Drunken Epinions' Comments (Part 1)
Jul 21 '00 (Updated Oct 14 '00)
There are five reasons I am writing this review while drunk….
(1) It is my submission in an official ‘Get Really Drunk and Write a Review’ Write-off.
(2) I planned on writing a review about Epinions next anyway since it’s been over four months---*gasp!*--since I wrote my last critique of Epinions itself. I also planned to drink while I write it even before the Write-Off invitation. Why?! Because I wanted to really say what I think without benefit of my own personal filter that’s usually running on top of Epinions’ recently rolled-out and much-discussed Content Filter.
Yes, I know it’s Hard to Believe that I have an internal filter if you’ve read any of my others- you are perfectly reasonable to ask how anyone who writes reviews with references to nipples, 12 inch tongues, urination (18 documented references), and bondage (fcount them yourself)—how can anyone so lacking in good taste possibly claim to ‘usually ‘ filter what they say? Well, whetehr you believe it or not, I do filter what I say and I thikk it’s time to just let go of my typical ‘constraints’ and just write and hit submit without worrying if it crosses that elusive ‘line’ of acce[table and ‘correct’.
To already have plans to write a drunken review about Epinions and then a day later to be incvited to participate in a Drunken Write-off was taken as a sign from above!
(3) 29th Candidate incited me by commenting that I need to take a Breathalyzer test prior to my next write-off. (It is unknown whther he was wearing silk stockings at the time, but I strongly suspect that not only was he wearing stockings, but several nipple rings as well.)
(4) I wanted to give the hundreds of you with out-of-proportion ratings the chance to NR something and become visible again.
(5) I am drunk!
*Something is really bothering me so I want to explain ASAP**
Part of the Write-off agreement was that we would not correct any spelling mistakes. Well, I’m sure the alert viewre has already spooted quite a few—-believe me, I’m not nearly as alert as you, but even I can see nearly a dozen red squigglys as I write this in Word. (Hard-To-Please is now thinking that his stubborn belief in honoring his agreements will destroy his Epinions career..)
**One other little thing before I start my review on Epinions- did you ever try to do bold and italics while drunk? It’s hard enough to get those s and </i>s straight when you’re stone cold sober! I believe that the police shouldn’t just have you say the ABC’s backwards when they pull you over- they should make you put them in bold italics for a true test of sobriety!
***Besides not correcting my spelling mistakes, I have also taken an oath to NOT FAKE IT. As I told the others- I never have and never will fake it. (Although at least two other particpants are known to fake it.) << I am damned proud of my italics in th elast sentence- I think I did it right!
(Hard To Please now taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the trail of red squigglies he’s leaving in his wake!)
****I seem to recall that I am obligaated <damn!) to mention the other participant’s names. I personally can’t wait to check out their submissions.:
superflychick
steveaz1
mattjoe
Since I’m bored stiff after providing all this background, I realize you must be even stiffer, so time for…
DRUNKEN COMMENTS ON EPINIONS
Comments
Several thoughts come to mind when I think about comments…
<Comments Are Good> First of all, I already wroyte an entire review concerning the benefits of leaving as many comments as possible. I won’t repeat it here, but the bottom line is that the more comments you leave, the more people will visit you. I guarantee you that one comment is worth dozens of HRs in return visits. Don’t be afraid of looking stupid—looking stupid has only enhanced my Epinions’ career. Whther you agree, disagree, or simply want to leave your mark, commenting is always better than rating.
Think of it this way…writing an Epinion is a lot like having sex. You , as the writer, have opened up and shared something intimate and taken a risk in showing your naked self to anyone who happens to wander by. The reader then comes along and reads your opinion (has sex with you). How do you feel if they simply come along and rate you without commenting?! (Slam! Bam! Thank You Ma’am!) Do you seek out the lover who rolls over and falls asleep without commenting?! NO! You ache to ‘do it again’ only with those who tell you how you made them feel. Bottom line- if you simply pull your pants back up after visiting a review, don’t expect a return visit. But lingering long enough to whisper sweet-nothings into the ear of the writer will almost always get a knock on your door from the insatiable member wanting more!
<Comments Are Bad> There is a flip side to commenting and unfortunately, I’m no stranger to the darker side of the commment sections. There may be times when you get so p!ssed by a review or comment that you cannot control yourself and before you know it, you’ve left a blistering response and hit submit before you even realize what’s happened. Just like premature ejaculation, you have passed the point of no return and can’t ‘take it back’ no matter how much you wish you could have slowed down and done things right. <This would be one of the excuses to NR that I promised!> I have spurted premature comments dozens of times in the past few months and no matter how much I wish I could ‘take it back’, it ain’t gonna happen. Don’t let this happen to you --think before you comment! Do you really want to look like an idiot forever? You cannot edit your comment once it’s submitted- your little tantrum will be seen by hundreds of others---is premature ejac- er, commenting something you really want to be known for?! Bottom line- pull out when you feel yourself approaching the point of no return!
