Sloucho's Guide to the Pennsylvania Turnpike (I-76)
Written: Jun 20 '01 (Updated Jun 21 '01)
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Pros: I-76 offers what is perhaps the epitome of American highway scenery.
Cons: Deer make for a far less convenient kind of roadkill than armadillos.
The Bottom Line: I-76 presents America at its most unpretentious and natural; it's a road that all domestic travellers should get to know.
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| Sloucho's Full Review: Pennsylvania |
Home can be the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Indiana's early mornin' dew,
High up in the hills of California,
Home is just another word for you.
--Billy Joel, "You're My Home," Piano Man
Overview
Although it might seem obvious to any but the most literal-minded that Billy Joel's "You're My Home" is addressed to a lover rather than Interstate 76, the fact of the matter is that I can't help thinking of the highway that connects Philadelphia to Pittsburgh as one of the homiest roads in America. It is a highway that speaks to our national identity topographically and commercially as well as historically. Interstates that run north-south tend to end in a '5'; those that run east-west tend to end in a '0'; but an exception was made for I-76 as a way of commemorating the year in which the United States struck for independence and of celebrating Pennsylvania's identity as the Keystone State.
I grew up in Texas, all over Texas: on the Louisiana border, on the Oklahoma border, on the New Mexico border, on the Mexican border, and lots of places in between. (My father was a football coach, and football is serious business in Texas. When he won, we were lured to another town; when he lost, we were chased out of the town we were in.) Texas is an interesting state, but it never reminded me of the places that were depicted as 'America' in the books I read and the television shows I watched. We had man-made lakes, trickling creeks, and foliage that was simply and entirely 'all wrong.' Visitors to west Texas rarely manage to come to terms with the eerie treelessness of the region; when we lived outside Amarillo, we used to swear that we could see Canada.
The desolate stretch of I-10/I-20 between El Paso and Abilene was the highway that I came to know best in my youth, as I had to make the thirteen-hour drive between my parents' house in El Paso and my alma mater (UNT) just north of Dallas four times a semester. Although there is a spectacular beauty to the desolation of the desert that one finds west of El Paso, the scrub between El Paso and Midland (littered with rusting, overturned train cars, and punctuated by massive truck stops) is so dreary as to make staying awake for the drive a fairly demanding task. There's really nothing to look at but the billboards and occasional herds of undernourished cows, and the way the cows look at the billboards makes the billboards seem even duller than they are.
I-76, on the other hand, is a marvelously variegated stretch of highway. The extraordinary variety of trees and shrubs is interesting, but not as interesting as the living rock through which the highway has been cut. The abrupt changes and pronounced angularity in the geographical strata are so clear-cut that one can actually make out synclines and anticlines with relative ease, even while flying past them at 75 mph.
However, since Mrs. Sloucho assures me that I am boring when I talk about flora and strata, I will try to focus on the more civilized aspects of a highway that I really have come to think of as a kind of 'home.'
Food/Fuel Stops
Despite the many exits to various towns along the Turnpike, most travellers stick to the islands that have been built along the highway. Although the food at the islands is generally edible and the fuel is more reasonably priced than one might expect, I can't quite bring myself to recommend the islands for anything apart from their restrooms, which are kept spic-and-span by round-the-clock attendants.
There was a time when I could have made it across the state of Pennsylvania on the sustenance provided by Roy Rogers, TCBY, Mrs. Fields', Sbarro, Bob's Big Boy, Burger King, and Subway--the usual fast food suspects at the islands along I-76. But I have traversed Pennsylvania often enough to know that it's best to plan on stopping in Bedford (exit 11). There are lots of signs along the highway urging travellers to visit "Historic Bedford," though I'll confess that I don't know how Bedford ended up earning its "historic" moniker any more than I understand how Breezewood came to be known as the "Town of Motels" or what makes Stoudtburg the "Antique Capital of the USA." The billboards are very insistent, however, and I have opted not to argue with them.
