The number one attraction in St. Louis is undoubtedly the Gateway Arch, but you might want to think twice if you ever thought you might be scared of small spaces or rickety contraptions. The construction of this Government-sponsored monument represents our nation's greatness (or wisdom), but it's maintenance shows our frugality. It seems Mr. Jefferson hit the nail squarely on the head.

The arch is an architectural feat, and an optical illusion. (The arch is exactly as tall as it is wide, even though it doesn't appear that way.) While you're there, it's probably worthwhile to take the trip to the top. Don't forget to use your AAA card, if you've got one, for a discount on the tickets.

The elevator is really more like a car in a tram, as a series of seven elevators all move up and down in tandem. There's a tram on each side of the arch, for a total of fourteen compartments. Each compartment can theoretically hold five people, although in practice the compartments will transport fewer than that, either because (a) groups of four people tend to ride alone rather than with one complete stranger, and (b) any significantly heavy people (in this case, significantly heavy means 50 lbs or more) will tend to fill two of the seats. Boarding the elevators smacks strangely of evacuating the mother-ship in Spaceballs, as throngs of people try to fit through a series of tiny doors in the wall into the compartments.

The elevator, which more than vaguely resembles the rotating drum from a clothes dryer is round, small, and it rotates. The track the elevator follows is curved to stay inside the arch as it goes up. The bottom of the elevator is actually a couple of floors underground, and the elevator curves back towards the centre, so the total path resembles a complete semicircle. As your elevator compartment ascends the arch, it will periodically adjust (or more specifically, abruptly grind) to maintain a relatively vertical orientation. This allows you to traverse the semicircular path without emerging upside-down at the end, although your stomach may end up that way anyhow.

The view from the top should be breathtaking, as you have an unobstructed view for miles in each direction. Unfortunately, the windows are all of 8 inches tall, and it seems that nobody has cleaned the outside of the glass since the arch was built. Compounding the problem is the fact that every other tourist sticks their face up against the glass for a good look, leaving a fearful smudge. It takes a good scrubbing with the sleeve of your shirt (if you're willing to sacrifice it) to clean off the window.

If you're visiting in the summertime, you probably won't stay at the top for long, since it's going to be packed with people and there's no air conditioning. Also, if you think you might need to use a restroom, be sure to go before you visit the top, since there's no facilities up there and the elevator takes quite a while to make it's circuit.

Underneath the Arch is a whole museum - technically, the whole place is called the "Jefferson National Expansion Memorial," and not the "Gateway Arch and some other stuff," as most people know it. The museum is actually rather interesting, as there are exhibits of the biology and anthropology of the ante-European West, as well as a detailed history of the Lewis and Clark expedition.

At the entrance to the museum area, there's a statue of Thomas Jefferson, just standing in the middle of the foyer. It's a good place to take a picture with the former President, but don't try to put your sunglasses or hat on Mr. Jefferson for the photo, as you will receive a severe chastisement from the Park Ranger on duty.

While you're at the Arch (er, Jefferson National Expansion Memorial) you could enjoy a picnic on the very well maintained lawn in front of the river. You might even consider a swim in the Mississippi, if you really want to contract some horrible disease from the pollution. At least when I was there, the river water was brown and completely opaque.

Just up stream from the Arch is another of America's favourite pastimes, the riverboat casino. You can stop in here to throw some money away, but you've got to surrender all of your electronic gear (including cell phones and cameras) before going in, and it will be a hassle to get them back when you come out (a better choice is to leave this stuff in your car, or put it in your pocket and don't tell the guard at the entrance about it.) Also, although the boat never leaves the dock, for some incredibly stupid reason it's only considered docked at certain times, and you can't board when it's not docked. Strangely enough, you can disembark whenever you want.




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