"The Rules: How To Become A Canadian"
Written: Dec 02 '00
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Simple voting technique, longer life expectancy, lower crime rate
Cons: You'll all be forced to watch CBC programmes from now on-and we're all really, really sorry
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| hadassahchana's Full Review: Canada |
It's finally happened. All of us polite, passive Canadians have become so tired of having all the really good TV shows preempted for yet one more round of appeals from Nearly President Bush/Gore that we've snapped. We've taken matters, as well as arms, into our own hands, waited in line for hours at any one of several border crossings between the US and Canada, and entered, ostensibly for a fun day of shopping, but actually in order to take over your formerly great country which has been reduced to a nation of whiners. You see, although we really didn't care who became the next president of your country, we miss our regularly scheduled programming, and we're taking it back.
In order to help you all make the tough transition from "Oh, Say Can You See?" to "O, Canada", I present to you a list of guidelines drawn up by the Interim Council for Unification, or ICU for short. For additional rules and regulations, please see submissions to the Great Assimilation Write-Off, sponsored by elvisdo. Other members writing for Team Canada include :
elvisdo, nathsmom, purrkitty, YYvonne </i> Please scrutinize their submissions closely. There will be a test.
Ok, if you'd also like to see what the (former) Yanques came up with, please also read:
AinsleyJo, Alkaiser, beckish, Bijou, cheekylass, Ginaav, JBDuckling, kay67, ladydagney1, levda,
pambo, piglet2061, prfstars, PurpleHaze31, repulsemonkey, Sordid-1, tlimjoco, 29th_candidate However, I wouldn't expect too much from these folks - after all, they're bound to be a pretty dispirited lot by now, what with their country being taken over and all. Be gentle with them.
As you probably know, Canada is a complex and vast country, and nearly everything is governed by different laws here. This includes grammar and spelling. For some reason, we haven't forgotten how to spell, and now we're going to teach you. We'll start with one of the easier rules:
Rule #1:Learn To Spell
You must begin to add a 'U' to certain words. 'U' is a fine letter, a necessary letter, one of my personal favourites. As many Americans don't realize the value of a good 'U', a training video is being filmed for your instruction. It will feature Smokey Robinson, singing his famous,"I Don't Like U, But I Love U," accompanied by the same large 'U' who appeared with him on 'Sesame Street'.I have personally volunteered to help the Epinions staff with the transition, by removing that annoying "We have found some possible spelling errors" message whenever I spell 'favourite' properly. As there well may be 'U' shortages in the near future,we Canadians intend to fly to Hawaii and stay for most of the months of December and January, collecting extra 'U's. You'll soon realize that we Canadians are a noble, self-sacrificing lot. Our motto: We'd Do Anything For U.
Now that we've gotten at least a start on spelling, grammar, inevitably, must be next.
Rule #2:Learn To Speak Properly
The word "y'all" must go. We don't say that, and soon, neither will you.(Note: Northerners may replace "y'all" with the word,"knowhadimean?")Instead, we are going, once and for all, to make the word "eh" the definitive, culture- identifying word. However, just as non-Southerners who try to use "y'all" invariably do it incorrectly, thereby annoying those nearby, Americans who try to use "eh' just because they used to come to Canada to take advantage of our lower drinking age nearly always make themselves look like, well, Ugly Americans. So, for the one and only time, here is the Golden Rule of Eh: It goes at the end of a sentence, when you are asking something that you already know. Simple, eh?
Rule #3: Learn Where You Live
Now, after you learn how to speak properly, there is every likelihood that you'll want to tour The Motherland, see a few of the sights that Upper Canada is famous for. Not so fast: before you leave your homes in Lower Canada, learn where everything is. I can safely guess that all of the Transition Team has been approached by an American tourist, and been asked how to get to a city much too far away to drive to. Example: Recently, I was shopping in downtown Windsor, when I was approached by two middle-aged ladies, and they asked where to turn to get to Montreal. I enquired politely if they were vacationing for several days. "Oh, no," they smiled. "We were visiting the Casino here, and decided to go and look around Montreal before we go home. Although, we thought that we might stay overnight." Although it was nearly impossible to resist giving them directions to the 401, I instead explained that Montreal was a two-day drive from here, which caused them to give up their idea for a quick side-trip. However, Canadians will no longer be willing to do this. So, you may wish to learn something of your own geography, first. I have told people from Michigan that I am originally from Oregon, only to have them stare blankly. When I then proceed to explain that in order to find Oregon, you must go to California and turn right, the light suddenly dawns.So, in order to find you way in the world, you must first learn to find where you live on a map.
Rule #4: Learn To Tell Time
Many of you already possess this skill to some degree, but as evidenced by the most recent election, some of you unfortunately do not. Now, we must insist that you add yet another time zone to your telephone books and TV Guides. In Newfoundland, everything starts 1/2 hour earlier. TV programmes start 1/2 hour earlier, the sun sets 1/2 hour earlier, roosters begin crowing before sunrise 1/2 hour earlier, people are born 1/2 hour earlier- and it's probably not a good place to go to retire, if you get my drift. Yes, this is silly, no, there is no good geographical reason, it's just the way things are done. there. We don't understand the Newfies either, but we're fond of them anyway. Get used to it.
Rule #5: Learn How To Vote
I know, this is going to be the tough one, but for heaven's sake, please pay attention. In Canada, we don't vote for Prime Minister, we vote for our local Member of Parliament. We have much more contact with our MPs than you ever did with your Senators and Representatives. Last week, just before the election, I read something in the paper which really bothered me. I immediately called up Herb Gray's office to speak with a volunteer. I said what I needed to, we had a cordial little chat, and that was it -or so I thought. Now, Mr. Gray, in addition to being my MP, is also deputy Prime Minister. Not five minutes later, Mr. Gray called me back to discuss what I'd read in the paper. We chatted, he explained the issue(it turned out to be a typo), and we parted company. No form letters from him,but instead a quick phone call.
On election day, we head to the polls, ID cards in hand. We are presented with a ballot, which is a square piece of paper with (in my case) five names and political party affiliations next to the names. On the other side of the name (heads up, here's the tough part!) is a large circle. Along with our ballots, we're given pencils, and instructed to make a large X inside the circle. There is a large sign posted in each booth, with step-by-step directions on how to make an X inside a circle, and just in case this proves too tough, a volunteer will be happy to show anyone how exactly this must be done, by using a blank ballot. No possibility of a mistake, nothing to dimple. An X. I think that you should all sit down tonight, draw at least 50 circles on a piece of paper, and practice making an X inside the circle. Practice until you can do it correctly the first time you try.
I realize that all of this will be confusing, and that all of us will have to deal with a fair amount of frustration in the days to come. However, we Northerners are noted for our calm and rational approach to life, and we also have great beer up here, which will no longer be subjected to import duty when being shipped to Lower Canada. So, sit back, enjoy, and just try to learn how to pronounce 'Jean Chretien' without choking. He's your new Prime Minister.
Recommended:
Yes
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hadassahchana
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Location: "...The True North, Strong And Free..."
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