Bedford offers a much more satisfying range of culinary options than any of the islands along the Turnpike. The China Inn Restaurant and Ed's Steakhouse are worlds better than Subway and Bob's Big Boy. And there's a wider selection of fast food options as well, including McDonald's (conspicuously absent on the Turnpike itself), Hardee's, Pizza Hut (I freely confess that I like their sandwiches), and perhaps most importantly, Long John Silver's (I can never say 'no' to a hush puppy).
Bonus Tidbit
Although I've never actually spent the night at the Downes Motel, I urge all travellers to be on the alert for the inn's billboard (near milemarker 190), which looks as if it was painted by the proprietor's children in roughly twenty minutes. It's a huge (and shockingly minimalist) depiction of a bloodshot eye with text that reads "You are getting very sleepy."
Shopping
There are lots of signs along the highway that direct travellers to various outlet malls. Whatever else you do, disregard these signs. First off, if you're old enough to read this review, you're old enough to know better than to think that there's anything special about paying $90 for a $20 item at an outlet mall instead of paying $110 for the same $20 item at a retail store. Second, you will notice that the signs directing you to the outlet malls only tell you which exit to take in order to get to them, not how far they are from the highway.
That's because they're really really far.
Most of the signs direct you to the outlet malls in the Pennsylvania Dutch country surrounding Lancaster. If you decide that you absolutely have to have a Coach bag at 20% off (as Mrs. Sloucho decided on our most recent trip), you might want to whip out your map and take a look at where Lancaster is in relation to I-76. And as if it isn't bad enough for the billboards to fail to inform you how long your drive will be, they also neglect to mention that virtually all of the outlet mall stores close at 6. So if you take it into your head to strike out for Lancaster from the Turnpike (exit 21 for the Tanger Outlets) any later than 3, bear in mind that you won't be able to do very extensive browsing before stores start to close.
Bonus Tidbit
I don't know whether I'm more ashamed of the fact that I was suckered into driving to Lancaster from the Turnpike or of the fact that in my many trips back and forth across the state, I have never indulged my urge to stop at The World of Pigeons, a huge maroon eyesore of a barn near milemarker 191.
Speeding
Speeding is bad. Not only is it wrong, but it sets a terrible example for the forest creatures who see us flouting the rules of our own civilization. Is it really reasonable of us to expect deer to make a point of crossing roads at clearly indicated deer crossings when they see us flying down our highways with reckless disregard for the speed limits that our legislators, in their infinite wisdom, have imposed on us?
There are flashing signs along the turnpike that are hooked up to radar guns. They announce your speed to you (and to the deer who see you for the hypocrite that you are) as you pass them. After informing you just how egregiously you are breaking the law, the signs invariably flash the message that speed limits are rigidly enforced. (It is astonishingly easy to elude these signs when they try to pursue you, by the way.) If I had ever once seen a highway patrol car near any of these signs, that "rigid enforcement" message might strike me as being somewhat close to meaningful. As it is, however, I have come to regard these signs as permission to teach those deer a thing or two about flouting the laws of my society.
Eastbound travellers should be aware of the speed trap at the 117.4 mile marker. There's a declivity beside the road beneath an overpass that makes it nearly impossible to spot the cops who almost invariably lurk there.
Bonus Tidbit
The changes in elevation along the Turnpike are gradual, but enough to result in noticeable ear pressure. It's a mistake to travel the Turnpike without a pack of gum.
Conclusions
It takes roughly 6 hours and costs a little over $12 to traverse the state of Pennsylvania via the Turnpike. That's $2/hour for tunnels, rolling hills, swamps, trees, subtle-but-stunning rock formations, self-promoting towns, and far fewer cows than a Texan can understand. I've never made the drive simply for the sake of taking in the scenery, but then again, I've never dreaded the drive either. It's an extremely pleasant stretch of road even if it offers no real surprises. Perhaps what makes it so pleasant is precisely that there aren't any real surprises. It's America at its most unpretentious and natural, a road that all travellers should get to know.
Recommended:
Yes
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Member: Mike Davis
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