As I started writing, it occurred to me this would be a good piece to contribute to Bryan’s New Millennium Write-Off.

Why? It doesn’t have anything to do with the New Millennium, or even what I was doing at this moment in time, but it does go back to our early years in Gatlinburg, the Smoky Mountains, Sevierville, Pigeon Forge, and how these places have changed over the years.

I may not be able to remember what I was doing on December 31, 1999 (my journal is still hiding from me) but I do remember this past week so, Bryan, here’s to you and may you still be hanging around when Tennessee celebrates its history in 2076. Be sure and invite me back to read your review. Between now and then, I'm sure a lot will have changed.

My husband and I both hail from the mountains of east Tennessee with one of our favorite places to hang out being in and around the Smoky Mountains. When we were young children still living at home with our parents, and before the Smokies, Pigeon Forge, Sevierville, and Gatlinburg became such huge tourist attractions, a drive through the mountains was part of our spring, summer and autumn weekends.

We were quite familiar with the K-town (Knoxville) amenities, colleges (in Knox and surrounding counties), tourist attractions and small towns off the beaten track, which can offer far more than imaginable. Dirt roads are now paved, malfunction junction is still malfunction junction, and road construction on I40 continues to be a nightmare. It’s my firm belief they will never finish that part of the Interstate and we’ll be forever trapped in a web of hell on wheels!

The mountains were nothing new to us so we were accustomed to their beauty and gave it little thought. In fact, I would go so far as to say we were rather blasé when talking about our neck-of-the-woods. It amazed me that people would actually (willingly) come to Gatlinburg for their honeymoon! I hope I’ve grown up enough to look around me and see what they see. They saw beauty where, for a while, my eyes were closed to it, or maybe I should say accustomed to it.

When our children arrived, we continued the tradition of taking them to the mountains on the weekends, visiting the tourist traps, stopping along side the road and wading in the cold creek water. I would like to point out here that when I say cold water, I mean COLD! It could be a hot summer day with temperatures in the upper nineties, but one dip, if you could brave the cold water, soon cooled you down and instead of wanting the air conditioning on, you whined for the heater.

For a while, we lived in Maryville, Tennessee, where my husband grew up. He was a teacher (he still teaches and I am a retired housewife). Our two oldest children saw the east Tennessee hills change from very rural countryside to a busy road trying to accommodate an influx of tourists who did not have a clue about driving our curvy Smoky Mountain roads, or even our regular roads.

Around two years ago, we purchased a time-share condo from Crown Park Resort in Gatlinburg. In order to reserve our week(s), we have to deal with RCI, who does our booking.

We have family and friends who still live in east Tennessee so we visit “home” quite often. For someone who lives in middle Tennessee that sounds rather ridiculous! Ridiculous or not, it’s true. Tennessee is divided into three regions: east, middle and west, and yes, each region has its own dialect.

FYI, over the years we have already been to Ghost Town In The Sky, which is now DOLLYWOOD, along with the Hollywood Star Cars Museum, Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede, Dollywoods Splash Country, Wonder Works (don’t go if you’re prone to vertigo), Forbidden Caverns, Tuckaleechee Caverns, Ober Gatlinbrug, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, Ripley’s Aquarium, Ripley’s Moving Theater 4D, Ripley’s Haunted Adventure, The Comedy Barn, Alabama Grill, Arts and Crafts Community, American Jukebox Theater, Mini Golf, Parrot Mountain, White Water Rafting, Black Bear Jamboree, Smoky Mountain Winery, The Incredible Christmas Place, Wears Valley, Cades Cove, Townsend, Petting Zoo, Muscle Car Museum, Nascar Speedpark, Biltmore House in North Carolina, plus many of the restaurants in the area.

The Pancake Pantry, which is across the road from Crown Park is a great place to eat, along with The Hard Rock Café, Fiddlers Feast, Alabama Grill, Dixie Stampede, Black Bear Jamboree where you get a dinner and show as you do at the Dixie Stampede, The Apple Barn, Legends, Maxwell’s Steak and Seafood, Fiddlers Feast,Corky’s, Golden Corral, Flapjacks, and this is just to name a few. There are far too many good eating places so just pick and choose—you can’t go wrong!

Head out of town and stop at some of the Mom and Pop restaurants. Their fixing’s can’t be beat!

I’ve written something of a journal on our stay in Gatlinburg. Lets’ go to east Tennessee for a week!

