A Sex-Filled Day For The Entire Family
Written: Jul 21 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Free admission
Cons: Animals in captivity
The Bottom Line: A must-see destination on your visit to St. Louis
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| Hard_To_Please's Full Review: St. Louis Zoo |
Naked in St. Louis: Three inches of hot-dog shaped, hairless, wrinkled, pink flesh seeking companion with powerful jaws willing to let me into your tunnel.
The sex-trade industry is booming at the St. Louis Zoo. Everywhere you look are plaques describing the zoo’s focus on breeding programs and reproduction efforts. Employees take great pleasure in pointing out biitches in heat and dominant queens, a skill undoubtedly honed at the sleazy nightclubs across the highway. The St. Louis Zoo has in fact successfully mated many species which have failed to reproduce at other zoos and is particularly known for its’ success with cheetahs. (The creature that placed the personal ad above will be revealed later.)
I have mixed feelings about zoos. On the one hand, I applaud their efforts to prevent endangered species from becoming extinct. On the other hand, I abhor the practice of removing an animal from the wild and dooming it to a life in captivity. I share this with you simply to help you understand the perspective from which I am conducting a tour of the St. Louis Zoo.
GENERAL
The St. Louis Zoo is located in Forest Park and covers 90 acres. It is one of very few world-class zoos where admission is absolutely free, although certain exhibits do require an admittance fee. Over 700 species of animals are housed at the zoo and you can visit them year-round in an environment consistently rated as one of the best in the world.
The zoo began as an exhibit at the 1904 World’s Fair and was formally established in 1916. I’ve been visiting for 30 years and am quite impressed with the constant attention to improvement. It seems that the older and uglier I get, the more modern and attractive the zoo becomes- as a matter of fact, on my last visit I noticed at least one baboon who was better looking than me.
1904 WORLD’S FAIR FLIGHT CAGE
This huge (228ft X 84ft X 50ft) walk-through cage was built nearly a hundred years ago for the World’s Fair and was the catalyst for the formation of the zoo. The free flight aviary contains both large birds (flamingos, cranes, and herons) and small birds (doves, partridges, and canaries.) Of course the big birds of prey are housed elsewhere, although I think it would be a lot more exci…er, educational to witness a pair of six-inch talons rip into the quail you were admiring just moments before. (“Don’t cry Suzie, he’s just massaging the little bird.”)
BIRD HOUSE
This is where you’ll find the colorful macaws, Great Indian hornbills, African pygmy falcons, and many other tropical beauties. The lush plantings sometimes make it hard to see them, but if you look hard enough, you’ll eventually spot all the inhabitants. Nearly invisible, super-thin, vertical steel wires keep you separate from the birds- it’s not known how many of them have made escape attempts only to end up sliced like a boiled egg. What is known is that there will always be an idiot next to you trying to get the wild birds to talk.
BIRD GARDEN AND WATERFOWL LAKES
Two acres of forest and five acres of lakes make an idyllic setting for over 65 different species of ducks, geese, swans, pelicans and peacocks. Arched bridges allow you to walk over the lakes and get close to the action- which consists mainly of waterfowl shoving their butts skyward while they fish. I’ve learned that duck @ss can be quite appealing, which is probably why Donald Duck never wore pants.
Also in this section of the zoo are six large aviaries holding the big birds of prey. Did you know that since certain species of hawks cannot cool down by perspiring, they pee all over their legs in order to cool off? I was pretty impressed since the one time I tried it, it had exactly the opposite affect!
HERPETARIUM
Many first-time visitors are delighted that the zoo runs a treatment clinic for the most common of STD’s and you can see the disappointment on their faces when they enter the Herpetarium only to realize it’s just a building with a bunch of reptiles and amphibians- 450 to be exact. The building is divided into four climates (cloud forest, temperate, tropical rain forest, and desert) where indoor/outdoor yards of trees and waterfalls serve as living quarters for the world’s most ancient animals.
Gigantic anacondas, boas, and pythons attract the most attention, but you should also check out the Galapagos tortoise, alligators, frogs, and Komodo dragons. (As movie-star Sharon Stone’s husband learned last month, it is not a good idea to insert your bare foot into a Komodo’s mouth- obviously Sharon didn’t marry him for his intellect.)
ANTELOPE HOUSE
The St. Louis Zoo claims to have one of the finest collections of hoofed mammals in the nation. A 300-ft.-long overlook allows visitors to peer into huge moated geographical formations housing gazelle, giraffe, zebra, and camels. Too run-of-the-mill for you? Then check out the okapi, addax, bongo, kudu, and miniature buffalo. The climax comes upon discovering that you can derive as much pleasure from an encounter with a tiny dik-dik as from a giant peccary- a fact I’ve always hoped to be true.
BEAR PITS
Five grottos molded from limestone and boasting waterfalls, fountains, and pools are home to polar bears, grizzly bears, Kamchatka bears, brown bears, spectacled bears and Malaysian sun bears.
Only a deep moat separates you from these huge carnivores and they seem to be enjoying themselves, but I take issue with the zoo’s description of the enclosures as ‘spacious’. I suppose it’s a relative term and the grottos are far better than a cage, but I doubt these majestic creatures who range for hundreds of miles in the wild would consider 2000 sq. ft. to be ‘spacious’- nor would the zookeeper after being forced to share the space with three ‘playful’ polar bears. (“Don’t cry Suzie, they’re just massaging the little man.”)
