O Canada! Conquerers: The
Written: Dec 02 '00
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Product Rating:
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Pros: More colourful money
Cons: We'll lock up all the cons, don't worry
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| YYvonne's Full Review: Canada |
This is the Great Assimilation Writeoff. Our host, Elvisdo has invited us to participate in this creative endeavour. The rules were simple:
For the Americans
You are the President of the United States (no recount is needed) and you have just conquered Canada. Now your only problem is assimilating these wacky Canucks to the Truth, Justice and American way. What cheesy Americana cultural changes would you have to mandate in order to brainwash these people from The Great White North?
For the Canadians
You are the Prime Minister of Canada (forget the recount, just give us the money) and you have taken over the US of A. The infusion of the True North, Strong and Free will be tough so what Canuck changes are needed in order to confuse the Yanks from the South?
I am Canadian. I could sell beer but I am the prime ministress, Yerhighness (and no I don't inhale).... Yerhighness YYvonne. I lead this great white hunk of snow and granite, this wealth of trees, minerals, water, oil and this mass of unparallelled intellect, collectively known as Canadians. This morning, we trashed our tin pot navy and our beleaguered submarines and our dilapidated helicopters, and sent in our peacekeepers, and we were victorious in our mission of mercy. We have rescued the great American mass, those suffering silently, south of the 49th parallel. We will bring them great gifts and save their sorry lives, and make them Classy Canucks.
I say to my legion of Canadian citizens, this is what we are about to do.......
1. Claim our Sister, The States as our 11th province, henceforward known as the You Ess of Eh! A Canadian name for the newest member of our great nation, now free of fear from continental divide!
2. Upgrade their beer. We will improve its flavours with the freshness of our great northern waters and make its alcohol content unsuitable for wusses. We'll make it like ours, stuff for worthy of lumberjacks, race car drivers, backyard barbecuers, and the toughest of tough - women birthin' babies.
3. We will issue tuques - our fuzzy warm hats that resemble tea cosies. We will issue each new Canadian citizen, each resident of the You Ess of Eh a tuque to keep their ears warm should they ever wanna come home to the nation's capitol, yeah Ottawa, for the holidays.
4. Every school cafeteria will serve backbacon and grilled cheese on Tuesdays. Wednesday's the boys will be lining up for beaver tails. Boy are they in for a surprise!
5. We will colour their drab money and pretty up the coins that jingle in their pockets. Gone are the plain flat green bills which no one can tell one from the other. Older members of the You Ess of Eh will delight! No longer will they strain their tired eyes trying to tell a buck from 20. We will give them two coloured coins that resemble the peso but are worth so, so much more. YES! We will share our Canadian currency with the You Ess of Eh in all its brilliant colours, and our buck will finally match THEIRS I promise you my people.
Cheers rise up for Yerhighness YYvonne, and the gracious lady smiles and waves.
6. We bring free health care, for one and for all.
7. We bring fresh water, great untouched resources, masses of protective environment.
8. We will teach French so that we all have more to complain about, and can collectively vote NON! when asked if we want Quebec to stay! (Just kidding! Je t'aime les Quebecois!)
9. Early Thanksgiving. Why wait til November anyway? The You Ess of Eh deserves fresher turkeys.
10. We will fix the wacky spelling. Canada's for everyone and it's for U. Hence: Colour, flavour, labour. It's all about U.
11. Finally, since there are now 11 provinces, we will enact this 11th thing. In this our 11th hour, we pledge to cradle California. For California rocks, but it also tremors. For every Californian, in particular the boyfriend of Yerhighness YYvonne, we give complete and total safety above the 49th where nothing shakes unless in orgasm, or because of winter chill. We leave the choice of reason for the vibration to those best suited to choose, the Quakers and the Shakers.
These are our decrees upon our happy assimilation of those south of the 49th. Oh God is it the 45th? I be Yerhighness YYvonne but I never did well at geography. In case we skipped over a few million people, let me thank that great Canadian, Scarlett O'Hara. Cause we'll scoop them up tomorrow, cause tomorrow is ANOTHER DAY, EH?
Cheers rise up for Yerhighness YYvonne, and the gracious lady smiles and waves. And she curtsies, cause that's the way it is as leader of the south, in the Glorious You Ess of Eh.
Let me thank my host Elvisdo, whose writing I greatly admire, for this chance to participate, in the great assimilation write off. Sorrry I was a tad late. I invite you to read my opponents:
For the Americans:
AinsleyJo, Alkaiser, beckish, Bijou, cheekylass, Ginaav, JBDuckling, ladydagney1, levda, pambo, piglet2061, prfstars, repulsemonkey, Sordid-1, tlimjoco, 29th_candidate (who is he anyway LOL) PurpleHaze31
But really read and HR and my confreres and amigos, mes amis, qu'illles adore..(does my French suck or what?).
The Great Cold but Hot Canadians:
elvisdo, hadassahchana, nathsmom, purrkitty, and me.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
YYvonne
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Member: Bonnie
Reviews written: 97
Trusted by: 71 members
About Me:
If it's not going to matter in 10 years, why sweat it?
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