Please dump on my hometown.
Written: May 17 '04 (Updated Mar 29 '05)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: People think it sucks here.
Cons: People might hear it's really kinda nice here.
The Bottom Line: Please don't come to Houston. I've got a good thing going here.
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| reefmonkey's Full Review: Houston |
Look at the review above mine. Look at the review below mine. They are reviewing my hometown, and chances are, they are both tearing it to shreds. You see, I live in Houston, TX, the most reviled of the ten largest cities in the United States. The New York Times has called it "The Armpit of America." No one writes catchy songs about Houston, and the only TV show that took place here totally sucked.
Yes, I have heard all the reasons why people hate Houston: The traffic is terrible. It is hot and humid most of the year. It rains most of the year. It is horribly polluted. It is filled with manufactured-theme chain restaurants. It is sprawling and ugly. There is nothing to do in Houston. There is a lot more, but I only have limited time. To every person who has shouted every one of those complaints, I say you are absolutely right. Oh, wait, I totally remembered another one. The homeless people. Yeah, they make it suck even worse. Houston sucks, I assure you, you don't want to come here, you don't want to live here.
There's one more thing. Not only was I born in Houston, I still live here.
"But, wait, wait," you say. "if it is all that, why do you still live there, Mark? Are you a total uneducated loser who couldn't ever get out of town?" No, I have a Masters degree, and I left Houston for school, but when I finished, I came back, and have had job opportunities around the country since then. And to forestall any other questions, no, I am not a momma's boy, nor am I on probation.
I live in Houston because I like it here, I think it's a nice place to live, and that it has an unfairly negative image. "But if you love Houston so much, why do you want people to bash it?" Just chill, why don't you, I'm getting to that.
Yes, Houston has a terrible reputation, and I want to keep it that way. "Why?" Because I don't want anyone to visit, and I sure as hell don't want anyone to move here. Because Houston is underrated, people don't flock here, and so the good things about Houston remain cheap and accessible. "Good things? I thought there weren't any good things about Houston." Well, okay, there are some good things about Houston, and if you'll keep it on the DL, I'll tell you what they are, and at the same time why the bad points everyone harps about aren't so bad as they make them sound:
The Heat and Humidity
Let me tell you I love hot weather, and I hate cold weather, so Houston is just right to me. It doesn't get as hot as, say, Tucson, but I never bought into that "It's a dry heat" garbage anyway. 114 in the shade is hot, no matter how bone dry it is. I did a little research to see if Houston's weather is as bad as people say, compared to New York and LA.
Houston: 208 days sunny, 46" rain, Jan 63/45, Jul 94/75
NY: 232 days sunny, couldn't find rain, but let's assume it is less than Houston's. Jan 39/26, Jul 85/70
LA: Couldn't find sunny days and rain, but I think we can say that LA has more sunny days than Houston. Jan 68/48, Jul 85/66
OK, both New York and LA get more sun and less rain than Houston, and neither gets as hot. Wow, Houston's weather is pretty bad. But wait a second, look at New York's lowest temp on record: negative 4!. Houston's lowest temp on record is positive 10. Yes, LA gets much less rain than Houston does, but with that comes massive brush fires and water rationing. And when it does rain, it causes destructive mudslides. And what are those things called earthquakes, anyway?
As I said before, I like the heat. I'm an outdoorsy guy, I hate to be cold, and if I do get tired of the heat, I can always go into my air conditioned car, or air conditioned house, or air conditioned office. And I've never had to shovel snow.
It Rains All The Time
Well, I think I've covered that it rains a lot, but not as much as Seattle, and the rain keeps my grass green and water coming from my faucet.
The Pollution
Ok, I have a masters in Environmental Science and worked in the environmental consulting industry, so I think I can speak with authority on this. I can tell you the EPA never called Houston the most polluted city in America. For a few years we had the most number of ozone nonattainment days in America, and the always unreliable media misinterpreted these results, but, our particulate matter is very low, and PM is more dangerous than ozone to human health anyway. And by the way, I do believe Los Angeles has once again surpassed Houston for most ozone nonattainment days. As long as you don't come here and drive your car around, we should be able to stay below LA. Our water quality is just about as good as you would expect for any big city, and LA and New York have much much worse water quality. We do have a lot of oil refineries in the area, but most of them are located southeast of the city, in Pasadena, and the stillness of our weather patterns keeps the pollution localized in that part of town. Besides, so what if parts of Houston are polluted? The average person cannot tell that we have some pollution. Our air doesn't have the brown tinge that LA smog has, and it doesn't smell, except for around Pasadena. If you really want to experience Southeast Texas pollution so you can gripe to your friends back in Peoria, go out to Pasadena. Just take Hwy 225 south until you start seeing lots of bald children playing in the streets, you can't miss it.