DAY ONE

After a drive of around four to five hours, we arrive at the Great Smoky Mountains Flea Market, which is directly off I40 east going towards Dollywood. It had been several years since we had stopped to look around; we had some time to kill so the flea market sounded like a good way to kill it. Within a couple of hours where we were constantly turning around on ourselves, we left without buying a thing. In other words, my short, stubby legs and dogs were barking.

Flea markets are a love of mine but I have to say I wasn’t impressed with this one. Either it has changed a lot or I have.

We were both glad to leave and head for our resort.

We arrived at the Crown Park Resort (866.844.9173), check in and wait on our oldest daughter, Melissa, and her husband, Dale to join us. They were spending the night and we were looking forward to their company. Their children were staying with their other grandmother so we were looking forward to adult conversation along with an evening of relaxation.

We had a three-bedroom villa with three full bathrooms, many amenities and it looks like we’re in for a good time.

While waiting for them, we sit on the balcony watching the traffic. We were facing the mountains and the view was absolutely breath taking. I sat rocking in my chair and thinking how I could actually live where we were.

I tell my husband the white Envoy that passed our resort looked a lot like Melissa and Dale’s vehicle. He looks at the car and says the woman is Missy. Without my glasses, I can’t tell so I have to take his word for it. Using my cell phone, I call to see if it is them and she says it is not.

The white Envoy has turned around and pulled into the resort so I ask Melissa if Dale has a red shirt on? She says he does. We look down at him in the car, wave and get a good laugh at them passing the place up. I suspected they didn’t want us to know they had passed the resort and were hoping to arrive without us knowing about their little goof.

You can’t always fool Mother Nature.

They settle in and we make a trip to the store for a few kitchen supplies and then come home. Melissa is starving as she’s not had anything since breakfast so without giving it a lot of thought we eat at the Texas Roadhouse where one of us (me) made a pig of ourselves but we won’t name any names.

Later on, we sit around the main dining room table and play Spades until we’re too sleepy to even blink.

My oldest daughter is not a morning person (neither am I). A bit of confusion arises on day two.

DAY TWO

I am up and ready for a nice breakfast. My husband is ready. My son-in-law, Dale, is ready. Melissa isn’t. Melissa is still in bed. I’m told she said for us to go on without her but we don’t get to spend a lot of time together and I think we should wait for her. Well, we wait, and wait, and wait some more.

My husband and Dale go to the parking garage where my husband shows him his new work car (a 2006 Toyota Corolla). I decide to walk down later and see what they’re up to? Nothing much, so I mention breakfast but Dale says he’s not going without Melissa. Sigh. I say, “I’m not going either.”

We head back to the room and wait some more.

Around 11 a.m. she comes into our main dining room and wonders why we’re still there? I tell her we are waiting on her. Ah so! My daughter is not happy. We are told she has been up for around 30 minutes and has been puttering around—-not knowing we are patiently waiting. We are informed she cannot read minds.

It doesn’t take a mind reader to know we goofed.

She marches to her bedroom and returns with clothes on, plops down at the dining room table and says she’s ready to go eat. For my daughter to go in public without her morning bath (and make-up) is cause for the nerves to rattle so while my nerves shake, rattle and roll, I timidly walk across the road to the pancake house where we indulge in some good old fattening food (which my hips loved).

The body has been fed which improves the spirits so we wind up walking the streets of Gatlinburg, looking at the new stuff and shaking our heads at the old. Some things just never change, and I find it rather comforting.

It was a hot day and we’re drooping before too long. Missy and Dale have to leave soon so we decide to head back to our resort so Melissa can get a bath before they pack up. Our resort is at the 8th red light, 404 Historic Nature Trail, which is somewhat uphill so by the time we reached our rooms, we were parched and whimpering like the whipped wimps we are. I should rephrase that as Melissa is in fairly good shape. It’s her old mother who isn’t, so she whimpered the loudest.

Dale received a phone call from home and it would seem the boys are trying to kill each other so before they do, Dale sets them straight, and before long they’ve headed for home. The condo is quiet so I work a few Sukodu puzzles, watch some TV and get to bed early.

My oldest sister, Shirley, is coming Monday and I need to be rested for her. Even after her cancer treatment, you have to be on your toes. She’s one woman who doesn’t let anything get her down.

DAY THREE

Shirley arrives along with her sense of humor and before the days end, she finds herself saddled with an extra husband she hadn’t planned on. One is far more than any sane woman needs but since breast cancer has ruled her life for the past year, she has learned to roll with the punches.

What was one more?

We are having a great time kidding around which pleases my husband since the kidding involves him. He has two women. I am wife number one (who is boss lady) and Shirl is wife number two (low woman on the totem pole who must obey wife number one at all times).