Rating
Rating has certainly been a hot topic in the past weeks considering the fear permeating the entire community that too many HRs will render us invisible. As I write this, Epinions has backed down from using the hammer of anonymity to punish those who don’t meet their recommended daily allotment of NRs. I’m sure you have already read dozens of review on this subject and may puke if you are faced with yet anoither <damn). Well too bad--- I may puke before finishing this review and misery loves company. (Six beers and two glasses of wine so far.)
I noticed that when the invisible rater paranoia first surfaced , many members immediately began lowering their ratings. Even more interesting, protests were staged where members purposely wrote NR material or refused to rate at all. The Just-In fence became crowded with members eager to comply with Epinions’ secret ratio formula. I couldn’t believe how so many people acted like obedient little sheep and were so eager to please their shepard by blindly following the herd. Some went so far as to comment on my reviews that even though it was truly an HR review, they had to R it in order to maintain their ratios. Those sheep are now off my WOT. (Bye, bye black sheep). If you don’t have enough backbone to rate sincerely, stay out of my pasture!
I personally did the opposite when faced with the threat of invisibility. For three solid days, I went on an orgy of HR’ing. Yes, I also gave out the occasional NRs, SRs, and Rs , but I gave out more HRs than you-know-who and you-know-who combined. (Two more glasses of wine and names will be revealed). Anyway, the orgy of HR’ing was extremely intoxicating (more so than this cheap-ass wine) and I felt totally in control by making Epinions bend over and take it. I moved from member to member in a frenzy of HR’ing. Amazingly, I even resisted the urge to immediately pull my pants back up after each review and stayed long enough with many of you to whisper in your ear.
Perhaps you can relate to the feeling I experienced during my orgy. Just as I was satisfyiong<danm<damn! Member ‘A’, I’d see Member ‘B’ off to the side looking even hotter and ready to please me. I’d spend a couple of minutes with Member ‘B’ and couldn’t help but notice the heat created when Member ‘C’ joined the comment section and got a rise out of bothe Member ‘A’ and Member ‘B’! Before I knew it , I had brought A, B, and C to an orgasm; left D, E, and F wanting more; dry-humped G (left no comment); sodomized H (left flaming comment), and told I, J and K that I’d call them in the morning (trusted them). I then laid back exhausted and smoked a couple of Marlboros.
After I had shot my load of HRs far more often and quickly than Eppinions and Mother-Nature had intended, I decided the noble thing to do would be to contact several of my fellow orgy participants and inquire as to whether I satisfied them. (Did they see my rating?)
If the rumor was true, I had cerrtainly qualified for invisibility- I lietrally <I know that I have missed several misspellings requiring ‘damn’ to indicate acknowledgement that I have messed up, but I don’t care anymore…the agreement was that we would not correct them. (If I find less than ten misspellings in the other Drunken Write Off participant’s reviews, I will cry FOUL- damn fakers!)
Where was I?! Oh yeah, if the invisibility rumor was true, than I certainly qualified for punishment sibce I literally rated over 300 reviews as HR and only 30 as R, 5 as SR, and 2 as NR. In other words, over three days, I rated HR 80% of the time! (**Gasp again**) Popular opinion seemed to think that the ratio was most certainly m0re along the lines of 25% of each of the four rating choices. (And many sheep- I mean members- proved they fell for it by dutifully rating 25% in each category.) Too bad the sheep missed the orgy. (Sheep areoccasionally welcomed at orgies.)
Was I punished for my rebellion? Did Epinions slap the Scarlet X of anonymity on me due to my promiscuity? NO!
Yes, I know that when you log out, the reviews all show half of the raters as Anonymous!. I’ve not only seen it posted hundreds of times as a dramatic ‘The Sky is Falling’ type message, but I’ve seen it for myself. And I’ve seen it for the past six months! This is not a new feature!
But who really cares if you show as Anonymous to a non-member (eequivalent to being logged out)?! The non-members read your reviews because they are seraching product categorties- not clickig on names. Non-members can’t rate you anyway. What counts is what members can see! And I decided to email quite a few of the recipients of my wild oats and ask them if they saw the evidence of my pleasure. Every one of them saw my mark when they were logged in! What do I care how many Anon’s they see when they’re logged out? All of us who are members are logged in when we use the site---and as I said, I was not invisible to anyone when they were logged in!!
Yet, the majority of people believed the latest doom and gloom rumor and changed their behavior drastically. I have little rerespect for the Lemmings (are they considered lower than sheep?) who jumped off the cliffs in droves, flinging themselves on the rocks that Epiunions carefully laid out for them! I plan to soon search my WOT for sheep and lemmings to remove. <Have you ever said something while under the influence that sounded cool and honest at the time, but that you regretted saYing the next moroning? This will be one of those statements for me!)
I ‘abused’ the supposed rules for days and none of the ‘confirmed’ new policies proved true. Again, every one of the dozen people I rated told me they saw my name.
I have also heard that you are invisible when you trust over 250 others. This ‘fact’ has also been posted on the boards and in comment sections as gospel. This popular belief has also proved false in my experience. The 251st, 252nd, and 253rd members I’ve trusted CAN see me!!
