Australia - Tourism - how LUCKY TO HAVE ME
Written: Dec 15 '00
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Pros: honest
Cons: nil
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| SMITHSWOODSIDE's Full Review: Australia |
It saddens me to feel compelled to write this - truth can really hurt and that is what this is all about - please brace yourselves.
Anyone visiting Australia who has read my reviews can rejoice in the knowledge they know the truth. Regrettably this is not always the case, as I demonstrate below;
No matter who it is or where we plan on going, when planning to visit a different country we need to show a bit of adaptability and lots of analytical ability, unless of course we have me to do all this on our behalf - as I have done for Australia.
For instance, I have been invited to Alaska so it would be a huge mistake for me to think about it being cold. After all, it gets mighty damn cold here in winter, sometimes as low as 65 degrees during the day and at night, it is absolutely freezing, often around 45.
Now I know that's hard to believe, but it gets worse. On several occasions each winter the old mercury drops all the way to 35 - see, nothing warm about South Australia.
So when I am looking at the possibilities of going to Alaska, and I see temperatures in winter as low as minus 60, I never think of it that way - after all plus 60/minus 60 - its only the stoke of a pen.
Food expectations are a similar thing. I never eat breakfast, so thats easy, but I do like my six or seven locally grown bananas for lunch. Now once again, its just possible bananas aren't growing in the garden but being flexible if they are imported from a local area, like say Northern Canada, I can live with that. See, flexible at all times.
Language shouldn't be too much of a problem. I figure they speak USAenese there so that means I will understand every third word. It is truly amazing how well a conversation can take place understanding that much. Of course, Australians not having any form of accent helps the Americans dramatically. By us being totally clear and understandable makes the lack of words that we can't follow sort of a speed listening arrangement.
And oh the money - of course we readily adapt to all notes of differing amounts being the same colour - it could be a slight problem but I mustn't forget my goggles so I can be sure what I am handing out. This probably explains why the USA is the worlds biggest economy - you know, all those mistakes in their favour would add up.
Some places in the world are prone to natural disaster, like the tornadoes along the east coast, and this probably explains the much greater religious adherence. I would be praying too. I am really pleased that Alaska has very little snow, because that would have to be the ultimate destroyer of a vacation. Not only does snow mean cold, but it is damn difficult to wade through, I am told. See I have never seen the terrible stuff, and hopefully I never will.
Yes I know Australia is 1% snowbound in winter, but at least there are warning signs as you approach so we can turn around in plenty of time. You won't believe this but I swear its true. In Australia I have seen many carloads of people all smiling and laughing as they continue on past these signs. It gives me a sick feeling - don't they see the signs? Well it serves them right for not watching the road, silly fools.
But a word of warning. The information on the internet concerning USA weather is all wrong. This is obvious by deduction and common sense. See, if we believed the weather forecasts in winter it would mean most of the country had snow during winter! What a ridiculous assertion - I am too smart for that, even "Big Bird" would be.
Just imagine if that was true - it would mean most Americans lived under conditions of extreme hardship, and like Australia when that happens they would get their tax reduced by 40%!! - absolutely ridiculous, this little black duck is too smart for that. Imagine the residents of southern California, Alabama, and Florida plus Hawaii and Alaska keeping the country going - absurd.
So we must be analytical. Like the -60 of Alaska - who could live in that, so it can't be that cold - its all a big set-up - a bloody conspiracy. But then, I suppose they have to keep that seething mob on the "mainland" some how.
When I get to Alaska and we sit outside at midnight in shirt and shorts with my cup of coffee admiring the northern sky, watching all the locals walk by I will have a wry smile as I think how I wasn't fooled by all this coldness routine. No snow, or at least none to speak of, I will volunteer to water the garden, especially my new banana plants.
This is why you are so lucky to have me in my writings about Australia- at least I would say that if I wasn't so modest but you all know its nothing but the truth from the Koala.
Ever had a Koala tell you a lie? Ever heard a Koala with an accent?
Of course not.
Recommended:
Yes
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SMITHSWOODSIDE
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Member: Peter Smith
Location: South Australia
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