Once again, we hit the streets of Gatlinburg where we embarrass ourselves to no end. I suppose this first embarrassment was mine. At supper time we entered one of the local restaurants where we were asked how many were in our party? There are three of us but I open big mouth and say, “Four.”

There were only three of us standing there but she believed me when I said four. I tried to tell her I was kidding, there were only three in our party but due to the noise level, I don’t think she heard me.

Oh well. I might as well keep quiet since I’ve gone this far.

We were seated at a table for four, four menus are placed on the table and we order three drinks. The waitress asks what our fourth party would like? I turn to the empty chair and ask our invisible fourth person what he would like? I tell the waitress he’ll have a diet Coke.

She gives me a funny look but takes our order for four Cokes and leaves.

We decide our fourth party needs a name so we settle on Klem Kiddlehopper. She’s a young waitress and probably doesn’t have a clue as to who he is. We felt safe in choosing that name and we were right in our assumption.

Presently, she returns with our drinks and places them on our table. We say thank you and she leaves. A basket of rolls is placed before us so with gobs of butter, we dig in. Klem gives me permission to eat his share and I oblige.

Our waitress returns for our order. I order a medium-well steak with a loaded baked potato and salad. Shirley Jean orders the same. My husband orders his traditional hamburger with fries. He eats almost nothing but hamburgers and if the place doesn’t serve them, you can bet we’ll have to find somewhere that does.

I turn to Klem’s chair and ask him what he’ll have? Knowing my husband can eat two hamburgers, I tell the waitress we’d like another hamburger with fries. By this time, she’s not even looking at us.

Our orders were placed on the table, the steaks are perfect and we have little trouble cleaning our plates. Klem finished his also.

We can’t convince Klem to accept the check so my husband, being the gallant old man (excuse me, I mean young man) he is, takes charge and pays for our meal leaving a very nice tip. She deserved it as she kept all our Coke glasses filled, and yes, that included Klem’s (although, I don’t think he could have managed without my help), listened to us talking to an invisible Klem, and generally watched the antic’s of three idiot’s. Yep, I think she deserved her tip as some of our conversations with Klem had people at other tables either laughing or joining in on the conversation.

I have to say everyone found him to be pleasing company but one old floozy at the table to the right of us actually asked him out on a date! She said my husband had his hands full with two wives and she wanted to help ease our burden. While I thanked her kindly for her offer, I informed her Klem was leaving. He had only driven over from Oliver Springs (TN) to join us for a meal and his wife and kids were waiting for him at home.

She said it was a pity as he was such a nice looking man. She felt sure they would have a lot in common.

We managed to drag Klem away from his newfound friend and get out of there!

Once back at the Crown Park resort, we settled in for the night where Shirl and I planned a huge gab fest as long as our eyes could stay open which turned out to be around 11 p.m. Klem had left for home and my husband had gone to bed. We informed him having two wives did not mean access to territory he hadn’t visited in years. He was temporarily disappointed but as there was a ballgame on, and ballgames are far more important than any woman, he was satisfied.

DAY FOUR

It was time to hit the tourist traps and see what kind of junk we didn’t already possess. I make my own quilts so it was interesting to see what they had to offer. My advice here is to please not buy any of their quilts as their stitches are too far apart and will not hold up over time (any time). We rarely found a quilt of excellent quality.

The Arts and Crafts Community was an all day affair, or could be if you let it, so I’m going to save it for a review on Gatlinburg.

We decided to visit the Apple Barn, which is a cider and general store in Sevierville (TN). The Applewood Restaurant is to die for so if you are ever close to one, do stop in for a visit.

Free samples of wine are offered so we indulged and after two samples, I had to pass. Most wines do not taste very good to me. During a trip to Scotland a few years ago, I found the $2 bottle of wine SUPERIOR to any I’ve had since. I have been told wine is an acquired taste and to date, I’ve not acquired it. My husband and sister haven’t acquired it either so we left without buying a bottle.

We didn’t leave empty handed though. The general store had a few items we loved so they wound up in the trunk of our car. My husband loaded up on their popcorn as he’s a popcorn fanatic. Football (all ballgames), hamburgers, and popcorn are the loves of his life.

We had one more stop of the day before heading back to our villa and crashing. The older you get, the sooner you crash and we were on our last legs. Since my legs are short and stubby, it doesn’t take them long to tire.

We did park at our villa and walked down to the Pepper Palace at the Mountain Mall.

