrs. Sordid if your assessments are on-base. She may ask you to lower the skill rating as lower back problems impeded full mastery of the infamous Lake Titicaca position.
In my own defense, I resent any implications that my selections in the Women of Piggott Mail Order Bride catalogue were anything other than top-notch. They were all clean and many still had their own hair.
If you were that displeased with your order, please contact my customer service department rather than publicly degrading my service. A partial refund may be in order.
Furthermore, I concede that you may not have selected the most advantageous time to place your order. Some Californian with an Italian-sounding name had just completed a massive purchase. Thus, my stock was largely depleted. I apologize if your selection was not to your liking.
Sordid-1
Owner/Operator: Piggott Mail Order Bride Service
We accept cash, checks, credit cards, or food stamps.
Trade-ins allowed.
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Sep 25 '00
11:33 pm PDT
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Re: Excellent analysis! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Teresa,
Thank you.
If I can prompt you to only view "Gilligan's Island" from the standpoint of a deviant, my work here is done.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
11:12 pm PDT
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Re: this libidinous jigsaw puzzle (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Mr. Kosberg,
No sir, Erik. The butler gets it. Oh yes, the butler definitely gets it.
Thanks for the callout from the land of Ventura,
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:59 pm PDT
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Re: Loved it! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Hey everyone! Check it out! A military officer/English lit grad student is soliciting my help for her doctoral dissertation!
Thank you, murasaki! I have just capitalized on your good name to lent myself instant credibility. They will no longer be viewing me as a perverted hack... they will now see me as an EDUCATED perverted hack!
:)
Thanks for stopping by and commenting,
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:56 pm PDT
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Re: This reminds me... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Rorajoey,
Thank you for your additional background information. I could not delve into the Ginger phenomenon as deeply as I would have liked to simply due to space constraints.
In order to fully explore the various aspects of Ginger's sexuality, I would have needed at least 10,000 words, thus I could only give a capsule summary.
That being said, it should be readily apparent that Ginger was, in fact, the island dominatrix. She had her soft side as well, but she liked control and discipline.
This explains the underlying motivations in rorajoey's story.
THanks for the comment.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:50 pm PDT
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Re: You're missing the obvious... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Greatest Dane of All,
If only I had possessed the foresight to foresee that a career in journalism had the potential to take me to exotic locales such as Driggs, Idaho, my career path could have careened from underappreciated bean-counter to jet-setting star chaser.
Man, hindsight. It'll do ya in every time.
Such a revelation straight from the horse's mouth cannot be set aside. I must make amends if my credibility is to stand at all. I will make this right.
While I cannot justify my glaring faux pas, I will say that I was thrown off by the fact that they slept in separate hammocks. This was obviously just a transparent ploy to mask the true nature of their relationship.
I apologize to my loyal readers and I thank you, Dainon, as well as pantagruel, for bringing this issue to light.
Blind Sordid Chitlin
Fascinating Dawn Welles story... and I appreciate a journalist who does not shy away from the hard questions! <although I'm sure if you drilled her mercilessly enough she would have confirmed my Maryanne-Ginger suspicions!>
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Sep 25 '00
10:41 pm PDT
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Re: This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Miriam,
Life is one great see-saw. Even as you lift up my name in praise, your gracious gesture is counter-acted by my most grievious omission of the "Skipper-Little Buddy" factor.
I thank you for your very kind words. But I do so a humbled man.
THanks!
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:27 pm PDT
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Re: You're missing the obvious... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Pantagruel,
I don't know what to say. You have exposed me for the sham that I am.
I cannot properly justify my omission, other than to say that sometimes when one spends too much time in the sublime, the obvious becomes invisible.
This is still no excuse.
I thank you most profusely and assure you corrective action is underway.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:23 pm PDT
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Re: At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
HTP,
I am so very very glad to be of service in your quest for self-actualization.
Gilligan Therapy is a valuable, yet oft-overlooked, tool by the psychiatric community. If only it's full therapeutic potential could be harnessed, the world would be rid of all repressed anger, obsessive-compulsive disfunctions, psychosis, and Oedipal complexes. Global warming would be reduced, as well.
