“O Kanata”: The Great Assimilation WO
Written: Dec 02 '00 (Updated Dec 03 '00)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: it's my country
Cons: eh? what cons?
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| elvisdo's Full Review: Canada |
We are gathered here today to partake in this marriage between Canada and the United States of America called The Great Assimilation Write-Off. And just like a “real” marriage, there is always a dominant person in such a union. Fine, so it's really not a marriage but an invasion.
So who wants to rule the world? Okay, will you settle for a country then? In light of the recent US Presidential Election and the Canadian Federal Election, I thought it would be fun to see what ideas we could come up with if we were running the country.... with a twist, of course.
Welcome to Canada vs. USA
The rules are quite simple:
For the Americans
You are the President of the United States (no recount is needed) and you have just conquered Canada. Now your only problem is assimilating these wacky Canucks to the Truth, Justice and American way. What cheesy Americana cultural changes would you have to mandate in order to brainwash these people from The Great White North?
For the Canadians
You are the Prime Minister of Canada (forget the recount, just give us the money) and you have taken over the US of A. The infusion of the True North, Strong and Free will be tough so what Canuck changes are needed in order to infuse the Yanks from the South?
Let us begin:
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It’s not easy running a country. As leader of the Land of the Maple Leaf, it is my duty to set an example to those who have elected me into office. I, Prime Minister Jean Putin (hehe.. that was a joke)... I mean Prime Minister Eli Visdo, will do the best job that is within my power to lead my people to a prosperous and fruitful future, especially now that the good folks of the former United States of America have joined our swelled ranks. That is right, you have heard me correctly.... the former United States of America.
You see, in the midst of the most recent US Presidential Election, this nation had been fighting over their next leader of the Free World. Little did they know that we have been planning this outcome for quite some time (thank you Florida and a little minx named Dannyzmom). In the confusion, the US of A left themselves vulnerable to a Canadian takeover, one that they never saw coming at all.
We Canadians are a peaceful nation, never resorting to military tactics and strong-armed forces. Instead we planted our seeds for this takeover many years ago waiting for the right time to strike. Little did the Americans know that we have been controlling them all this time. Our takeover is similar to when the Europeans first encountered the Natives. The “white man” inflicted their ways onto the Natives by introducing an aggressive way of living by pillaging their resources, raping their lands and inflicting them to the many diseases. But the Natives got their revenge, in such a subtle way... they introduced the Europeans to tobacco. The rest is history. Like our Native ancestors, we have subtly infiltrated our way into America. As a result, the Americans never knew what hit them. Now it’s time to assimilate these people into our culture and way of living. Before it's all over, you will be saying “eh”, eh?
“Oh, Say Can You See...”
... all those Canadians that have secretly influenced your way of thinking. I am talking about all our Canadian performers. For many, many years we have been training fellow Canadians in the ways of the performing arts and have been quietly shipping them off to the good, ol’ US of A. They have been our elite crack commando, adept in the ways of the subterfuge.
Michael J. Fox, a product of British Columbia, has charmed his way into your lives. His roles as Alex P. Keaton on the beloved TV show Family Ties and Marty McFly in the Back to the Future Trilogy brought the attention of the Americana upon him... just as we planned all along. But it was his recent role on Spin City as Deputy Mayor Michael Flaherty that should have all of you worried. You thought it was a sitcom. Poor deluded people. Spin City was just a front, a learning experience in order for the Canadian people to understand the mechanics of New York City politics. After all, isn’t there an opening for a new mayor? And Michael J. retired from the show? Hmmm.....
“How The Grinch Stole Christmas?” I think the question should be “How Did That Canadian End Up Being The Highest Paid Actor?” Jim Carrey, ladies and gentlemen, has blinded you with his off-the-wall antics to divert you from our top secret project: to control Hollywood! It’s time to expand your horizons by opening up the international market with more independent and foreign films. This will be spearheaded by our foreign film correspondent, Tlimjoco, or St. T as she is commonly known. It is time to open your eyes.
Celine Dion has managed to invade your mind with her powerful vocals and very Canadien accent. She has captured the hearts of many through such songs as “Beauty and the Beast,” “Because You Loved Me” and the theme song to the Titanic “My Heart Will Go On.” However, what you don’t know is that if you play her songs backwards, you will hear the message “I am Canadian” over and over again. We have been preparing you all this time, not only with these few individuals, but with others such as Rick Moranis, Peter Jennings, Shania Twain, Alex Trebek, The Barenaked Ladies, Mike Meyers, Pamela Anderson, Donald Sutherland, Keanu Reeves and so many other notable personalities. Just as “there is no spoon”, now “there is no USA.”
We figure we have a good chance at achieving a stature of power. After all, if an actor can become President of the United States, then anything is possible.
“Show Me The Money!”