I am a woman who likes spicy food. I am married to a man who prefers bland food. After our visit to the Pepper Palace, I may have changed my food preferences.

Many samples of their pepper spices are available for tasting before you buy. This is a neat sales gimmick as it gives you an idea as to how hot or mild your sauce is. I was sampling away and only finding mild spices/sauces.

I asked one of the associates behind the counter if they had anything hotter? They showed me a bowl and said to dip my pretzel in it for a taste. I did. Not bad! As I dipped my pretzel in for an even bigger bite, I asked if they didn’t have anything hotter? They told me that was their hottest and the taste would kick in after a few seconds.

Before he was finished talking, tears were in my eyes, steam was coming from my ears, I was panting, gasping, flapping my arms, and as God is my witness, my mouth was on fire!

My sister told me later she’s been in there many times before as her youngest son loves the hot sauce and she buys it for him. She’s seen it bring grown men to their knees. I thanked her for warning me but won’t tell you how I thanked her.

I ran out of the Mall as I knew there had to be some place where I could get something to drink. I left my husband and sister in my dust as I frantically hoofed it to the nearest watering hole. The store probably had something for fools such as I but at the time, it didn’t occur to me and besides they were laughing their fool heads off and I’d have died before asking.

Come to think of it, I almost did. Die, that is.

With two laughing jackasses on my tail, I managed to burst into a Wendy’s or some place like that, opened my purse, threw down a handful of paper money, then just threw my purse at her and told her she could have it. I needed something to drink! NOW!

She asked the laughing jackasses behind me if I’d been inside the Pepper Palace and they told her yes. I had already left the counter and was chugging down Coke faster than a running creek after a huge storm. I was still on fire. I figured I was going to die. Now, I don’t mind dying, but would prefer it without my mouth burning and my a** catching! If I had my druthers, I’d druther die in my sleep but something tells me I’m not going to get my druthers. God has his plan for me and I’ll just have to wait and see.

The young girl behind the counter hands me a packet of sour cream and tells me to eat it. I’m willing to try anything once so I gobbled it down but the old mouth was still on fire. I had to be greedy and eat two huge helpings of the hot sauce so I had twice the fun. NOT!

Now, I’m here to tell you that store was empty when we went in, there may have been one or two customers but basically, it was empty. After I burst in, half of Gatlinburg showed up!

FREE ENTERTAINMENT FOR ONE AND ALL! WATCH THE FIRE BREATHING DRAGON AS SHE BLOWS OFF STEAM

There is no need to pay for a freak show. Come on in and I’ll entertain you!

I did a lot of heavy breathing for them, hiccupping, slurping, drooling, nose wiping, ice sucking, and had I the breath, a few curses may have been uttered (it’s a good thing my Mom lives 3 hours away so she’d not hear me…I may have had more than a blistered tongue).

Time does march on, so gradually (very gradually, very, very gradually), the fire in my mouth became a hot ember, no damage was done to my vocal chords and I was able to squeak a little.

The first thing I wanted to do was cold-cock the salesman who tried to burn me up but then as my laughing jackasses gleefully pointed out, I did ask if they had anything hotter? Ask and ye shall receive. I just have to be more specific in my requests.

If anyone wants to visit the Pepper Palace, it’s located at 611 Parkway Mountain Mall, Suite D-10, Gatlinburg, TN. 37738 or call 1-800-684-3358 or feel free to even email them, pepper@pepperpalace.com.

Be warned…do not ask if they have anything hotter? They will give you a sample.

As you can imagine the rest of my day was shot, so with my tongue swollen to twice its size, no appetite, and with a couple of jackasses helping me to walk, we called it a day and headed for the villa where I crashed.

DAY FIVE

Shirley has to go home this day but she’s not leaving until around 1 or 1:30 so we have time to ramble around some more. We eat breakfast at a pancake house but we leave Klem back in Oliver Springs. We are now back to playing one husband with his two wives. Either we are good actors or there are a lot of gullible people in the world.

My sister, Shirl, and I suffer from Menieres (vertigo). Several days before she joined us in Gatlinburg, Shirl had an attack and while trying to make it to her bed and lie down, she passed out in the living room hitting the right side of her face on the coffee table or some article of furniture. She was never sure. Her husband, Bill, was home, so due to her recently completing radiation for breast cancer, her diabetes, and other health issues and the fact that she was unconscious, she was taken to the ER. The right side of her face was black and she had a huge knot on her cheekbone, which interfered with her sight.

