How to play like Dargen and make your opponent scream
Dec 15 '00
DISCLAIMER- This is a review strictly about how you can play like me. If you want to know about racquet tech, here it is. Get a light one, they're easier to throw. Now for what we messed up reviewers are waiting for...
In order to play like Dargen you must think like Dargen. All opponents must be destroyed. Walk onto the court with your head high and show how much you suck in warmups. This will make your opponent think that you suck, and they won't have to put much effort into the game. This concept will win you a point or two, it depends on how stupid the person is.
Always allow the other person to serve first, you will learn more about how they play and what their weaknesses are. Play on the defense and don't look too good. Try to win your point after a bunch of deuces in a row. You'll be able to wear out the person and they will begin to slow.
My serve. I have a messed up serve, it has a slice. To serve like me, go to the baseline and walk about five feet behind the line. To serve like me you must study the Williams' sisters and learn their ways. Always toss the ball up so that you have to reach for it when you are slamming it over the net. Toss the ball and serve. If you have succeeded in being like me you should have hit the outside corner of the box with tremendous speeds, scaring the shittery out of your opponent. Continue this and proceed through the point until you win it. I you do not win the first 2 out of 3 points you will lose. On one or two rare occasions I have battled back from a 5-1 deficit to a 7-5 win.
Consider your backhand your strongest part of your game. Most people that I have encountered have hit the ball to my backhand figuring that it sucks, but were shocked when they saw it clear the net only by a few inches and come hurdling back at them with awesome speeds.
Learn to lob. One of the hardest parts of the game besides serving is learning the overhead. This is basically the serve while trying to hit a ball that has been hit high by the other person. Learn this, practice this, and execute it. If you never learn this you will die.
DOUBLES GOD DARGEN
I took up doubles in my sophomore year of high school. I had finally figured out my serve and was working to rebuild my backhand after a wrist injury that forced me to learn the one handed backhand.
My partner, who we will call Shorty, knew that the net was mine, and usually guarded the baseline. Normally, the ideal doubles match has both people up at the net, but with my "towering" 5 foot 8 figure nothing got past my reach. Volleys should be hit at angles and never at the person. Do not be afraid, stare the person in the eye, it will scare them.
OVERHEADS AT THE NET
This is the ideal place to hit the overhead. A high lob landing close to the net should be hit as hard as you can and straight at the person across from you. In my two years of JV (I refuse to talk about V) I hit girls in the face, legs, feet, stomach, arms, and make one girl twist her ankle. In a match in my sophomore year I had two girls running to the baseline screaming she's gonna cream it. When this happens you tap it over. If you want to pi$$ them off, hit it so hard that it hits the ground and flies over the fence. You'll get responses like "Now how can I hit that?" "Oh my GOD!" and "We're gonna die!" If they run off take a break and pick your nose. Save the boogs and feed them to your dogs,
SERVE RETURNS
Serves are hit at an angle towards you. They say you should hit it cross court, but there is no point to that. Hit the ball directly at the person across from you. Girls scream and duck. Some even run. I call those pansies. Do not be afraid to kick A$$!
WHEN THE OTHER PERSON CHEATS
Cheating to me is called bad calls. My freshman year a girl called every line shot and all shots withing 2 feet out. I stared at her for a while, walked back to my spot and served. With no intention to get the ball in, I nailed the girl square in the chest. She never cheated again. (true story) Another way to handle your anger in at the net, which I have written above.
YOUR ACTIONS DURING THE GAME
Hit yourself repeatedly after screwing up. This strikes fear into your opponent and they will fear for their safety. This makes them more likely to blow the game.
Swear constantly. If they complain, blame your racquet and start to refer to yourself in the third person.
Chase animals around the court. Kill bugs, squirrels, and any other moving animal that comes on the court. DO NOT WASTE THE CORPSE. Eat it, some opponents vomit easily.
CONCLUSION
1. Strike fear into your enemy.
2. Hit them repeatedly with the ball.
3. Do weird things and try to make your enemy sick.
4. Never lose.
If you follow these four simple rules, you too can someday become like Dargen.
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