(Note: this is part of the Great Assimilation Writeoff. See info at the end.)

Well, first, my dear new subjects, I mean, citizens, of the USA, be calm. We here in the USofA have always regarded Canada as one of our own states, you know. We just have to change a few things. Or rather, YOU have to change; we'll just continue as is.

Here they are.

The first thing is, you'll have to get rid of that dead language, French. It's for sissies. Lots of you really didn't like it anyway, did you?

Here in America--and I emphasize, only the United States constitutes America--we speak only English and not all that well. Though there are attempts by the descendants of the first European settlers in America, and one of our dear neighbors, to continue using their native language, we just ignore them. Who needs more languages? Let the world come to us. America rules!

Along with the language, the whole idea of Quebec separatism has to stop. Let the British Empire break apart. We won't divest ourselves of anything. We have amply demonstrated our ability to quash dissent and secessionists, so I hope the LeTourneaus and their ilk understand the deal now. We'll be sending someone from the Army to chat with those Natives of yours who think they can run their own province. What the eh! It worked for us in the 19th Century.

You'll also have to get over the idea that having 1.8 persons per square mile constitutes crowding. Think along the lines of New York City, Chicago and Los Angeles.

I'll refrain from snow jokes because we do, after all, have the feelings of the 14 people who live in North Dakota to consider. But perhaps Canada could be turned into one giant Snow Theme Park in the winter, which I understand runs from late August to June.

To help you adjust to life as an American, you can expect to see more U.S.-based TV shows, magazines and newspapers in your provinces. Of course, lots of Hollywood show biz and media people are Canadian anyway, so you won't feel completely lost.

You can keep your pre-eminence in hockey. We really don't care about it that much about it down here. You will have to show more interest in baseball and football, and we'll be explaining how to set up high school marching bands and Friday night scholastic football, and scholarships for football-playing college "scholar-athletes" real soon.

At least you people drive on the correct side of the road, so we won't have to fix that problem. We will be renaming the Alcan Highway the All-American Way. Since we won't need to worry about causing an international incident, you should stand by for large shipments of oil to head down your highways because WE NEED IT.

This low-key Canadian approach to life will have to go, though. You'll have to join more peace-keeping missions, raise your profile at the U.N., butt into the affairs of, say, Iceland, and so on. And there is that little matter of the anti-war Americans who skipped out on their God-given duty to shoot up Vietnam and headed North. We'll be sending the MP's (that's Military Police, not Members of Parliament) up to bring them home, so you won't have to deal with them anymore.

No more standing around saying "eh" when your dollar won't go very far in the U.S. No more bragging about your superior health system, which means, too, those older Americans who are crossing the border from New England to buy cheaper prescriptions will stop coming. They'll just have to get jobs at Wal-Mart to pay for their medicine. Speaking of Wal-Mart, you can expect a lot more arriving in your little villages, so be prepared.

We're still working on what to call Canadian ham and Canadian style football, but trust us, the change won't be too difficult.

Since we don't want to sound bossy or anything, we are willing to give the former Canadians something of their own to control. Therefore, we cede Buffalo, upper Idaho and Detroit to our new provinces.

What this writeoff is all about:
The Great Assimilation Write-Off
So who wants to rule the world? Okay, will you settle for a country then? In light of the recent US Presidential Election and the Canadian Federal Election, I thought it would be fun to see what ideas we could come up with if we were running the country.... with a twist, of course.
Welcome to Canada vs. USA
The rules are quite simple:
For the Americans
You are the President of the United States (no recount is needed) and you have just conquered Canada. Now your only problem is assimilating these wacky Canucks to the Truth, Justice and American way. What cheesy Americana cultural changes would you have to mandate in order to brainwash these people from The Great White North?
For the Canadians
You are the Prime Minister of Canada (forget the recount, just give us the money) and you have taken over the US of A. The infusion of the True North, Strong and Free will be tough so what Canuck changes are needed in order to infuse the Yanks from the South?

Please read the work of the other participants, and many thanks to Elvisdo (a Canadian who clearly has absorbed U.S. culture), for hosting.
The Americans
AinsleyJo, Alkaiser, beckish, Bijou, cheekylass, Ginaav, JBDuckling, kay67,
ladydagney1, levda, pambo, piglet2061, prfstars, PurpleHaze31,
repulsemonkey, Sordid-1, tlimjoco, 29th_candidate.

The Canadians
elvisdo, hadassahchana, nathsmom, purrkitty, YYvonne







Recommended: Yes