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Me? I'm just a lawnmower, you can tell me by the way I walk.
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Activity Summary
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Reviews Written: 102
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Member Visits: 10,107
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Total Visits: 112,188
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About Fez_Monkey
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Since Eep is run by roving gangs of ignorant fat women, I am forced to place some of the things they may not like here for your consideration. I respect you enough to do that. Don't thank me, just read.
Angry Black Men at a Gas Station in the 'Stow
(a Duende Story)
Southern California Hospitality
(an Eggs Story)
National Car Rental
(a Fez Monkey story)
Necropedophilia
Don't be frightened by the pudgy-thighed women denouncing me - just throw them a Twinkie and they'll leave you alone.
Remembering Ronnie
"I think [President Bush] has shattered the myth of 'white supremacy' once and for all."
- Rep. Chuck Rangel (D-NY), 23 Sep, 2005
"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."
- Hermann Goering, Nuremberg Trials
"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction."
- Dick Cheney, Speech to VFW National Convention, Aug. 26, 2002
"We know for a fact that there are weapons there."
- Ari Fleischer, Press briefing, Jan. 9, 2003
"Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised."
- George W. Bush, Address to the Nation, March 17, 2003
The truth, brought to you by the Fez Monkey, waging war against good taste and lies wrapped in the flag for over a fiftieth of a century!
As you all know, the Monkey is a giver. I give, and I give, and I give. I give until it hurts. And then I give some more. Even though I have so much, I am poor, because I am a river to my people. In this spirit, I have decided to list the 10 essays I've done here in the past of which I am most proud. And, like a new parent shoving pictures of my ugly, embryonic spawn into your faces, I offer these fine samples for your review. If you are new to the Fez Monkey, this is a great way to really get to know me. If you have been a fan for a while, these will come as happily nostalgic reminders of why you adore me. And, if you find the Monkey to be a self-inflated windbag, these will remind you of why you hate me and want to see Nirav send me to Eep Siberia.
Please note that these are placed in chronological order, earliest to latest, because like goals scored during the World Cup, each of these is as beautiful as the next and I can't rank any one of them as better than the other.
1.Alas, Poor Star Wars
2.Guantanamera
3.A Clockwork Bush
4.Canada
5.Sequels Suck
6.Spam
7.Baja Geology
8.True Love in Las Vegas
9.Fox "News"
10.Liquid Courage
11.Stanfurd Junior University
It seems as if the Monkey is a bit of a rabble rouser, as a few of my offerings have stirred the Eep pot (so to speak). Here are a couple of my more controversial pieces for your enjoyment:
1. The Bible
2. Bad Drivers
3. The Pledge of Allegiance
4. Bashing Christians
5. The 2nd Amendment
And just who is the Fez Monkey?
I like to eat tacos. I think The Simpsons is still the funniest show on television. The first stadium concert I ever went to was Elvis Costello at the Los Angeles Sports Arena, back in 1981. I do not have a "favorite" book. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!. I don't eat brussel sprouts. The first DVD I bought was The Big Lebowski. My dogs' names are Puck and Anabelle. I am a fairly unrepentant and often extreme liberal. I believe brunettes are more aesthetically pleasing than blondes (but both are great). I've seen X in concert nearly 15 times, with every incarnation of their band (Zoom, Gilkyson, & Alvin). I am afraid of clowns. Mmmmm ... mangoes! I can make the best marinara sauce you have ever tasted. I usually don't drink hard liquor. Yes, I do own a cell phone. I am not particularly fond of the color orange. Asparagus gives me really stinky farts, so I eat it whenever I can. I do not have a religion. I agree that The Clash was the only band that mattered. I always split my aces and double on eleven. My beer of choice? Pacifico, thank you! I dislike both U$C and Stanfurd intensely, but U$C more. I think Henry V is Shakespeare's most enjoyable play, but Richard III as his most enjoyable character. I do not understand business. Why fry beef when you can barbecue it? I prefer my sunflower seeds extra-salted. I need to lose 15 pounds.
And now, a bit more about me:
Once upon a fez...
It is safe to say that, all hyperbole aside, the tale of the Fez Monkey is surely the greatest story ever told.
In the early 1980's the Fez Monkey enrolled in the University of California, Berkeley, where he found an accepting and open environment in which his subversive and anti-establishment philosophy would be nurtured and could flourish.
He majored in the biological sciences, focusing on evolution and behavior, to spite the ultra-conservative right wing religious factions who constantly tried to force him to bow down to rigid, outdated, and myopic dogma. Besides, environmental biology afforded him enormous opportunity to consume large quantities of beer, and stay out conducting field "research."
He put off entering the world of the gainfully employed by entering a graduate program, where he would continue in his studies. However, he soon found that many of his friends, who got jobs after graduating college, had a lot of cool stuff, and he wanted some cool stuff too. So, with greed as the primary motivating factor, he abandoned his studies on the evolutionary significance of environmental influence on innate species-specific behavioral patterns in wild mice, and began working as a low-paid lab geek for a large Immunodiagnostic company.
However, the Fez Monkey was not happy. He was no longer outside, and besides, he hated microscopes. Running contrary to conventional wisdom, the Fez Monkey abdicated his position as a lab geek, and embarked on his career as a free-lance writer (for information on how you can hire him, feel free to email).
The Fez Monkey plies his trade on the west side of Los Angeles, California. He travels to the deserts of Baja for camping and assaulting the local fauna whenever possible, and continues to indulge himself with a hedonistic itinerary of watching hockey games, international soccer matches, and the Simpsons. It is likely he will end up an old man who collects his urine in sample jars watching a never-ending loop of either The Big Lebowski or The Godfather.
Sing, Monkey. Sing!
The Fez Monkey truly believes that all of life's problems could be solved by having a BBQ and drinking a cold beer, and that dogs are infinitely superior to cats. He is a staunch supporter of many things, and a equally staunch opponent of others. He irresistably drawn to odd people who seem to have a story to tell.
While others seem to strive for a polished magazine article-style review, the Fez Monkey is not one who believes that a bunch of stupid facts should necessarily overshadow an otherwise entertaining review.
According to the Fez Monkey, the world's most perfect food is a taco. This is not an opinion. It is a statement of immutable fact.
The Fez Monkey admits to throwing pebbles at girls he liked when he was nine, but maintains that he was out of town when Linda got beaned. He has written many letters containing vaguely menacing references to interzone, but has not sent them, as he believes the US Postal Service is nothing more than a front for the Illuminati.
The Fez Monkey is convinced, despite all evidence to the contrary, that he is open-minded to a fault and that his views are 100% correct. He also believes that any opposing views are based on little more than conceit and pig-ignorance from people with tiny minds who are afraid to consider alternate possibilities. The hypocritical juxtaposition of these beliefs is lost on him.
Among the things the Fez Monkey finds most amusing are people who actually and truly believe that Ronald Reagan was a good president, or who consider books by Steven King, Tom Clancy, or anything published by Harlequin press (or related publishers) to be literature.
The Fez Monkey refuses to be denied! He has vowed to continue to offer unsolicited opinions on a variety of subjects, from Beer to Books to the Baja, regardless of whether he knows anything about them or not.
Lastly, the Fez Monkey tries to live his life by a very simple credo: That there is nothing so fun in life that can't be made better by adding a monkey and a fez.
Donations to the Fez Monkey fund are always welcome. For more information, contact Fez_Monkey@fezbrothersink.com
Hasta la Fez siempre
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