I am quite pleased with your progress and therefore will refrain from mentioning the "underaged chimp" incident to the ASPCA.
Actually, that falls under the domain of "doctor-client" privilege anyway, so that is a moot point.
Wishing you well on your road to recovery.
Dr. Sordid
Did you make up the word "porquine"?
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Sep 25 '00
10:18 pm PDT
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Re: Too funny (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Dani257,
Not sure how helpful this is???
If this doesn't convince every single reader to watch this show, I don't know what will! Oh wait... I forgot, the sum total of the entirety of the rest of the world is not perverts.
I retract my assertion regarding this review's usefullness as a promotional tool.
Thanks for the comment.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:06 pm PDT
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Re: I'd punch you... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Grouch,
Well, good thing I have my running shoes on. I shan't wait around to receive the punch in my mouth when your laughter subsides.
"somewhere between porn and David Foster Wallace" - I must say, that's one of the nicest compliments I've been tendered. Thank you.
As far as "Hogan's Heroes" is concerned, all I can say is Col. Klink's secretary was ONE BUSY LADY! (Trivia for you: Off-screen, that actress was Bob Crane's wife.)
Thanks for stopping by,
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
10:02 pm PDT
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Re: Interesting Perspective! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Kate,
Thank you for the kind words.
But I don't think we'll ever really run out of things to say about "Gilligan's Island". It is the fuel that keeps the great thinkers of our time from floundering.
Sordid-1
Free market economies rock!!!
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Sep 25 '00
9:54 pm PDT
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Re: My Blowup-Doll Looks JUST Like Ginger! (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Rendy Winth,
I concur.
Gilligan is one of those characters that just makes you wish there was a button on the remote that could transmit an electrical shock through the television set directly into Bob Denver's cranium. *BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!*
Of course, in my household, it would be hard to even hear any of the dialogue because it would sound like an amplified bug zapper. *BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!! BZZZT!*
Just one poisoned coconut cream pie from Maryanne *BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!* or one well-placed harpoon stroke from the Skipper *BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!* and the source of the islanders trouble would have been eliminated, rescue would be imminent, and Ginger could be back on the casting couch where she belonged.
Man, if I just had that special remote, I could have enjoyed this program so much more. *BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!**BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!**BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!**BZZZZZT!! BZZZZZZT!!!*
Is that smoke coming out of Gilligan's ears?
Thanks for stopping by, my funky civil libertine brother.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
9:52 pm PDT
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Re: ~ (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Emperor San,
I am very honored by your comment.
To think that out of ALL the multitude of sexual analyses of "Gilligan's Island" you have ever read you find mine to be the most insightful... I am touched.
I still like it when you make your farewell statement "I Eat Boogers",
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
9:41 pm PDT
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Re: Speaking of Political Correctness, I can't stand Ted Turner (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Kordahl,
I don't know about the Okie from Crenokie (that's Merle Haggard isn't it?), but I'll openly admit that Ted Turner rates highly on the Revolt-O-Meter. And that doesn't even take his Commie wife into consideration.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
9:38 pm PDT
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Re: LOL (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
itsjan,
While you as well laugh at me, you also promise me large sums of money, so I will overlook the unwarranted mirth.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
9:35 pm PDT
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Re: Thank-you (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
swanbeauty,
You, as well, mock me with your laughter?
See if I ever try to write a serious study again.
Sordid-1
Okay, quick capsule summary:
Jeannie, Major Nelson, Major Healey: menage a trois
Dr. Bellows: not out of the closet yet
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Sep 25 '00
9:34 pm PDT
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Re: You need therapy. (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
achoo,
Gesundheit.
Chuckling? Chuckling???
I write an educational treatise on the sexual proclivities of the greatest cultural icons of our time, and all you can do is laugh at me???
Mock me if you will, history will prove this is a matter of import.
Show more respect next time.
Sordid-1
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Sep 25 '00
9:28 pm PDT
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As a stranger... (Reply to this comment)
by tipu
... in a strangey land, all I can say is that it's (probably) a pity I missed this in my formative years, and (probably) another snub by destiny that he missed out on a taste of Ginger's spice that seems to have been so copiously doled out to the American males of a generation ago.
Feh!