The Traffic
Have you ever driven in LOS ANGELES? How about WASHINGTON DC? ATLANTA? NEW YORK? I've driven in all of these cities, and Houston's traffic is nothing compared to these. One thing I like about Houston traffic is that so many people just blindly follow the main thoroughfare from point A to point B, and seem to ignore the fact that there are usually 5 or 6 different ways to get to any one place, leaving those alternative routes clear for me. And unlike the other metropolitan areas I mentioned, in Houston, if you do get stuck on a freeway, we have exits every mile, so you can get off and go an alternate route. Yes, our surface roads suck. We have a really wet, unstable geology called the Beaumont Formation (gumbo to lay people) with a high water table that makes it impossible to have basements and causes potholes. And the Houston City Government does a terrible job of keeping up with them. They wait until most of the roads are undriveable and then tear them all up at once. Thank god I know lots of alternate routes. And thank God for term limits. Lee Brown is the worst mayor we ever had, but Bill White is now in office and he's doing a lot to right old wrongs.
The Restaurants
Houston does have chain restaurants on every corner, from decent Pappas spinoffs to the absolutely horrible Landry's family of restaurants. But tucked in between them, are some of the best restaurants in the country. Houston is an international city, and along with the old-school bbq, the latinos brought us Tex Mex and the large vietnamese community brought us diarrhea. No, just kidding, I love Vietnamese food, just don't eat at a certain unnamed restaurant/Bakery at McGowan and Milam in Little Saigon. Conde Nast Traveler Magazine listed us as having one of the best restaurant scenes in the country, and we have some of America's best chefs, like Monica Pope, but because you don't want to visit Houston, I can walk into almost any of the finest restaurants in Houston on a Friday evening without a reservation and be seated within 30 minutes. Thank you for that.
Nothing To Do
No, we aren't a tourist oriented town, and I hope we stay that way. Be do have space center houston -whoopee! Seriously, though, we have the largest theatre district, with more seats than anywhere but New York, but I can always get tickets to the hottest road show or the latest Edward Albee premiere. Don't come here and sit in my seat.
Houston also has some really great museums, including the Menil Collection, that was rated one of the best private art collections in the country. Oh, did I mention it is free?
Houston is also very close to Galveston Island, and I can leave my house near Downtown Houston and be at my beach house on the more remote end of Galveston Island in about an hour. Yes, the beach on the east end of the island where all the tourists go is ugly and overshadowed by a giant seawall to prevent hurricanes, but my house is on stilts outside of the seawall where the beach is as pretty as most beaches, along, say, South Carolina. Yes, the beach sometimes has tar on it, and no, that is not from oil spills. It is weathered oil from natural petroleum seeps on the shallow Gulf seafloor that occasionally floats to shore. Trust me, I'm an environmental scientist, I know and I care. Yes, the water is brownish green. No, this is not because of pollution. It is because the entire island of Galveston was created by a buildup of silt coming out of the rivers that empty out into the Gulf. It is that silt which gives it that color. We actually have much cleaner beaches than California or Atlantic City or Long Island, NY. And anyway, when I take my boat just five miles offshore, the water becomes a gin-clear caribbean blue.
The Ugly
Name a major US city that is pretty. OK, New York's glittering skyline at night may be beautiful, but so is Houston's. Most cities are ugly with pockets of pretty and Houston is no exception. Houston does have some very beautiful neighborhoods right in town, and many others in the suburbs. Houston is also surrounded by dense pine forest, so it stays green all year round. (another good point to all that rain). And yes, Houston is flat. Is that a bad thing? I used to have a manual transmission and rarely had to set the parking break. Plus, the numerous creeks and bayous add topographical relief, so it is not entirely accurate to say Houston is flat.
The Homeless
Okay, I tried to think of something nice, but they really do suck. There is this one really nice guy, though, who lives on the grassy esplanade in the middle of Montrose Boulevard, and whenever I go to Niko Nikos I bring him an extra souvlaki and a traveler of Jim Beam. He tells me great stories. I can't really tell you what they are about, because I think he is speaking Esperanto.
The Houston Police
Okay, something nice about the Houston Police...oh, I know. Let's say you are a nice polo-wearing upper class white boy and are tired of your black friends saying that you don't don't know what it's like to have your civil rights abused. Fear not, the Houston Police are equal-opportunity Civil Rights abusers. They will arrest you for walking out of a K-Mart on a Saturday night and charge you with street racing, even if you drive a Buik station wagon. They also have a crime lab so messed up the state had to overturn several convictions solely because the forensic evidence was processed in the HPD crime lab.
So that's it. That's why I choose to live in such a vilified city. That, and we have some of the lowest priced housing of any major metropolitan area in the country, and if more people started moving here, real estate prices would go up. I'll have enough saved for a downpayment on a really nice house by August 2005 so please don't move here.
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Note: Thie review was written for proxam's Hometown W/O. His rules are below:
"The theme of this W/O is My Hometown, everybody's got one of those.
It could be the town you were born in, grew up in, or moved to and now call home. Simple, eh?
The rules are.....there are none. You could pick one particular facet of your town - an overall guide, an attraction, a hotel, a restaurant, a... you get the picture."
Recommended:
Yes
Best Suited For: Families
Best Time to Travel Here: Anytime
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Epinions.com ID:
reefmonkey
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Location: Houston, TX
Reviews written: 4
Trusted by: 6 members
About Me:
Environmental scientist born in 1976. Male.
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