If you want to know what my problem is, read this review from three years ago: Top Ten Films from my Childhood. No Disney movies.

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Give the back catalogue some love! Read a random review!

Note: there are some reviews in there that are over four years old and some of them suck. Do not hesitate to give them a lower rating if they are crummy.

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So here's a fun little idea I came up with instead of doing work: The Movie Review Dares. I'm going to post a few dares below (in easy, medium, and hard flavors), and you, fellow Epinions luminary, are encouraged to take them up and e-mail me when you have the review(s). I'll link you here, and you are encouraged to post your own dare.

EASY

Review a movie about killer insects.

Review a movie where the lead actor or actress gained fame as a sport figure.

MEDIUM

Review a Jean Claude van Damme movie and the corresponding Oliver Grunner rip-off.

Review any two or more Antonio Sabato Jr. movies.

HARD

Review any five movies in a chain of sequels, in order, consecutively.

Review any five movies featured on MST3K, but not in their MST3K formats.

If you decide to accept one of these dares (god help you if you do), e-mail and I'll link it. Maybe if it gets popular enough, we can keep a scorecard.

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Some how you, you made your way here, through the minotaur-strewn maze that is Epinions. And you scrolled down my profile page far enough to read this paragraph, you must be my new stalker. Great! My last one was slacking.

I'm a 27-year-old languishing in Pittsburgh, PA. I went to school for writing and really enjoy it; unfortunately, I'm terribly lazy and don't write as much as I should (or as much as my parents would like). So I come here to scratch that writer's itch. I don't come here to "express my opinion" or read others' opinions; I hunt around for well written reviews that have wit and insight.

But that doesn't mean I rate down reviews that are boring and poorly written; no, I give plenty of VHs for dull yet complete reviews. I mostly read and review in the movie section, so if I give you an H (which might as well be a glowing red A around here), feel free to ask me why.

The bottom line is that I'm here for the writing. I'm not a movie fanatic, I just like analyzing the hell out of everything I come across. So if you see me pondering the moralizing in cannibal films or questioning the denounment of a bildungsroman, now you know why.

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In an effort to promote my back catalogue, I've decided to shamelessly rip-off a concept from Movie Poop Shoot. Here are some of my best lines slagging terrible movies:

"For all its Lifetime movie-of-the-week cheese, The General's Daughter is a movie that makes me want to use expletives!" -- The General's Daughter

"I looked at my watch and wondered if it was gonna sprint towards the ninety minute mark, where all half-assed films collapse and die. True to form, it didn't (sprint, that is)!" -- The House of Seven Corpses

"Night of the Demons is like a drooling moron sitting in the corner who has just soiled himself. In short, this movie is remarkably stupid and it stinks!" -- Night of the Demons

"It's like being put in a dryer full of really bright clothes, spun for a couple of hours, and then let loose. Wasn't that fun, kids?" -- Swordfish

"If City of the Living Dead were a car, Fulci would have dropped his transmission about forty five minutes into it." -- City of the Living Dead

"Replace E.T. with a 24-century Pinnoccio and aw, shucks, ain't that Osment kid cute." -- A.I.

"Not only does the script display the wit and intelligence of mongoloid insurance salesman, but it attaches two of the dopiest, toe-headed, molded plastic "actors" with the dumb luck to keep working in Hollywood today." -- Starship Troopers

"For his next birthday, I'm buying Ridley Scott a dictionary and highlighting the word "subtlety."" -- Gladiator

Got a line you'd like to highlight? Send me an e-mail!

Read a random Four Color Funnies strip below:

Click the comic to go to the comic's home page