Baltimore: Strip Joints, Family Places, and More
Written: Jun 17 '09
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Aquarium, Block, Camden Yards is amazing, Inner Harbor, Lexington Market, Food
Cons: Not a lot to do for tourists, Some dangerous "seedy" areas
The Bottom Line: Baltimore has some great crabcakes and aquarium, and the block as well.
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| toiletoctopus's Full Review: Baltimore |
As someone who lives in the Greater-Worst Washington D.C. Metropolitan Area, often referred to as Washington-Baltimore, I've had plenty of times to visit Charm City. The affectionate nickname of Baltimore or Balmore as I call it, reminds me of Emerald City from the Wizard of Oz. While I'm not going to wear ruby red slippers anytime soon, I've come close to doing this in Baltimore, when I got lost in a rather scary neighborhood. I almost stood in the middle of the rowhouse area, with cameras all over the place, saying "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." That was my introduction to one of the rougher areas of this city, which is the People's Republic of Marylands biggest, and a neat place to spend a day or two.
The majority of places in Baltimore are suitable for most, as there are a few rough spots, but every city has "red zones" that you are smart to stay away from. In the last five years or so, Baltimore has become revitalized, after it was subjected to a terrible nuclear explosion in the Sum of All Fears. Lots of new markets and trendy stores are now located in the Inner Harbor Area, which is one of my favorite spots of the city. There's something amazing about standing in this area, and looking out at the water, and the skyline behind that hides the gunshots, muggings, and taserings that are applied by Baltimore's finest. This is perhaps the most family oriented place in town, and kids will fall in love with looking through the quarter fed viewer telescope machines, to get a magnificent view of the surrounding area.
In all seriousness, you've got to stop by the Baltimore Aquarium. This could be among the greatest exhibits you'll ever get a chance to go to, since you can "see" "sea" creatures in a personalized way. Sure you won't get to get attacked by the huge squid from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, but you'll get to see one octopus that will take your breath away. There are sharks to watch in tanks right next to you, and plenty of staff to answer your questions. It really is amazing to see even just regular Bluefish swimming right by you, or something exotic like a huge Grouper that I wouldn't want to tangle with. There are no donkey shows here, but you can see a dolphin show, where these creatures do "Flips and S*it" like the famous "On a Boat" video. At first I was really mad about paying $29.95 for an adult ticket, and $19.95 for a kids version, but you get your money's worth here. Plus, some of the proceeds go to cleaning up the Chesapeake Bay, which is vulnerable due to pollution and overfishing.
If you like baseball, and are into the pureness of the sport that's been eradicated with the "Roid era", go down to Camden Yards. Its almost as beautiful as Fenway Park, and I think it is a national treasure. Even non-fans will appreciate this sacred place, as it is a reminder of baseball eras from long ago, when steroids weren't in but perhaps Babe Ruth's hotdogs and cigarettes were. If you have kids, this is a safe place to take them, as there are no glass bottles being thrown or a lot of obscenities being screamed out. The fans here are polite, which is my way of calling them wimps, but I am a Red Sox fan and accustomed to taunting and threats of violence. You won't get obstructed seats here either, and due to the lack of fan support due to Peter Angelos ruining this team, you can buy cheap ones and move down to better ones after the fourth inning!
One facility that reminds me of the old DC Arena, with all of its holes and insulation issues, is the First Mariner Arena. Its a dump, but it hosts a lot of shows and sporting events. The prices to most of these is within budget for most families, so be sure to look at their site to see what's going on if you are visiting. Twice a year you can experience Monster Jam here, and one of these visits coincides with the summer tourist season. There's nothing more family friendly than monster trucks crashing over cars, along with more rednecks than a Bass Fishing competion. You can take the kids for $20 per person, and the seating areas are comfortable, and offer unobstructed views here as well. They also do occasionally have more "classy" shows, such as drama productions and arena football, so there is plenty to pick from if in the area.
I'm totally in love with Lexington Market. This has been around since the 1780's, and is the premier place in Balmore to get crabcakes. Located right off of W.Lexington Street, you can easily spend half a day here or more, just seeing all of the different food items and characters that sell groceries. Its not a fancy place, like Fanneuil Hall in Boston, but it has a charm that can't be found anywhere else. Here you can haggle on seafood prices, and be sure to get at least a crabcake or two. If you want to buy bushels of crabs, this is a fine place to get that as well, but for crabs you can also visit East Baltimore Street.
I was a bit taken aback by East Baltimore Street the first time. It's called the "Block", and YOU DO NOT want to take your family in this area. This is adults only, and with that being said, be very careful. You can have a lot of fun here, but its also a place you can get into a lot of trouble in seconds. My friend brought me here the first time, and its the only place I've been offered to buy rocks of Coke. A man came up to me and said "Would you like to buy these shoes", and in the bottom of the shoe was rock cocaine. I told him "No," and he walked off saying "Sorry these aren't your size." It was a unique moment in my life, but what really woke me up was what the block is.
This is a whole street of nothing but strip joints, sex shops, and "novelty stores" that sell brass knuckles aka paper weights and bongs meant for tobacco only. Its a fun place to spend some hours, and if you want to see characters, the doormen at these establishments are hilarious. They will yell out to you while opening a door "Come on in guys, we got nine girls dancing tonight...you are gonna have FUN!" Inside these "strip joints" are pretty much the same setup, as there's a bar, along with the stage right in the middle. The ladies in all of them were alright, and later on I found out why there are no prostitutes walking around on the streets.
The "dancers" are actually prostitutes, and while they will dance naked for tips, they will later sit next to you. Here they will ask you to buy them a drink. I was naive to this, until I asked how much a "drink" was. Thirty dollars! No way! You buy them a "drink" from the bar, which is how the bar gets their cut of money, and then you start negotiating with the "dancer". Apparently ,there's a backroom where you can have fun. I declined this of course, as I'm not going to pay for that, am married, and don't want to catch something that will scar me for life. Its an interesting process though, and most of these establishments if you make it clear you aren't there for that, you can enjoy a traditional night of throwing dollars up on the stage.
Baltimore is a great place to spend a day or two, but it doesn't have as many tourist attractions as nearby Washington D.C. or Philadelphia. Yet, it does give you a chance to see a large urban area, that is known for its fine aquarium, baseball stadium, and sights on the block. The improvements over years past are hard to miss, and the downtown area is now vibrant, and filled with lots of bookstores and nightclubs that are safe to go to. You can also have a fine dinner at one of their numerous seafood or steakhouses, but eventually you are going to want to visit another city. Be sure to get some crabcakes, and say hi to the octopus when at the aquarium!
Recommended:
Yes
Best Suited For: Families
Best Time to Travel Here: Anytime
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