Australia - LAUGHING and REGURGITATING
Written: Jan 04 '01
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Pros: essential information - accuracy undoubted
Cons: none
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| SMITHSWOODSIDE's Full Review: Australia |
Are you aware that from here i.e. both Adelaide and Melbourne, you can fly over Antarctica?
You can rent a light aircraft and just head south until it gets bloody cold and when you see all this white stuff below, you know you are getting close to the Pole itself. Of course you can't carry enough fuel to get back, but at least you have seen it. Just see kamikaze airways at Parafield Airport when you are here in Adelaide.
There is another way for the faint hearted. That is either Ansett or Quantas, who run regular day long Boeing 747 flights doing the same thing, except they always get back! The planes leave about 6.30am and its roughly 5 hours to get there. Then they spend about another 5 hours flying slow and low so everyone can grab a handful of snow or a penguin to play with. (penguin races in the corridors are very popular).
Of course after the boozing and eating most see glaciers and penguins all the way back, even though the penguins are chucked out with miniature parachutes by the crew as the plane turns around. If you can get at the right angle you can see the little varmints rolling in the snow, laughing and regurgitating at the same time - ah, what a mess.
Air New Zealand decorated a mountain with a DC10 when they tried this but so far no Australian Airline has - see, we just can't afford to waste a 747 like that. Annoys the hell out of the passengers, too.
Tickets cost about a cent, oh thats to make, but you have to pay anywhere from $1,000 to a $100,000 Australian Dollars. Most pay only $1,000 to $2,000 but the more expensive tickets are worked on a pro-rata basis for those that want to actually fly the plane. The dearest ticket, $100,000 is for a blind, deaf and mute person. It is quite safe though because the real pilot, who is usually half blind on Vodka anyway to settle his nerves, always pulls back the right lever just in time.
The whole arrangement amounts to a much more interesting trip. Anyone who has flown a log distance can vouch for how boring it is. Just imagine if every flight was operated this way - the boredom would be gone and I reckon they would get a lot more passengers.
Now thats one thing I bet you didn't know you could do in the land Down Under, and parts of that are even true! See, when I went to writing University for a half hour early last year the one thing I remember as I received my Degree was "Peter, remember to make it interesting". So there you are, nothing beats a University Education. I didn't know that, but in that half hour you wouldn't believe what I learnt. All sorts of stuff I can't remember but it doesn't matter because at least I remember that.
Well, thats the first think about Australia I bet you didn't know. Didn't have a bloody clue did ya?
Another one is how to live in your average suburban home.
The number one main difference in Australia is that we share our houses with the snakes. No, not the inside, ya rabbit, the garden. Now snakes are a protected species, whereas humans are not. Why do you look so surprised. Okay, that might not be the Official line but it is illegal to harm a snake but look how many humans die of disease and road death etc. - therefore I reckon we are expendable.
If you are lucky like us we have a squadron of fighters behind the house to protect us. Yeah, thats right, Kookaburras. The Kooka's won't tolerate snakes and as I have written before they just love American style "Pot Roast O'Snake".
The bludgers have to have it American Style because here we cook our meat properly.
But three days ago, in the heat of the evening, I turned cold. The Kookas had gone, hopefully temporally, but gone nevertheless. Our front line was now defenceless, except for my snake like cunning. I stood there frozen with fear and inched my way towards the bowl of water I keep full for the snakes down by the back fence. See if they get a drink at least your "on side" but not only that they usually leave. Oh shyster, the bowl is empty - was it drunk by a giant, or did I forget to fill it last time?
And then it happens - there's a rustle in the bushes, dry cleaner please, and out comes -----blue! Blue, me mate, me cobber.
Now, in the interests of science, it is now appropriate to introduce some scientific terms. First, snake - scientific name "Joe Blake", if even rhymes. Lets just call them Joes for ease. Now Blue is a "Blue Tongued Lizard" and his scientific name is in Latin elhateusjoeblakeus, which is a fair mouthful. Blue is my little mate - he is extremely intelligent, about a foot long with a wide flat body, brown eyes and just like the wife a lizard complexion - oh and surprise, a blue tongue. Many people keep Blue's inside as a pet, because they are harmless to humans and hate Joes. They eat the smaller Joes all the time but a really big Joe is a bit much.
So now I feel a bit better. See Blue would only be there if there were no big joes, and if he comes across any little ones they are gone in a gulp.
I just can't begin to tell you what a character Blue is. He loves to be patted, and have his stomach tickled until he either burps or starts laughing uncontrollably.
Of course I can't help but join him, so with me laughing loudly and Blue tssstlytsstlyht at the top of his voice (yeah, course thats how they sound) I reckon we make a pretty good pair.
I really feel great when I go outside to say put a sprinkler on and I just call Blue, Bluueee, and he comes running fast as he can. I can't help but smile when he comes over the hot concrete swearing his head off! (oh common, you try crawling over it).
Now I am not quite sure how to tell you the last bit. I actually dreamt it so it must be true.
One day I walked outside and Blue was gone, and the Kookas hadn't come back. I was totally defenceless, and sure enough a huge Joe came at me and bit me. Now you are supposed to lie down and relax so he can double back and bite you again....er ...no actually so the venom doesn't race through your body. You're also supposed to bandage the wound - but Hell, why would you be calm, you've had it - so get used to it - you are screwed, finito so you die and start rising. You realise where you are going and on the way up this gay little angel, that is a happy little angel, hands you a pass. Just ahead there is a hell of a mob and a giant flashing sign saying "You are Perfect, You are nice, You are mine, signed God.
At first I thought "hey, thats cool, I'm perfect, nice and then wham it hits me - no, no, perfect and nice for eternity! It just can't be - this has to be hell!
Just ahead I notice hundreds tearing up their passes, kicking their heels up in the air and diving downwards as fast as they can. One of them yells out "hey, pal, you with the snakebite holes in his leg, the action is down this way". So I think for a split second, tear up my pass and dive - and bloody well wake up!
As my regular, well semi regular reader knows I never tell a lie....hang on a moment.......something in my throat.........oh yuk .....thats better
the 747 flights are true
Blue is real - follows me everywhere and "helps"
The Kookas are real
er...must be.....some bits and pieces.....er..... some are real, even true.
Recommended:
Yes
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Member: Peter Smith
Location: South Australia
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