You can get to the Red Light District from any part of Amsterdam by taking the tram. The closest stop is Damrak (trams 4, 9, 16, 24, and 25 will do the trick). While you're on Damrak, make it a point to stop in the Sex Museum (Damrak 18) or you can go to The Erotic Museum in the district itself (OZ. Achterburgwal 54), but I've never been inside of that one. The Sex Museum had everything you could imagine. There were Asian dinnerware sets with crude displays of coupling. There were wall tapestries, paintings, sculptures, books, literature, cartoons, every medium of art you could fathom and all dedicated to sex. Some may argue that it's pornography in a museum's setting. I say it's titillating. Stimulating! I mean... err... yeah. Their hours are 11 a.m. until 1 a.m. and until 2 a.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. It's absolutely worth a stop. Some of it is very tasteful. There was Greek pottery that looked like it had a neat design, a repeat pattern covering it. Upon closer scrutiny one notices that this pattern is in fact a depiction of an orgy. Ha! I convulsed with laughter when I figured it out.

Continuing down into the red light district there is a transformation. The less...desirable--and probably least expensive--...prostitutes are on the outskirts, the regions with less traffic. I had the misfortune to see one bending over and yanking her garter-pinched stocking up over her gelatinous thigh. Her buttocks were hideously glaring out the window at me and it had so many cellulite dimples that it more closely resembled a golf ball. Now, I'm not the queen of fitness and I should not be lewdly bending over in a window for all the world to see, but the difference is: I'm not! So after I screamed, ran away, and quelled my gagging, I made my descent into the heart of things.

Here is where things become more interesting. A fun store to stop into is called ABC Video Sex Shop. It is reputed to have the biggest video collection in Europe (and we know what the videos concentrate on). If you're an American traveler, do bear in mind that the videos may not necessarily be compatible with your VCR. BUT! There are other "souvenirs" you may peruse and purchase and...ahem!...USE. They have a clothing collection that includes lingerie, leather, and rubber clothing. There is also an assortment of "devices" and plastic things that bear a striking resemblance to the male appendage--some with rounded spikes, some that require batteries for maximum enjoyment, some that make you think you've spent too much time in the "coffee shops" and are seeing double, and still others that have straps. The sign outside boasted "private cabins." I don't know what "private cabins" entail, but I think it may have to do with viewing the videos? Feel free to leave a comment if you know the answer.

I somehow missed the Tattoo Museum. :( And the worst thing is that I hear it's closed at the moment. There are talks of them moving to Philadelphia and there are other talks of them simply lending their collection to other museums, a traveling show, if you will.

There is a "theater," called Casa Rosso. Their website calls the performances: "continuous live performances in which class and creativity embrace each other with love." Hmmm. Speaking of the Dutch, have you ever heard that Van Halen song, "Aint Talkin' 'Bout Love?" Exactly. It's basically live pornos.

At any rate, when I passed by Casa Rosso, there was a man outside, ringing a bell and shouting, trying to round up some business. He handed me a flyer and shouted to me, "This is an integral part of Dutch culture, young lady! It's not to be missed!" Just beyond his shoulder was an immense penis fountain. I jest not! There are two candle pin bowling balls at the base of it that swirl around in the rushing water. The tip gushes water mightily into the air! It's utterly enchanting. When I make my first million here, I'm going to buy one for my enormous bathroom and when nobody's home I'll sit in the jacuzzi and gaze adoringly at its majesty. But I digress. If it interests you, Casa Rosso is located on Oz. Achterburwal 106, 108. You can't miss it; the sign has a woman's legs spread provocatively above it. My then boyfriend desperately wanted me to go to a show with him, but I declined. I'm actually sorry now, but here's to the future! I'm sure I'd have some great stories for you, but I don't.

The other thing to do is to see the district for its own sake. The women are pretty with nice bodies (generally speaking) and they pose in the windows and flirt with passers-by (with the men, that is). If you pass a window without a woman in it, chances are you can glance in and see a closed curtain encasing her bed, or the shades themselves will be drawn. The windows vary in size, and sometimes you can see them from head to toe beyond the glass, as if mannequins in a store window. They wear very little, everything from neon bikinis to frilly, lacy bodices and garters. I can't offer you advice on how much they charge in Guilders, Dollars, or Euros as I have no experience in that capacity. Sorry!

I did see on TV once that there is a brothel just outside of town that caters to the handicapped (physically disadvantaged). They have swings, hammocks, and a variety of props to make the experience more comfortable, more lively, and simply more possible. I'm sure if this interests you then you can find information at their equivalent of the Chamber of Commerce. ;)

An important thing to remember is: DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH THE PROSTITUTES!!! I know the temptation is there, but I've read horror stories of tourists who left Amsterdam cameraless after it was smashed and tossed into a canal by an angry pimp/manager/whatever. There are pictures of them adorning post cards in most gift shops. Shell out a few cents and go home intact with all your belongings. It's not worth the risk. Plus, from a more humanistic standpoint, do remember that these ladies are loved by people who are hurt by what they do. They are people's sisters, daughters, wives, mistresses, girlfriends, friends, cousins, and grand daughters. Try to keep that in mind when you want a Kodak moment.

Also keep tabs on your belongings. There tends to be a seedy element drawn to this neighborhood (duh!) and looking like a tourist and like you've got your guard down will make you more vulnerable. If you're a guy, put the wallet in your front pocket and zip your coat around it or try to keep it out of harm's way. Ladies? Put your purse over your head and your arm through your strap and keep it in front of you. Keep your cameras and camera equipment in your tightest of clutches! Don't be paranoid and hung up on it. I mean, you're here to have fun, right? But it won't be fun if you lose all your credit cards, will it? And try to keep your passport in a safety deposit box if available in your hotel. Losing that could REALLY suck.

If you're a lady, then don't go there alone (more so after dark). If there's a man on your trip, then make him go with you (even if he whines and says you're cramping his style there). There were men leering at me, maybe looking for a freebie, or maybe mistaking me for one of the local employees on the basis that they were drunk and I'm female. Later at night there are more drunks and drunks tend to make bad decisions. There are also college guys who have partied too much and are getting sorely aroused by the eye candy in the windows and they're getting low on funds. I did not feel safe there at night. Maybe it was an off night? I don't know. But do exercise caution.

My boyfriend caught and interfered with a drunk who rubbed his palm across his sticky nose and tried to wipe it on my back, so watch out for that, too. (I'm not even kidding.) The other odd thing that happened, was we turned a corner and saw a narrow street/alley teeming with police officers and a HUGE police dog snapping, snarling, and lunging at everybody. I have no idea what was going on. I don't know if it was drug related, or if they caught on to the prostitution after all this time. ;)

I found a cool website that may interest you. I may use it if I go back. It's http://www.amsterdamexcursions.com. They feature "off the beaten path tours." For example, there is Tea with the Transvestites, Theo's tulip tour (a homeless tour guide takes you around and shows you the tulips and "proves they are edible"), and then there are Homes O' Holland where a local guy takes you around to his friend's houses.

I think that's my two cents. Thanks for reading, and this one is dedicated to Shocka because of his scary, morphing goat face.


Recommended: Yes

Best Suited For: Friends
Best Time to Travel Here: Mar - May