BIG CAT COUNTRY
Once again, the zoo describes the yards for the lions, tigers, leopards, pumas, and jaguars as ‘spacious’ and once again I disagree. Since I haven’t been to any other zoos, I may be fooling myself by believing that cages for the King of the Beasts are no longer used anywhere. It’s depressing enough to view these sleek, muscular cats pacing in their little yards- I can’t conceive that any zoo would actually cage Simba and his relatives. If such places still exist then I’ll concede that Big Cat Country is a major improvement.
The idiot you saw earlier prodding the wild macaws to ask for a cracker can also be relied upon to ‘roar’ incessantly at a sleeping lion. I have somehow always managed to walk away just before my fantasy of pushing him over the railing becomes reality.
THE RIVER’S EDGE
Opened in 1999 at a cost of $9.8 million, these open living-quarters provide a natural environment for elephants, cheetahs, and hyenas. As with everything else I’ve described as ‘natural’, it’s all relative to an animal accustomed to wandering in an area a hundred times larger. But after having spent decades becoming depressed at watching sad, bored elephants chained to a concrete floor by all four legs and reduced to repetitive rocking and low grumbling, I must admit that I’m overjoyed to finally see them trotting around free and trumpeting in joy.
The star attraction of The River’s Edge- of the entire zoo, actually- is 8 yr.-old Raja. The only male in the herd and the first elephant born at the zoo, attracts thousands of visitors every year for his birthday party. As he stomps on his gigantic birthday cake and plays with his new toys, it’s hard not to want to take the little tike home with you.
The front page of a recent edition of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch screamed the big news that a sex partner has just been brought in for Raja. The concern is that she’s a much older woman; 29 years to his 8 years, as a matter of fact. In human terms, that’s the equivalent of an 18 yr.-old stud doing the nasty with a deeply wrinkled retiree. Because Raja’s leathery hide already puts Bob Hope to shame, it’s not the wrinkles that the zoo is concerned about. Since Raja’s never been around a bull elephant, he has yet to develop the social skills necessary to woo Ellie. But the major potential hindrance is a pronounced difference in height. Having dated a 40 yr.-old when I was 17, I would advise Raja to wear hiking boots with three-inch soles and pretend to be a huge fan of Elvis Presley since it did the trick for me.
JUNGLE OF THE APES
Until 1977, monkeys and apes were all kept in the fifty year-old Primate House. It was big news when they decided to separate the apes from the monkeys (monkeys have tails, apes do not.) I am fairly satisfied with the gorilla area since they actually have an outside yard with real grass and trees. But entering the chimpanzee quarters bums me out in a major way. They live within concrete walls on a concrete floor and have no access to the outside. There aren’t enough fake trees and hanging tires in the world to make this a fun place to live. Fortunately, they will be getting a new home in 2003. (See ‘Future Exhibits’ below.)
The zoo proudly proclaims that it provides a ‘stimulating’ environment to facilitate ape breeding, but at the same time boasts about keeping a group of teenage males who are capable of breeding, but ‘not yet needed’, separate from the females. Now I’m no psychologist, but I’ve seen enough prison movies to know that locking up a group of horny males apart from females leads to trouble when one of them bends to pick up the soap or a banana.
FUTURE EXHIBITS
The Fragile Forest
As I happily stated above, the chimps and orangutans will move into outdoor quarters sometime in 2003. I predict that by that time the teenage males will be so enamored of bananas that they will not even attempt to flirt with the females and will prefer to spend their days dropping the soap.
Penguin and Puffin Coast
Slated to be unveiled next year, this exhibit will feature two inside yards with underground viewing and contain almost 200 birds. King, Gentoo, Rockhopper, and Humbolt penguins from the Southern Hemisphere will play in pools alongside puffins from the Northern Hemisphere. The zoo promises that I’ll be delighted to witness the birds dive into massive mounds of shrimp in a feeding frenzy, but the last time my date did the same thing at Red Lobster I was actually rather disgusted.
EXHIBITS CHARGING ADMITTANCE
Sea Lion Show
For $2.50 each, you and the kiddies can marvel at sea lions doing belly dives, throwing a Frisbee, and playing with their balls. Since I had a roommate in college who spent his entire day doing exactly the same thing, I’ve never felt the need to pay for this show.
Insectarium
For $4.00 each, you can visit this building containing more than 100 species of live insects. I couldn’t figure out why I was starving after my last tour of the Insectarium, but then it finally dawned on me. I’ve watched one too many episodes of the insipid show ‘Fear Factor’ on which contestants must gobble down live crickets, worms, and roaches each week. What a crock- everyone knows that real men eat insects that fight back- like black widow spiders and hornets.
Children’s Zoo
For $4.00 each, you are welcome in the Children’s Zoo. This is the one exhibit in which you are actually encouraged to feed the inhabitants and features cage after cage of small children from around the world.
I hope I haven’t offended Sally Struthers with my little joke since the Children’s Zoo is actually a fun place to take the little ones. Activities include sliding down a chute through the otter pool with otters swimming all about, climbing on gigantic spiderwebs, and getting hands-on experience with rabbits, turtles, and guinea pigs.
This is also the home of the animal that wrote the personal ad I opened my review with- the naked mole rat. The zoo is accurate in its’ description of these fascinating animals- they do indeed look like three inch furless hot dogs with buck teeth. Clear acrylic tubes allow you to watch colonies of these disgusting creatures excavating tunnels with their powerful jaws and the interaction of workers and soldiers as they vie for the attention of one dominant queen. I couldn’t get over how bored she looked lying around having sex while the males do all the work. I pray that I’m not the only man who is all-too-familiar with that same look.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
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MARK IS MISSED!
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