Pot, Porn, Prostitutes, and Possible Decapitation in Amsterdam's Red Light District
Written: Feb 01 '02 (Updated Mar 07 '03)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Beer and pot-fueled party atmosphere, sex for sale, and limitless people-watching
Cons: See Pros, and add drug pushers, seediness, and sensory overload
The Bottom Line: Sip beer, spark a doobie, admire (or buy) women in Red-Lighted windows, or just take in the spectacle. If none of this sounds fun, avoid this destination and my review.
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| scenery's Full Review: Red-Light District |
Nine months have passed since my last trip to Europe and I am feeling that travel itch again. In lieu of a proper scratching, I'll give myself (and you) this review. I guess I could tell you about my adventures in France or Switzerland, but I'm feeling just a bit naughty today, so only Amsterdam's Red Light District will do.
So, you saw my title, clicked it, and arrived on this page.(you pervert) I suppose you want to know about my night in the infamous Red Light District, right? Ok, I'll get started, but first let me warn you, mild descriptions of drugs, prostitution and porn are ahead. Another note; if you are not interested in my long personal account, please seek another review.
Feel free to use this handy break between paragraphs to bite into your hash brownie, (if you have one available) OR to click your browser's back button if you don't like where this is going. Danke.
A Night In the Red Light District
My travel companion (henceforth, "Mr.Scenery") and I began our evening with dinner just a few blocks outside of the Red Light District. After scarfing down two fat fajitas and guzzling a strong pitcher of margaritas (YES, we ate Mexican in Amsterdam, and YES it was quite good) we decided to stop in to a cyber bar* to check our email.(we must be geeks) To our delight, this place not only was stocked with computers, but with top shelf liquor, an extensive beer menu, and yet an even more extensive marijuana and hashish list. Some of the special offerings were "Black Widow, White Widow, Blueberry, and Citria." Mr. Scenery listened attentively while the curvy, catsuit- clad bartender offered her personal recommendations . I will respect Mr. Scenery's wishes, and won't tell you exactly what he ordered, but "Ms. Bartenderess" highly recommended the Citria for its "smooth, mellow buzz." (FYI, the use of computers was complimentary with a purchase)
A Throng of Bongs
After satisfying our cyber and substance desires, we felt sufficiently prepared to head into the center of the action. On our way, walking some crowded, narrow side streets, we encountered various "head shops" selling every imaginable and unimaginable type of smoking device. Big bongs, little bongs, everywhere a bong-bong. (sorry) Spaceship, alien, animal and vegetable-shaped, there seemed to be paraphernalia designed for every taste. (or lack thereof) There were even Red Light District-themed pipes and bongs...porno bongs, phallus bongs, people engaged in lewd act-shaped bongs. I could not help but wonder if there are avid collectors of these things, you know, how some people collect beanie babies, barbie dolls, and pez dispensers.
As we walked, we also spotted various "smoking coffee shops." Many are easily recognizable by psychedelic signs, heavy use of blacklights, and the ubiquitous spaceship and alien decorations. Names of bands are also popular names for these shops. Places called "The Doors" and "The Bob Marley" seemed to cater to weed-seeking American tourists in brightly colored tie-dyed t-shirts. There were also low key, respectable looking brick walled restaurants and bars that looked very much like our home town's cozy drinking establishments.
Adding to the whole experience, the smoky aroma of marijuana wafts freely and thickly through these streets, mingling with the occasional cloud of spices from Indonesian restaurants. The stench of urine, I'm told, is sometimes the top note of the fragrance blend. Luckily, on this cold night, pot and spices clearly overpowered the pee.
Sex Toys 'R Us
Among the coffee shops and bars, we began to see the famed red-lighted windows. At first they were scattered, just a flash of scarlet light here and there between increasingly crowded porn shops. While we are on the topic of the area's shopping, the array of porn and fetish items was just as astounding as the bong selection. Whips, chains, leather, swings, "toys", painful-looking lingerie, videos, you name it you can find it, often without even entering the store. Like the prostitutes, the merchandise is displayed to its best advantage in large street-level windows. Mr. Scenery and I had a good time jokingly nudging each other, whispering things like, "Oh, look honey! Gold- studded purple vinyl assless pants!... Just the souvenir to bring home for Aunt Gertrude." (no offense intended to those who take their fetish wear seriously or any elderly aunts)
Also, I would like to add that even if you are a person who normally wouldn't dare venture into a triple x shop, you may just find yourself perfectly comfortable doing so here. All kinds of people from all walks of life were perusing these places, even someone who looked remarkably like the before mentioned Aunt Gertrude.(Besides, you are in Amsterdam so who's gonna see you?)
The Main Drag
Here is where the scattered flashes of red blurred into a steady ruby glow. Hundreds of windows were everywhere we looked. I know Mr. Scenery was trying to play it cool and act unimpressed by the whole spectacle, but the Aunt Gertrude Jokes and goofy laughter suddenly stopped. It is a vastly different experience seeing a living breathing woman in purple assless pants in a window, than a mannequin; especially when she is bending over about two feet in front of you, peeking over her shoulder and trying to make eye contact. Somehow it isn't quite as funny when the pants aren't being sold to the woman, the pants are helping to sell the woman.
