Australia - even the INSANE are welcome
Written: Nov 27 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: open spaces - unique wildlife
Cons: non
The Bottom Line: Australian Visa - no I.Q. test is required
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| SMITHSWOODSIDE's Full Review: Australia |
Now this is really a classified conversation, but since I trust you I will tell you what happened. This morning I got a call from the Prime Minister - nothing unusual about that. "Yes John, ow ya going, mate?.....yes..yes..of course they do...hey, I just told you, the people still love you, what are you really worried about?" Damn politicians, always the first thing they want to know - anyhow he says "Peter, you know we issue over five million visa's a year to tourists and you know we ask them why they want to come" I respond "John, John, tell me something I don't know will you" - "Well, he says, you wouldn't believe what has happened - more and more are wanting to come here and play..." "No, no John, not that surely? I plead. "Yep" he says "what the hell do I do about it Peter - these people are dangerous, unbalanced..." - "John, get hold of yourself, they aren't exactly the Taliban you know - anyway if they are dumb enough it's still good for the country, isn't it? The PM is deathly silent. Then he says "maybe I've got illegal immigrants on the brain Peter" ....."No no John, we had to do that but these people aren't like that - oh sure a bit weird, but no threat mate, I promise."
Obviously there is a limit to how much I can tell you, but that’s enough for now. The fact is people from just about all over the world succumb to the evil you are about to learn. But in a strange sort of way, psychologically it may even be helpful, and Australia is one of if not the best places in the world to partake in this obsessionary practice. So let’s get down to it;
Yes I know it is hard to believe - extremely hard. But there are people on this planet who derive a curious enjoyment about whacking half to death a poor little white ball. Not satisfied at hitting it once they walk, or the extremely lazy even drive, over to the ball and whack it again. Usually they keep doing this till it lands on a smooth patch of lush green finely cut grass. At this point the ball is fully exposed and they realise how cruel they have been. To attempt to make up for the hard wacks they tap it once or twice softly until it falls in to a little hole out of the wind.
Yes it's crazy - yes it's sick - but I swear it's true. I have seen this with my own eyes.
But, I am very sad to say, it gets even worse. Just when normal people think these weirdo's have seen the light, they grab that poor little ball again, walk a short distance and give it another hiding! Oh, how I love it when they miss!
So bad has this practice become it has now been given a name - golf. Can you believe a name like that - golf! What is that supposed to be - gulf misspelt? And worse still, this is a highly addictive undertaking. Its little more than legalized heroin. It has reached epidemic proportions and just like other drugs has spread across the world. There is only one redeeming feature that does at least show some modicum of humanity remains within these people. That is the least beltings they give the ball the better they believe they have done. But why belt a defenceless little ball in the first place? Sick, very very sick.
If you doubt me look at a belting place called a golf course on a wet windy day - they will still be out there belting away!
This is the one bad thing about Australia. Yes, I admit, we have Golf Courses, in fact more than fourteen hundred of them. Sorry, I am a bit emotional. Just imagine how many ball floggings take place a day in this country alone. This is truly a sad indictment on a proud land. Hell, we protect snakes, crocodiles and all sorts of dangerous critters - but the poor little golf ball - oh no, its open season all year round!
In fairness taking out frustration in this way is better than killing people I guess, but it does clearly indicate two things. Number one is a general mean-ness of attitude and number two how something senseless alleviates that mental condition - surely a clue for criminologists.
Countries relatively close to Australia, in particular Japan and Singapore, have few golf courses so they flock here where they are plentiful and cheap. Some are set in truly majestic settings and even I, as intelligent as I am, fell for game at one of these quite some years ago. It was high up in the hills, overlooking lush green farmlands and the sea. For me it was not just a test of ball whacking but a test of endurance climbing, always climbing - but the view from each green almost made it worth the heart straining climb. Overseas tourists were everywhere and all they could talk about was the view and how at only ten dollars a game some mistake had to have been made. I thought, being a lateral thinker, it was pretty expensive since the land was too steep to plough!
Officially there are one million three hundred thousand Australian Golfers - possums balls! Of all the people I know I am the only one smart enough not to play! Some of the best known courses are Queensland’s Royal Pines and Sanctuary Cove , New South Wales Riverside Oaks and The Lakes, South Australia’s the Grange and Victoria’s Huntingdale and Kingston Heath . Sure these are pretty reasonable courses but they are really only well known because International events are played mostly at these - there are plenty every bit as good and some better in my opinion.
Gulf, er golf is naturally played all year round since the climate almost everywhere ranges from cool to stinking hot, but never freezing to er, er well sometimes just too bloody hot.
They reckon Australia is the easiest place in the world to get a game. Well I wouldn’t know about that but on all six occasions I have played because one of my mates loves it we just decide the night before and go in the morning - we have never booked and never been refused. And that’s in three States, and the most sardined, er populated ones.
Did you know golf was invented in Scotland! Neither did I but it was way back in the fourteen hundreds - the “Middle Ages” so it figures. Some Scots galahs brought it here in 1847. I bet the Aboriginals quite understandably did some head shaking! America's Cypress Point and Augusta National were designed by Scotsman Dr Alistair Mackenzie and he came here and designed some of ours. Talk about an easy job - hell, what’s so a hard; shove the launching pad somewhere and just out if sight bore a hole. What tough work!
Some, not many, courses here have kangaroos hopping about and wombat holes instead of sand traps. Now it is not acceptable to hit a roo with a golf ball. Anyone who does that is immediately killed. Well, er not really, but they should be. Now wombat holes are the ultimate sand trap - eh? whats a wombat - just imagine a ninety pound mouse, in fact about fifty of them and they live in burrows they dig - just like an ant burrow but huge tunnels about two or three feet across. Now if your ball goes in a wombat hole you have two choices - leave it or leave it. The third choice is a little gruesome.
No matter where you are in Australia there is a golf course nearby. $10 to $20, or $30 plus will get you a game on excellent courses. $5- will be enough for some of the “roughies” but these are quite good anyway, so you can play “for peanuts” or hobnob it and make a real galah of yourself with the pro’s by paying say about $70- And every club will hire out anything you need for a very small fee.
If you are one of the super addicted and want to play, and stay, at one of the “posh” resorts you really should book ahead. And these courses even have their own hotels, with swimming, tennis, squash and some have lakes for boating. Every State has these but for my money Queensland gets first prize, but only because the weather.
All clubs have a local pro who will teach you, for a fee, how to better pound a ball. So there you have it - the only thing Golf Clubs in Australia don’t provide is counselling to help get you out of your addiction!
Recommended:
Yes
Best Suited For: Friends
Best Time to Travel Here: Anytime
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SMITHSWOODSIDE
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Member: Peter Smith
Location: South Australia
Reviews written: 521
Trusted by: 400 members
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