The bottom line is Don’t Believe Everything You Hear! And if you do believe it, don’t suddenly change your whole belief system based on a change in the way yyou will be paid. We will all see you for the shallow hypocrite that you are!
**Additional Rating Advice**
I do not mind when a few brave souls dare to rate one of my reviews less than HR. (Although I often see reviews with 100% HRs). To be the two or three out of 250 raters that stand ourt from the crowd is respectable to me if two conditions are met. (1) You show your name and (2) You are consistent. I will see your name on many other reviews and as long as I see that you generally rate lower than the general population on everyone’s reviiews, I respect you. Perhaps you are an Advisor, perhaps you are doing your part to slow down ratings inflation—-whatever the reason, if you show your name and are consistent across the board, I respect you for being in the minority who lower my HR percentage. I would like to think that most of us feel the same way. (I actually have about 7 names in mind, but have wimped out on naming names until the 5th glass of wine.)
Boards/Clubs
I can’t think of a subjcet that could be more volatile and conducive to raising hackles than the Boards and Clubs centered around Epinions. Members take their clubs very seriously and there are more cliques and alliances than you may even imagine. I belong to at least six of these forums and each one is unique in its’ mood , tone, humor, and level of ‘correctness’.
The largest club to which I belong has well over 200 members and will most certainly grow to 500 in the next few months. It is an extremely interactive site with professional web design and very user-friendly navigational tools to assist in enjoying the myriad of viewpoints and subjects that we’re all secretly interested in. The drawback to this club is that it is rarely exciting- disagreements are rare, the language is always polite, and there is no evidnce of pettiness, jealously or revenge.
Another group I participate in is an email list of two dozen people who are the sweetest of the groups- they share intimate details of their lives and many of them even emailed me personal cards when I shared some recent dark moments. Even though I alluded to my troubles on several boards, this was the only group that cared enough to write me personally. But nothing’s perfect is it? Even this little nirvana includes a handful of frAUDS among its’ members. We all simply pretend not to notice the fakeness of some of the others- kewl concept, huh?
If I could share some more advice, it would be not to let others get a rise out of you- for your own sanity, you should loosen up and accept that there are many club-members who hide behind a thin veil of friendship, but are actually motivated by more devious intentions. But you already know that, right?
*(I have now finished the aforementioned beers as well as the 5th glass of wine).
The other groups to which I belong all share the trait of exclusiveness. Personal-invites only and the members are are kewler than kewl. Two of the groups have mebers that are so f*ing intelligent and funny that I feel like a moronic, wet blanket when I dare to post. The other two groups revel in shock and controversy. This is where I pick up the uncensored trash-talk and I’ve quickly become immune to the f-word, the c-word, and everything in-betweeen. Even these highly stimulating, hormone-producing orgies of sexually-laden banter ultimately have a downside. I come away feeling somewhat cheap and unclean—-not disgusting enough to prevent me from thrusting in with an occasional comment- but seedy enough to make me feel like showering.
There is another board which seems to be dedicated primarily to “Read This” links. Even the least discriminating member quickly learns to see through the thin veneer of excuses for pimping a review. Aren’t we all a little tired of reading how your latest review “Missed The Fence” or how you need us to “Please Give FeedbacK?.” How many of you actually click on these links? Do you take sympathy on the pathetic nature of the plea or are you simply seeking return favors? I guess there’s always the possibility that you are truly burning with desire to read the posted review—if so, (time for another statement to be regretted in the morning)---GET A LIFE!
As with everything, I like to bring it down to the bottom line. (Hard To Please kisses up to raters scrutinizing for‘helpful’ information- his bravado in encouragin NRs has now been replaced by fear of filtering!)
The bottom line on Boards/Clubs is that you should not limiyt yourself to one or two. Do NOT limit yourself to a certain group. As in High School, it is imporatnat that you hang out with the full range of social strata in order to be truly popular. Do not associate yourself exclusively with the Jocks or the Burn-Outs or the Geeks---circulate among them and revel in their diversity. Both you and your groups will benefit from your willingness to embrace the many different personalities that make up Epinoions’ High.
!!!! I just did a word count and discovered that I’ve passed 3000 words. I know that Hard To Please reviews are now expected to contain at least 2000 words (unfair!), but even I have my limit. While, I did not set out to write a two–part review (I’ve always considered them cheesy), I have now decided that this will be my first! Unfortenatley, I will have to drink again. I hope that you appreciate the sacrifices I am willing to make for the good of this site and will tune in when I share general comments (or whatever the hell this category is called) on Income Share, WOTs, and Friends.
I know that I have disappointed many of you by refraining from urination references. Please realize that I am totally spent from assisting on research in NetKat’s latest review (go read it!) and don’t even want to think about the subject anymore. The fact that I have only peed five times during the writing of this review deserves at least a comment- I hope that if you learned anything from my review it’s the importance of whispering sweet nothings to me before pulling up your pants and rolling over!
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
|
 - Top 1000 |
|
Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
Trusted by: 741 members
About Me:
MARK IS MISSED!
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.