SEXINESS: 7
While no printemps poulet himself, it cannot be doubted that sordid-1 did indeed convey a dusky musky sort of sensuality that left those of the opposite sex bewildered and often unconsciously play with their hair and purse their lips to make sure the lipstick was still sticking to the lips.
EXPERIENCE: 8.3
While we must not overlook the fact that he was officially responsible for at least two sordlings, it is a known fact that the women in his Women of Piggott Mail Order Brides venture were not all... shall we say... fresh material.
ADVENTUROUSNESS: 10++
He invented the word.
Then he came again... and reinvented it.
SKILL: 7.9
What he didn't have in technique he made up for by intense, studious, and copious practice. Always eager to explore, he has mastered positions as eclectic as the Zen Master and Lake Titicaca.
LIKELY PAIRINGS
With his unerring sense of charm, a healthy respect of sandals, and equipped with appropriate photos of the women of his mail order bridal company to satisfy any unwilling partner(s) of his conquests, he was able to pair with any he chose. This led to a regrettable incident when he mistook a Holstein cow for Coco Chanel.
Sordid-1 can be found continuing his exploits online at some product opinion site called Epinions. THANK YOU, KEN S.! ...t-þoo
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Sep 25 '00
7:46 pm PDT
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this libidinous jigsaw puzzle (Reply to this comment)
by erik_kosberg
I can’t wait for your analysis of The Prisoner (please, go easy on the butler) and McHale’s Navy.
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Sep 25 '00
2:54 pm PDT
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Loved it! (Reply to this comment)
by murasaki
...Are you free anytime in the next couple of years to write a doctoral dissertation for me?
Great review!
--murasaki
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Sep 25 '00
2:11 pm PDT
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Re: You're missing the obvious... (Reply to this comment)
by Gr8dane
I must agree with pantagruel, who got to my point before I was able to make it.
I have a bit of the inside edge on this one, my dear man. In May of '99, I drove my little car all the way to Driggs, Idaho to visit with none other than Ms. (yes, still a Ms.) Dawn Welles, otherwise known as Mary Ann. You see, she runs a summertime acting camp from there these days and I, in my overzealousness as a new hire, was determined to "get the story." I must say that I was a little put off - excited? - when she motioned that I come in while she was still in her bathrobe (she'd had some phone troubles and was still in the process of getting ready). In another day and age, it would have truly brought me some joy and happiness (even more if she was donning a bikini or other tight outfit). At her present age, however, it just confused me into temporary speechlessness.
In the few hours I was able to spend with her, and after a tour through her digs, seeing amazing artifacts such as her limited edition Gilligan's Island pinball machine, I approached her with the age-old queries: Was the wholesome act just an act, had she in fact "got it on" with somebody on the island and, if yes, who was it with? She replied, simply, "I don't think Mary Ann's been kissed yet." She then said she had received even more questions as of late about the Little Buddy and His Skipper. A reference is all that is needed in this situation. Skipper was the dominating one and it was all Gilligan could do to comply or taste of one leather whip each evening as well. Little buddy, indeed.
Alas, I have no photo to prove my visit with Mary Ann, but I do have an Official autographed Gilligan's Island Cookbook prominently on display on my home's coffee table.
That said, yours is a grand review that brings to light what some of us have always supposed and what others have never thought of in all our wildest, chocolate-doughnuts-at-midnight, nightmares. You're a sick man, Sordid-1, and we're all the better - or worse - for it.
Congratulations on receiving the longest comment I think I've ever written in my Epinions history.
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Sep 25 '00
7:32 am PDT
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This is rich! (Reply to this comment)
by miridunn
Your effort has paid off--one of the funniest, and smartest pieces of comedy yet! Dare I say,
"the social and psychological ramifications of this great masterpiece stand yet today and shall throughout the ages."
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Sep 25 '00
4:49 am PDT
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You're missing the obvious... (Reply to this comment)
by Pantagruel
If the Skipper would do it with anything that moved, wouldn't his most frequent conquest be Gilligan? Why else did the Skipper call him his "little buddy?"
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Sep 24 '00
8:15 pm PDT
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At Least You Don't Charge $50 an Hour! (Reply to this comment)
by Hard_To_Please
Sordid-
Your indepth analysis of this 'crowning achievement of artistic vision' inspired me to perform a self-analysis to determine which islander I had the most in common with when it comes to matters of sexuality.
