WOULD YOU TRUST THIS DRUNKEN FOOL?

Some friends threw a birthday bash for me last week (11/14/07). They were kind enough to send me some of the pics they took. One can see my not-so-gradual descent into alcoholic incoherence over the course of the three pictures:

"SLIGHTLY BUZZED"I'm the long-haired dude with the sunburn, in the back. That's my brother Chris wearing the cap.

"FEELING EVEN BETTER"Note the heavily-lidded eyes and the evil smirk. One of the girls has thoughtfully tied my hair back in a ponytail so I don't accidentally trip over it. It's now just a matter of time before I put on the lampshade and dance on the table...

"ANNIHILATED"At this point, I've given up trying to walk or talk, and have decided to use the hotty in the white dress standing behind me as my wheelchair/pass-out mattress. Who'd have thought she'd be strong enough to carry me "piggyback"-style for a distance of almost 30 feet? Certainly not her future personal injury attorney. This is where the pictures really get ugly and legally-damning. Fortunately, my good taste, exquisite breeding, and most of all, my fear of potential blackmail threats, prevent me from posting any pictures that were taken subsequent to this one.

First, I move my browser window to the 4 rating selections located directly underneath the product review (i.e., Very Helpful, Helpful, Somewhat Helpful, and Not Helpful). I then decide which of the four options is the most appropriate choice for the given review. Next, I move my cursor to the rating option I've decided to select. Finally, I click the selected rating option and wait for the page to reload so that I can confirm that my rating selection has successfully registered.

Feel free to borrow my rating formula, but you must credit me for it on your profile page. I realize my skillful execution of this formula makes it seem easy to use, but that's only because I've been using it to rate reviews for quite some time. So, if, at first, you have trouble applying it, don't be discouraged. It will become easier with practice and repeated usage.

Hello consumers. I'm the 29th_Candidate; a consumer of consumables. Yup. It's true. I consume stuff just like you, so you can bank on the trustworthiness of anything and everything I ever say in any of my reviews.

Hmmmmmm...On second thought, maybe we DON'T have a damn thing in common as consumers and perhaps not even as human beings. Considering same, a read of any one of my "product reviews," which for some obscure reason, people seem to think are actually just gratuitous excuses to abusively lampoon and haze unsuspecting consumers like your thin-skinned self, will most likely offend your precious little consumer sensibilities and cause you to cry little consumer tears like some big ol' consumer baby. We wouldn't want that, WOULD we?

...So I urge you to move along please...

What? ...Your maggotty, consumer-product-coveting ass is still here?! Fine. Read on, but don't whine and bawl like some big ol' consumer baby when I say something you interpret as being offensive. "Being offended" builds consumer character... Hell, I don't even charge you for it.

My consumer philosophy is pretty basic: If I can't read it, play it loudly, do shots of it or smoke it, I probably have no use for it.

I've tried that "desire-it, acquire-it, then admire-it" routine you conventional consumers make look so easy, but frankly, I suck at it. If I have to waste any part of my conscious awareness on my ownership or possession of some consumer product, it has already burned up most of the leverage its potential value and possible usefulness represents to me. As a consequence (I suppose) of this attitude, I almost invariably lose, misplace or discard anything I can't wear, shove in a pocket, get someone else to hold, or strap to one of my limbs (I daily thank God that cash fits into wallets and wallets fit into pockets.) For this reason, my father used to call me "one-shot." He could never understand where I adopted this crazy notion that "everything is disposable."

The only consumer goods I give a rat's ass enough about seriously reviewing, are music, books and movies, and in that order too. With regard to reviewing "consumer products," I can think of few things I'd less rather do than incinerate what little integrity I manage to maintain by helping consumer product snake-oil salesmen separate you from your hard-earned, well-deserved capital. The only "consumer products" that don't depend entirely on the cunning and exploitative imaginations of predatory advertising execs for their buyer-beguiling illusion of "value" are music CDs/DVDs, books and movies. Any other products sell themselves by virtue of our ACTUAL need for them.

Wait a second 29th! Am I to understand that you contend that virtually ALL commercial advertising is inherently deceptive and intentionally fraudulent? In a word; "YES." Advertisementally speaking, the only built-in consumer safeguard that distinguishes media consumer products (books, music and movies) from non-media consumer products (Pet Rocks, mood rings and skin-wrinkle cream) is that, in the case of the media products, the consumer understands in advance that s/he's paying for the product of an artist's creative labors and imaginative efforts; with non-media products, the consumer gets the same damn thing, except the creativity and imaginative efforts come from a pinstripe suit-wearing artist of the "con" or "bullshit" variety, and its purchase is induced by the "artist's" exploitation of his product-buyer's ignorance, gullibility and/or insecurity.

98% of the consumer products I see littering store shelves are the product of a marketer's scam to exploit his targeted buyer's insecurity and lack of self-knowledge. These products only make it to said store shelves because Madison Avenue's legions of unscrupulous consumer "desire" and "need"-manufacturing experts have done their homework and are reasonably convinced that you haven't and won't. If this makes you want to sing their praises to the world in the form of a product review, by all means, have at it. I reserve the unconditional right to "call it as I see it," and often what I see is not very pretty. Since I generally consider owning and maintaining possessions as much of an irritating nuisance as the cannibals and scam artists who sell them, I figure I'm less susceptible than your average reviewer to the positive bias often caused by the product loyalty-generated warm-glowies.