Jack Furiously (1929 - ) was the first man ever to not just pretend to read Karl von Clausewitz' On War while commuting by train. Abandoned by his mother in a Burbank nail salon when he was sixteen, he was adopted by kindly Weimeraners and subsequently apprenticed to his uncle's upholstery-staining business. At twenty he enrolled in the Urban Fishing Program at UC-Tocadores, where he would become attached - unhealthily, some say, and over his adoptive mother's strident objections - to acrylic blend sweaters. He was an indifferent student, and after dropping out in 1976 dedicated his life to paramilitary service, serving first as a chaplain in the Kiss Army, and later as a mahout in the Shawn Cassidy Fan Club.

Now retired and living on a small farm in San Francisco's prestigious Visitacion Valley with his wife and four children, Mr. Furiously has a reputation for raising the humidity of any room.