Though each person was different, each window had the same basic set-up. I would say the windows were about three feet wide and four to seven feet tall. The rooms beyond were small, containing a bed, a sink, and sometimes a chair or sofa. Bars of neon light stretch across the tops of the windows, casting that surreal, skin- flattering light. A long white curtain conceals or reveals if the woman is available or "busy."
These ladies of the night came in all sizes, shapes, and ethnicities. Some were stunning, like the Naomi Campbell lookalike in leopard skin we saw in a window near the Banana Bar.(a place where waitresses perform tricks with fruit) Others were plain and school girlish looking, wearing simple white lingerie. We saw another who weighed at least three hundred pounds wearing a teeny bikini as she laughed, danced ,and jiggled vigorously- attracting a crowd to line up at her window.
As if this weren't enough sensory overload, there was the crowd to contend with. The streets were packed with a mix of gawking tourists, drunken revelers, real customers, drug dealers, junkies, police officers, and some multli- lingual circus ringmaster types trying to lure us into live sex shows.
I found myself grabbing onto Mr. Scenery's arm a bit tighter as we were bombarded with drug dealers. One came right up and shouted "EX-TEE-CEE, for the LAY-DEE!" in Mr. Scenery's face and whipped out a bag of white pills. "No, Thanks!" we said and moved along. Next, a dred-locked man approched me, and matter of factly stated, "I have vi-AHHH-gra for your all night f***ing." That was a no thanks, too, but he followed for a minute, asking "You don't want to do it all night?..." and then trying a few other languages-just to make sure.
Mr. Scenery pulled me along, and we entered the Bulldog Palace. (Bulldog is a chain of smoking coffee shops found throughout the city) We were led down to the basement seating area where we rested, recharged and met some fellow tourists.
The Part about "Possible Decapitation"
We decided to exit the Bulldog's basement through an open door at the top of a narrow, back alley stairway. He ascended the stairs first and I was about six steps behind. Mr. Scenery slammed his head with great force into the top of the low door frame, causing him to fall backwards a few steps and to grab the handrail to catch himself. The violent head-bang looked very painful and made quite a noise, but Mr. Scenery turned to me, insisted he was fine and this time ducked to exit with his head attached.
I followed and saw what he saw as he climbed to his head bashing. Four stilleto'd feet, Four long fish- netted legs, two corseted waists, the curve of four full breasts... and "BAM!" this was his point of impact in full view of the two seductresses in the window directly across the alley. They began laughing and pointing at poor Mr. Scenery (along with me )and waved me over to their door. One of them said, (In flawless English) "Tell him that's the best one we've seen all year!" Mr. Scenery was mortified, and we went back to our hotel, to ice his forehead.
Final Recommendation
If you are a traveler who wants to sneak a peek at the wilder side of life, go. You just might enjoy yourself. If anything here offended or disgusted you, I hope I have convinced you to avoid the Red Light District at all costs.
Scenery, shut up already and give us the Practical Information
If after reading all of this, you still want to go:
1. Buy a good map. Amsterdam is not a city you just "figure out," even if you have a good sense of direction. It's a maze, I tell you! (And if I had mentioned all of the Dutch Street names described above, it would be kind of like suffering through an endless listing of mysterious shampoo ingredients )
2. Visit the Prostitution Information Center Here you can learn all about the business, learn sex-trade etiquette, and even get your photograph taken in a Red Lighted Window.(Wouldn't that make an interesting Christmas or Valentines Day Card?)
3.Don't take any pictures in the Red Light District or some scary man will chase you down the street with a stick and demand your film. (this is what a tour guide told me)**
4.If you want a more low-key Red Light experience,go in the daytime and/or avoid the weekends. (the night I described was a Saturday, on a Monday evening the crowds were much tamer)A daytime visit will also allow you to fully appreciate the beauty of the old canal houses, and the sun will shine some reality on the women in the windows.
5.Hold on to your wallet The Red Light District is a pickpocket's dream.
6.If you can swing it , splurge and stay in a nice hotel like the Golden Tulip Barbizon Palace . A five minute walk from the red lights; it's comfortable, convenient, expensive and worth it. (review forthcoming)
7. Don't lose your head- Use it. Do not buy street drugs, avoid buying "space cakes" as there is no way to gage their strength, and last but not least, BEWARE OF LOW DOOR FRAMES and uneven cobblestone streets. It's very easy to hurt yourself with all of the distractions.
*I'm trying to dig through my things to find the business card from the cyber bar. When and if I do, I will update with the name.
**I risked bodily harm by snapping one photo in the District at night. It's a little blurry, but if you would like to see it, there is a link on my profile page. I'll try to get a better shot next time...
Update-I'm moving my Amsterdam photos to a new site, so the link is currently out of order. Please check back. (3/2/03)
Recommended:
Yes
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scenery
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Reviews written: 25
Trusted by: 65 members
About Me:
Wading through potty reviews...
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