She wasn’t sure she was going to make it to Gatlinburg while we were there but after a few days, she decided she’d come on. She’s lost all her hair so she wears a hat when in public. The entire right side of her face and neck was mostly black with a few colors thrown in for enhancement. She’s still a beautiful woman but between the cancer and her run-in with a hard object, you could tell she was going through a rough spell.

We don’t really have a lot of time to gander around so we stick close to our area of town. While walking down our street, one of the towns hawkers (and I think this needs to be eliminated) grabs my husband’s attention (he’s easily grabbed) by offering him free tickets to a show plus $150 if we’ll walk through their resort. It’s my policy to say No, Thank You and keep walking. It’s my husbands policy to stop and listen. He’s been left many times and then has to look for me. To date, he’s always found me. Sigh.

Shirl stops and listens with by husband so naturally, I stop as I don’t want to lose her or have her to try to find me.

The man looks at my sister and asks her if she’s over 70? I’m glad my bladder was empty. She looks at the man and says, “For that smart a** remark, it’ll cost you $200 for me to walk through your resort.”

There was a woman sitting on the front porch of the area where the man caught my husband’s attention and this cracked her up. Shirl and the man had some verbal sparring before we walked away. Later on, we ran into people in stores who had heard about this encounter and I guess by Shirl’s facial features, they knew it was she and stopped to talk to her. She was the hit of the day and their hero!

OK, so she was insulted but we turned the tables and had fun with it.

Things were about to get worse.

I see this cute plaque in a store that says I LOVE MY PUG (Shirl’s owned Pug’s off and on all her life but hasn’t had one for a couple of years now) so I walk in to buy it for her.

I place my purchase on the counter and being the friendly sort, I do my thing and start chatting away. I can do this in my neck of the woods as they understand my English and I understand theirs.

Shirley Jean is standing next to me and the sales person asks if she’s my mother?

Oh yes, it’s a very good thing my bladder is empty! Now, you know we’re not about to let that go so once the poor sales woman realizes her mistake and is all apologetic, we (I) get a huge laugh out of it. Shirley has a birthday coming up on September 11 and she’s four years older than I am (are you reading this Shirl) so while it did make my day, it didn’t hers.

She bounced back, though, and we had more fun. I started calling her Mom and she started acting like one, which meant she started treating me like an idiot child. I don't think all mother's are like that. She was an exception to the rule.

There are no musicians in the streets of Gatlinburg as there are in Nashville so I didn’t get to request RUNNING BEAR, sing along with the singer, and dance in the streets but I did get to walk behind my over 70 year old Mommy and whine.

Life can’t get any better!

It’s time for Shirley to load up and head for Virginia. We’ve had some great fun and we’re going to miss each other but we know our next time together will be just as memorable. We are good at making memories together. I understand her and she understands me. No matter how stupid the other person acts or the stupid things they do or say, we know we’re connected and always will be. Best of all, we can laugh and go on.

DAY SIX

Today it’s me and my husband. He looks at me and I look at him. Lets go to Cades Cove and Townsend for the day? We’ve been there so many times before, it’s not like they’ve moved a mountain on us or anything but hey, it beats twiddling our thumbs.

I find a few pieces of jewelry I like and then run into a newbie named Dave Neamand from Ohio who designs exquisite jewelry. I ordered a special pin for my DUVCW organization, which can be worn as either a pin or necklace. Our next meeting is in November and he promised to have my order, in my hand, by November 1, 2006.

We take the scenic route around Cades Cove, see two bears and several deer. We pass the old church where we took shelter a few years ago when my friend, Mutt, was here from Scotland to get out of a heavy rain. There was a bunch of us riding on the back of my brothers pick-up truck, getting wet, so he pulled over and we all ran for cover. Mutt isn’t used to our wildlife (hummingbirds also scared her) so the bat that was living inside the church wasn’t what she was expecting. I really don’t think the bat was expecting her either.

Overall, our day turned out to be good but rather long. We were late getting back to our villa, so by the time, we finished packing and loading in the car, we were ready to call it a night.

As I drove home yesterday (yes, I have to do all the driving), it occurred to me I needed a vacation from vacation so today I am just washing clothes and doing a bit of writing. The yard needs mowing but I can’t seem to find the energy. Mowing my yard constitutes three and a half to four hours and while all I do is ride my mower, I can’t seem to find the will to do so.

Do I hear anyone offering to help?

©ddustyrose August 27, 2006

Here's the link to Bryan's W/O, so go have some fun!

http://www0.epinions.com/content_4804485252

You may find my review on Scotland interesting.
Scotland



Recommended: Yes

Best Suited For: Families
Best Time to Travel Here: Anytime