I made the painful discovery that I share traits with each castaway. Since most psychoanalyis involves sharing your pain with others, I must now use your comment section to initiate my healing process.
Like the Professor, I would be willing to engage in abnormal practices if it would further the cause of science. Gilligan and I share the tendency to become innovative in the sack only as a result of a freakish accident (and I swear the monkey told me it was 18!) The Skipper would take solace in the knowledge that I have also lowered the moral standards of most cities I've visited.
If you've seen my picture, you already realize that Thurston isn't the only one with an oddly shaped head adorned with strange-looking features. Squealing like a stuck pig is not the sole domain of Lovie, but at least I try to muffle my porquine cries with a pillow. Maryanne and I both know that it's sometimes best to pass on an easy opportunity to flex our sexual muscle. And let's just say that Ginger isn't the only one to experience the intense sensuality of swinging naked from a clothesline with a banana (and other various fruit!)
Words cannot express how much you have advanced my process of self-actualization and for that I am forever grateful!...Mark
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Sep 24 '00
3:34 pm PDT
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Too funny (Reply to this comment)
by Dani257
I'll have to think about how to rate it. Not sure how helpful it is, but I give it a thumbs up for humor.
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Sep 24 '00
12:47 pm PDT
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I'd punch you... (Reply to this comment)
by Grouch
...if I wasn't laughing so hard.
I still think Maryanne triumphs. Ginger be damned!
All in all, you bring sordidness to a new level--somewhere between porn and David Foster Wallace. My jungle hat is off to you! Bravo, dear sir!!
(I can't wait to see what you'll do with "Hogan's Heroes")
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Sep 24 '00
10:47 am PDT
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Interesting Perspective! (Reply to this comment)
by KateTPZ
And I thought there was nothing more that could be said about Gilligan's Island! Great job - entertaining reading!
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Sep 24 '00
7:53 am PDT
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My Blowup-Doll Looks JUST Like Ginger! (Reply to this comment)
by 29th_Candidate
I've got to give you an arm, er, uh, hand on this one for:
1) Not making the mistake of lumping Ginger into a grouping with Maryanne. As a mere toddler, Ginger taught me that "Woody" was more than just that silly, snickering bird making Buzz Buzzard's life a living Hell on the other network, but that there was another pecker in town. Thank you Tina; in whatever local mall your cutting ribbons... .
2) Characterizing Gilligan in terms of his incredible ineptness, rather than his BRILLIANT(?), slapsticky brand of humor and wit... I can't tell you how many portable TVs I've gone through slapping the crap out of Gilligan... for keeping Ginger on the island and out of my awaiting arms-- just when I was certain THIS was the rerun that they would go metro again... .
3) Many other items, but I refuse to let myself, bully myself into joining you with my own dissertation on this theme (maybe next time... .)
AND NOW FOR MY Commentary Limerick (Bowing to the boos, deftly dodging a rotten tomato...)
On Sordid's review about "Gilligan:"
My brain cells you started to kill again.
And though always a fan
Of the fine Maryann;
It was Ginger that gave me a thrill again.
Great, Funny Job, Ken!
Best--
29th
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Sep 24 '00
5:01 am PDT
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Speaking of Political Correctness, I can't stand Ted Turner (Reply to this comment)
by kordahl
Theres two. ONe, Merle Haggard, two can't stand Ted Turner. -Clay
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Sep 24 '00
12:23 am PDT
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LOL (Reply to this comment)
by itsjan
You have quite an imagination..not to mention..a way with words! You are wasting your time here on epinions..you could be earning large sums of money writing very funny books!!!! I give you an A+!!
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Sep 23 '00
11:35 pm PDT
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Thank-you (Reply to this comment)
by swanbeauty
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, Sordid-1, for the laughs! How about one on I Dream of Jeannie?
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Sep 23 '00
11:33 pm PDT
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You need therapy. (Reply to this comment)
by achoo
Bad. That being said, this had me chuckling. Um, I have no clue how to rate it, so I won't.
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Sep 23 '00
11:25 pm PDT
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