Canadian currency has always been very colourful, just like the people who wield it. American money is bland, even though it has always been worth more. How you Americans don't manage to confuse a $1 bill with a $100 bill is beyond me. Well, no more. The strength of the American dollar coupled with Canadian currency will now be the way of life. Surprisingly, all the world currencies, except for the American dollar, has always been colourful. It’s time to bring the Americans into the new Millennium. Don’t worry. We have been preparing you for this very day. After all, why do you think Monopoly has been around for a long time?
Now remember, here in Canada, we use both coins and bills. The loonie ($1) and twoonie ($2) have become a staple in Canadian currency.... basically, disposable income. It’s easy to tell these two coins apart so do not worry about confusing them with other notables such as the quarter, the dime, the nickel and the penny.... everyone is in a class of their own. Just in case you forget the names of our beloved one and two dollar coins, remember this little number, sung to the tune of Steven Speilberg’s TV cartoon show Tiny Toons (sorry for paraphrasing , Mr. Speilberg):
“They’re tiny, the twoonie, and don’t forget that loonie.
This will be the currency invading your country.”
Learn it well, for there are other things that must be taught in order for you to function as a true citizen of this noble country.
“Parlez-vous Français?”
Oui, Canada is a bilingual country so do not be irked by all the French that you see wherever you go. The two official languages are English and French — English is the native language to over 60% of the population, French with only 25%, and everything else, including Pig Latin make up the rest. Is it necessary to learn French? To some degree, yes. It will help you understand Celine Dion a lot more whenever she talks so yew do not need zee interpreter to do any of zee translating for yew. And if you do not have anything nice to say, then it is advisable to fermez la bouche, s'il vous plait. After all, an even worse thing than having a Mountie or a Grizzly Bear attack you is to have an irate French Canadien cursing away while spitting in your face.
“I” Before “E” Except After “C”... But Always Include That “U”
It has come to my attention that there is some confusion with the English language. That’s right, the Queen’s language has not been used properly. In order to teach you the ways of the Canadian people, I have hired a special instructor (one whom I have personally instructed myself) to tutor you in our Canadian ways. Head Mistress Bijou comes to me with the highest recommendation and credentials for the task at hand. She has familiarized herself with the Queen’s language and it would be wise for all to attend her classes.
By adding “u” to many words, you capture the Canadian flavour which is always served with honour and dignity... either that or a doughnut and coffee at your favourite Tim Horton's. Just remember to pay with our colourful money... the only currency really. But adding “u” isn’t the only dilemma we face... the pronunciation of words has to be streamlined as well. The English language is one of the hardest languages to learn especially to those immigrants coming into our fare land so we must make things easier... for everyone. Again, just like spelling, pronouncing and enunciating your words is crucial. Take the word kilometre (that’s right... we also have “re” words to contend with as well). It is not pronounced “KILL-O-MEE-TER” but “KI-LOM-E-TER”. Say it with me: “KI-LOM-E-TER”.
Speaking of kilometre, everyone will be required to learn the Metric System. There will be no more inches or pounds or gallons or yards... the Empirical System is archaic. When asked about your height and weight, you will no longer say, for example, “I am 5’6” and 130 pounds.” Instead it will be “I am 170 centimetres tall weighing in at 55 kilogrammes” ... that or “It’s none of your damn business, thank you.” (even when we curse we always say it in a polite manner)
“When Was the War of 1812?”
It is also important to learn about the history of your new home. The word Canada is derived from Kanata, a word of Huron and Iroquois Indians meaning a village or community. This term was noted by French explorer Jacques Cartier in 1535. The man thought he was so smart when he discovered that the Indians of the site, which is now the city of Quebec, pointed their kanata to him and he figured they were naming the country he landed on. Instead they were referring to their Indian tribe. Way to go, Jacques. Score another for the Frenchies.
The very first Canadian Prime Minister was Sir John A. Macdonald serving two terms from 1867-73 and 1878-91. He was instrumental in persuading British Columbia and Prince Edward Island to joining the Dominion of Canada. He created the province of Manitoba. He oversaw the construction of Canada’s first transcontinental railway, the Canadian Pacific Railway, which linked Canada from the Atlantic to the Pacific. However, all of these great accomplishments are overshadowed by one astounding feat: the man was a drunk. That man known as Prime Minister Macdonald was really a Booze hound named Jack. His drinking days are legendary, almost awe-inspiring, which probably explains why Canadians have such strong intestinal fortitude when it comes to consuming alcohol. Now you can understand why Canadians can always outdrink their American counterparts.
And never forget The War of 1812, the time when the Canadians defeated the Americans from a hostile takeover. Do not think that we don’t know how to fight. We have just looked for alternate ways to fighting. Learn the ways of the Jedi with us. Embrace the Light. If you don’t, we will drop you off in the middle of The Canadian Shield to a place called “Winterpeg” where you will really learn how to live in igloos and ride dog sleds.
“For Truth, Justice and.. the Canadian Way?”
Who invented... the radio, basketball, baseball, hockey, the snowmobile, the pacemaker, the electric cooking range, kerosene, fibre optics, the synthesizer, insulin, standard time, Java software, canola, the cobalt bomb, cable TV, the V-chip, the Wonderbra, Trivial Pursuit and the artificial human heart? Why Canadians, of course! All of these inventions and so many more must be recognized, not only by our fellow Canadians, but to the entire world. It is time that we show some national pride.
But the one I wish to reclaim as our own was created by Joe Shuster, cousin to Frank Shuster of the legendary Wayne & Shuster fame (shame on you if you don’t know who they are... Witty Nathsmom will definitely lead you on the true path to the Canuck way of living). One of the most recognizable characters in the world was created by this Canadian: Superman. For Truth, Justice and the American Way? I think not. More like the Canadian Way. It’s only fitting that our hero comes back home. After all, he’s an alien... an illegal alien working in another country. Besides, he can fight along side Captain Canuck (yes, there really is a Captain Canuck) as they battle against the forces of evil... those pantomimes on the street. A mime in any country is a terrible thing to waste. Jeez, I hope we didn't invent them as well.
The National Past Time
Say goodbye to Monday Night Football. Say hello to Hockey Night in Canada. Oh, don’t worry. Football will still be around. In fact, we will now play under CFL (Canadian Football League) rules to pick up the pace of the game and make even more exciting. If the 2000 Grey Cup (the equivalent to the Super Bowl without that tawdry half-time show) is an indicator of the level of intensity and excitement to the game of football, it must now be adopted to all teams. The Grey Cup Champions, the BC Lions, will attest that it was a nailbiter right to the very end. The NFL and the newly formed XFL will now be governed under CFL rules.
But hockey will reign supreme. It is not just another sport. Oh no. It's a religion. It is the Canadian way of living. And it's not ice hockey... just hockey.... adjectiveless yet honoured. Many great hockey players have their roots in Canada such as The Moose Mark Messier of the New York Rangers and The Great One Wayne Gretzky, hockey's ambassador to the sport. The intensity, the speed, the talent... it is absolutely unbelievable. As a citizen of Canada, you must learn the ways of cross sticking and icing. Resistance is futile. It's either that or learning how to roll on a log.
“I Pledge Allegiance to the Beaver.”
Before anybody can become a true and patriotic citizen of the Tundra, you must recite an oath to your new country. To truly understand what it means to be Canadian, the good people of Molson Canadian Breweries have designed the perfect pledge of allegiance to their country. You will all repeat the “I Am Canadian” rant after me:
”Hey.
I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader,
And I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dogsled,
And I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Susie from Canada,
Although I am certain they are really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
“I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it "about" ... not "a-boot".
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peacekeeping not policing;
Diversity not assimilation;
“And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal!
A tuque is hat; a chesterfield is a couch.
And it is pronounced ZED not ZEE, ZED!
Canada is the second largest landmass,
The first nation of hockey,
And the best part of North America!
“MY NAME IS JOE! (if it isn’t, please insert your own name)
AND I AM CANADIAN!!!”
Be prepared. There will be an oral quiz for your citizenship.
“We Stand On Guard For Thee”
Canadians are a very laid-back populace. Aggressive behaviour is not our way of living but we will stand up for what is right. We are the peacemakers, always striving to put out the many fires that have spread throughout this world. We will defend ourselves with sheer politeness if we must. A simply “thank you” or “excuse me” always seem to be more effective than going postal or adhering to road rage.
However, if all else fails, and you cause more trouble than you are worth, then we will take our cue from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, led by Bob and Doug MacKenzie, and bomb the Baldwins... once again.
Blame Canada, eh?
This was brought to you by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
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Thanks to all these conquering leaders who found their insanity to participate in such an overtaxing endeavour. Please go visit their overactive imaginations. Just make sure you have your passport at hand.
The Assimilated
AinsleyJo, Alkaiser, beckish, Bijou, cheekylass, Ginaav, JBDuckling, kay67, ladydagney1, levda, pambo, piglet2061, prfstars, PurpleHaze31, repulsemonkey, Sordid-1, tlimjoco, 29th_candidate
The Conquerors
elvisdo, hadassahchana, nathsmom, purrkitty, YYvonne
*** A very special thanks to my Angels: Bijou, nathsmom and tlimjoco for helping me organize and round-up the troops. Charlie is very grateful.
*** Also special thanks extended to fellow Canadians Caleo and purrkitty for their inspiring articles which led to this madness. See what happens when evil takes over.
Recommended:
Yes
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elvisdo
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Member: Charles "The Grim One"
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Thank you to everybody who participated in both my write-offs. Until the next one!
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